The Gifts of Depression

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by Ashley Vaden, LMFT

 

“You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase:  make use of suffering.” These words, attributed to Henri-Frederic Amiel, hold a quiet truth that many of us resist. Depression, in all its weight and misery, feels like the enemy—something to escape, numb, or conquer. But what if depression were not an adversary, but a guide? An indicator or your next rite of passage?

 

Carl Jung reminds us that depression is not necessarily pathological. Often, it signals the need for profound change, a harbinger of transformation. Depression, when viewed through this lens, becomes less a punishment and more a messenger, carrying within it the potential for psychological renewal and creativity.

 

To “depress” means to “press down,” to force us into the depths of our own psyche. And though this descent is painful, is it purposeful. Depression pulls our energy and focus inward, away from the external world and distractions that we so often fixate upon. It demands that we stop looking outward for meaning and instead confront what lies within—the forgotten, the suppressed, the unconscious treasure of our own being.

 

James Hollis writes “It takes great courage to value depression, to respect it, not to try and medicate it away or distract ourselves from its misery. Down there is potential meaning split off from consciousness, but alive, dynamic.” Beneath the heaviness, beneath the despair, depression points us to what is hidden:  our instincts, passions, creative drives, and the fragments of our true selves. Depression serves as an opportunity to sift through our value system and determine what matters most. What we often experience as unbearable heaviness is, paradoxically, the weight of something alive struggling to emerge.

 

This descent into the depths is not a journey to be resisted. What we resist, after all, persists. The greatest treasures lie at the deepest places. Depression teaches us to dig, sift, and to descent without resistance, and unearth the psychological gold buried beneath. Yet, this does not mean identifying with depression or becoming lost within it. There is power in maintaining objectivity—in stepping back and observing it, not as something we are but as a part of us with something to teach.

 

In modern society, depression is heavily stigmatized, often seen as a personal failing or a condition to be cured quickly and quietly. We have little tolerance for its presence and even less space for expression. Thomas Moore in Care of the Soul challenges this perspective by suggesting that we reframe our relationship with depression entirely. Rather than pushing it to the margins of our lives, Moore argues that we create intentional spaces for depression—quiet, solitary sanctuaries within our communities. Imagine office buildings with dedicated rooms for solitude, , where people can retreat to sit with their feelings without shame or interruption. By making room for depression, not as an inconvenience but as a natural and meaningful part of life, we begin to strip away the stigma and embrace its potential to transform and renew us.

When we allow ourselves to sit with depression, to listen without judgement, it reveals its purpose:  to elicit dynamic change, to force a reorientation of the soul. It reminds us of what we have neglected within ourselves. Depression is not the end; it is the beginning of a renewal, a signpost pointing toward transformation and meaning.

 

So, when depression visits, as unwelcome as it may feel, consider this:  what lies beneath its weight? What treasure is hidden in the depth of it urges you to explore? It is in the descent, in the courage to feel and observe, that we begin to rise.

 

After acquiring my Master’s Degree at the University of Rochester, I returned to my home state of Kentucky. For the past 5 years, I have been serving adults, teens, and couples at The Mindfulness Center. I help clients heal and grow through means of self compassion and self-derived skills. I have felt especially drawn to attachment theory and Internal Family Systems, as I have found them to be the most empowering and effective modalities for complex trauma and relational distress. I hope to help people make use of their suffering and find purpose and meaning through life’s struggles.

 

To schedule an appointment with me click here.

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New Year, New Boundaries

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Setting boundaries for personal growth.

Setting boundaries for personal growth is a crucial aspect of self-care and self-improvement. It involves recognizing our limits, understanding what is important to us, and establishing clear guidelines for how we want to be treated and how we want to treat others. By setting boundaries, we create a framework that allows us to prioritize our well-being, protect our energy, and cultivate healthy relationships.

 

Megan, Elizabeth and Britt discuss the limitations of New Year’s resolutions and how they often fail to bring about lasting change. They emphasize the importance of going beyond superficial goals and instead focusing on the deeper beliefs and values that shape our lives. Rather than simply making resolutions like going to the gym or spending less time on social media, they encourage listeners to examine their relationship with themselves, their friends, and their commitments.

 

Setting boundaries is a fundamental part of this process. It involves making commitments to ourselves and upholding those commitments without relying on others to do it for us. For example, if we want to spend less time on social media, it is our responsibility to set limits and create boundaries around our usage. Similarly, if we want to have more meaningful conversations with friends or family, it is up to us to initiate those conversations and prioritize quality time.

 

They also highlight the importance of setting emotional boundaries. They discuss situations where conversations become highly emotionally charged and unproductive. In such instances, it is crucial to recognize our limits and remove ourselves from the situation. By doing so, we give ourselves and others the space to calm down and process their emotions. This allows for more productive and constructive discussions to take place when everyone is in a calmer state of mind.

 

Setting boundaries for personal growth is not about controlling or manipulating others. It is about taking ownership of our own well-being and creating an environment that supports our growth and happiness. It requires self-awareness, self-compassion, and a willingness to communicate our boundaries clearly and assertively.

 

Set boundaries for self-care.

Setting boundaries for self-care is crucial in today’s fast-paced and interconnected world. It allows us to protect our mental and emotional well-being, maintain healthy relationships, and make time for personal growth and fulfillment. 

 

Setting boundaries is an act of self-respect. It demonstrates that we value ourselves and our needs. By establishing clear guidelines for how we want to be treated and what we are willing to tolerate, we create a safe space for ourselves to thrive. This includes setting limits on how much time and energy we are willing to invest in certain activities or relationships. It means saying no when we feel overwhelmed or stretched too thin. By setting these boundaries, we communicate to others that our well-being is a priority.

 

Setting boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy relationships. It allows us to establish mutual respect and understanding with others. When we clearly communicate our boundaries, we give others the opportunity to respect and honor them. This fosters healthier and more balanced connections, as both parties are aware of each other’s limits and needs. By setting boundaries, we create space for open and honest communication, where both parties feel heard and respected.

 

Setting boundaries also creates room for personal growth and fulfillment. When we establish limits on how much time we spend on certain activities or with certain people, we free up time and energy for activities that align with our values and goals. This allows us to focus on our personal growth, pursue our passions, and engage in activities that bring us joy and fulfillment. By setting boundaries, we prioritize our own needs and desires, which ultimately leads to a more fulfilling and purposeful life.

 

However, setting boundaries for self-care can be challenging. Society often tells us that we “should” (shoulding all over ourselves) always be available and accessible, leading to feelings of guilt or obligation when we prioritize ourselves. Additionally, fear of conflict or disappointing others can hinder our ability to set and enforce boundaries. It is important to remember that setting boundaries is not selfish, but rather a necessary act of self-care. We cannot pour from an empty cup, and by prioritizing our own well-being, we are better equipped to show up for others.

 

Focus on self, set boundaries.

 

One aspect they highlight is the need to let go of how others take care of themselves and instead focus on our own well-being. This means not policing what others say or do, but rather taking responsibility for how we protect ourselves and what we allow into our lives. This can involve skills such as changing the subject, redirecting conversations, or reframing situations in a therapeutic language.

 

They also emphasize the importance of knowing our triggers and developing coping mechanisms to deal with them. They acknowledge that certain situations, such as significant changes in the workforce or personal life, can be challenging and anxiety-inducing. In these situations, it is essential to protect ourselves by setting boundaries and not succumbing to external pressures or expectations. They mention a senior in high school who is faced with the constant question of where he is going to college. Instead of succumbing to the pressure, he is taking his time to make a well-informed decision, considering factors such as finances and personal preferences.

 

A key point made is the concept of control and discerning what is within our control and what is not. Boundaries are framed around what we can control, which is primarily our own thoughts, emotions, and actions. By recognizing this distinction, we can focus on taking care of ourselves and not trying to control or change others.

 

Curiosity and vulnerability in conversations.

Curiosity and vulnerability are two key components of meaningful and transformative conversations. When we approach conversations with a genuine curiosity about others’ beliefs and perspectives, we create an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection. This curiosity opens the door for us to ask questions, listen attentively, and engage in a way that fosters empathy and mutual respect.

 

The women recount a conversation where one person asked a thought-provoking question about faith and belief. While the question may have caught the pastor’s kids off guard, it also sparked laughter and a shared understanding of the difficulty in discussing such topics. This highlights the vulnerability that comes with expressing our thoughts and beliefs, especially in areas that are deeply personal and often considered taboo.

 

Vulnerability in conversations requires courage and a willingness to expose our true selves. It means being open to the possibility of disagreement or criticism, but also the potential for growth and connection. The speaker in the podcast acknowledges that finding the vocabulary to describe or explain our inner thoughts and beliefs is hard work. It requires introspection and a willingness to articulate our ideas in a way that can be understood and engaged with by others.

 

Listen to this episode HERE!

 

 

boundaries

The Link Between Boundaries & Resentment

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Resentment stems from unclear boundaries

 

The women begin by acknowledging that the word “resentment” has been mentioned multiple times in their discussions on boundaries. They suggest that boundaries act as a way to define what individuals are capable of and how they interact with others. Without clear boundaries, resentment can creep in.

 

The responsibility of setting and maintaining boundaries falls on individuals. They emphasize the importance of self-awareness and taking the time to consider one’s own feelings and agreements in any given situation. They use the example of couples therapy and the challenges that arise during the holiday season when there are numerous commitments and parties to attend. Many individuals struggle to express their limits and preferences, often opting to go along with their partner’s desires to avoid conflict. This can lead to resentment building up over time.

 

The hosts also discuss the difficulty of expressing boundaries without hurting others’ feelings or causing discomfort. They mention their own family’s humorous excuse of using “diarrhea” as a last-minute get-out-of-a-situation card. However, they stress the need for a more genuine and respectful approach to setting boundaries.

 

The conversation then shifts to the concept of exchange balance when it comes to boundaries. Individuals need to consider whether engaging in certain activities or commitments will give them something in return, whether it be energy, time, money, or other resources. They acknowledge that sometimes people do things without expecting anything in return, but it is crucial to maintain a balance and not consistently give without receiving.

 

Empowerment through setting boundaries

 

Setting boundaries is an essential aspect of empowerment. The women emphasize how women are often socialized to prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own. This lack of empowerment to voice their own needs can lead to feelings of resentment and being taken for granted. However, they highlight the importance of unlearning these societal expectations and empowering oneself by setting boundaries.

 

They discuss how they model boundary-setting for their children. By setting good boundaries with their kids, they are teaching them the importance of having a voice and being receptive to hearing others’ voices. This empowers their children to assert their own needs and desires, creating a more balanced and respectful dynamic.

 

The women also touch on the socialization of women to overemphasize empathy. While empathy is important, it “should” (shoulding!) not come at the expense of setting boundaries. Balancing empathy with boundaries is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and self-care. The women suggest that having empathy for oneself is equally important as having empathy for others. It encourages individuals to prioritize their own well-being by checking in with themselves and determining if a particular request aligns with their own needs and desires.

 

Embrace and communicate your boundaries

 

The women emphasize the importance of embracing and communicating personal boundaries. They begin by discussing the creation of a supportive environment and the need to surround oneself with understanding friends and individuals who respect one’s boundaries. They share their own experience as an introvert and how they have cultivated friendships with people who understand and accept their need for solitude.

 

CLICK HERE to listen to this episode! Season 3, Episode 5 (Part 2)

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Resentment & Unmet Needs

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Resentment is built over time

 

Resentment is a complex emotion that is built over time. Therapists Megan Bayles Bartley, Elizabeth McCormack, and Britt Riddle delve into the concept of resentment and its connection to boundaries in relationships. They discuss how resentment is not an immediate reaction but rather a culmination of smaller emotions and unmet needs.

 

They begin by acknowledging that resentment is often preceded by feelings of irritability and annoyance. These initial emotions serve as warning signs that something is amiss in a relationship. They explain resentment arises when individuals feel anger, frustration, and a sense of unfairness or injustice without having a voice that feels heard. It is the result of ongoing experiences where one’s needs and boundaries are repeatedly disregarded or overlooked.

 

They provide relatable examples of how resentment can manifest in different areas of life, such as work, romantic partnerships, and parenting. They emphasize the importance of having a voice and feeling heard in order to prevent resentment from building up. When individuals repeatedly express their discomfort or dissatisfaction but are not listened to or respected, resentment grows.

 

Resentment is likened to a fabric that experiences tiny tears and pulls over time. These small infractions and unaddressed discomforts accumulate, eventually leading to a hole in the fabric of the relationship. They highlight the significance of paying attention to these early signs of discomfort and frustration, as they can escalate into anger and resentment if left unaddressed.

 

They also discuss the internal conflict that often accompanies resentment. Individuals may not only feel resentful towards others but also towards themselves. They may blame themselves for overcommitting, allowing mistreatment, or staying in a relationship that doesn’t feel healthy. This internal resentment further adds to the weight and heaviness of the emotion.

 

In terms of physical sensations, they describe resentment as a heaviness that lingers and follows individuals wherever they go. It is an emotional burden that affects both the mind and body. They compare resentment to bricks being mortared together to form a solid, heavy structure. Each individual brick represents a specific incident or unmet need, and as these bricks accumulate, resentment becomes more entrenched and difficult to dismantle.

 

Resentment stems from unmet needs

 

They acknowledge that resentment is not a one-time occurrence but rather a result of ongoing frustrations and unaddressed emotions. The importance of paying attention to what is happening in relationships and recognizing one’s own sense of power and control. When individuals feel powerless and lacking control, they may let things slide or become avoidant, which can contribute to the buildup of resentment.

 

Avoidance is identified as a significant red flag that indicates a failure to fully utilize one’s energy. They suggest that saying yes to everything can prevent others from having the opportunity to contribute and fulfill their own needs. It encourages individuals to examine their actions and determine what truly brings them fulfillment and what drains their energy. By doing so, they can identify areas where they may need to say no and set boundaries to prevent resentment from accumulating.

 

Be present and avoid resentment

 

The episode begins by discussing the importance of being present and paying attention to one’s actions and choices. The women share a personal anecdote about sitting down to read a new novel instead of engaging in other tasks that could be done. Despite the long list of things to do, they acknowledge the need to prioritize self-care and enjoy the present moment. This decision is made in anticipation of upcoming time off during the holidays.

 

They highlight the importance of being aware of one’s own feelings and potential resentments. They mention how they would feel resentful if they were to spend another hour making holiday peanut butter fudge. Instead, they choose to be present and engage in an activity that brings them joy. This decision is made consciously to avoid building resentment.

 

The conversation then shifts to the age factor and how it impacts the ability to prioritize oneself. The women acknowledge that as they get closer to 50, they have gained wisdom and understanding about the importance of self-care. They reflect on how they would have approached things differently 10 years ago, emphasizing the need for self-compassion for those who are still learning to prioritize themselves.

 

Boundaries empower self-worth and growth

 

The hosts discuss the importance of finding self-worth within oneself rather than seeking external validation. They highlight the societal pressure for women to prioritize serving others and how this can lead to neglecting one’s own needs and desires. It is emphasized that in order to effectively serve others, individuals must first believe that they are worthy of taking care of themselves.

 

The concept of boundaries is then introduced as a means of empowering self-worth and growth. The hosts discuss the fear of confrontation and the difficulty in standing up for oneself. They provide an example of setting boundaries around conversations and the importance of asking for what one needs. By clearly expressing their boundaries, individuals can avoid resentment and maintain healthy relationships.

 

They highlight the significance of consent in setting boundaries. By using the word “consent,” individuals can assert their right to choose when and how they engage in certain conversations or activities. This empowers individuals to prioritize their own well-being and communicate their needs effectively.

 

Listen to this Episode of the Shifting Our Shit Podcast HERE!

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Help! I have Compassion Fatigue! Now What?!

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Types of rest for self-care

 

Self-care has become a popular topic in recent years, with many people recognizing the importance of taking care of themselves in order to maintain their overall well-being. One aspect of self-care that is often overlooked is rest. Rest is not just about getting enough sleep or taking a vacation, but it encompasses various types of rest that are necessary for our physical, mental, and emotional health.

 

The first type of rest is physical rest. This is what most people think of when they hear the word rest – taking a nap or lying in bed. However, physical rest can also include activities such as yoga or light stretching, which allow our bodies to relax and recharge. Physical rest is essential for repairing and rejuvenating our muscles, as well as reducing physical fatigue.

 

Another type of rest is mental rest. This type of rest is crucial for those who have taxing mental jobs or find themselves constantly engaged in mentally challenging tasks. Mental rest can involve activities that allow our minds to take a break from thinking and problem-solving, such as engaging in a hobby or spending time in nature. It is important to give our minds the opportunity to recharge and replenish their cognitive resources.

 

Sensory rest is another type of rest that is often overlooked. In today’s fast-paced and overstimulating world, our senses are constantly bombarded with information and stimuli. Taking time to rest our senses can involve finding a quiet and peaceful environment, away from noise and distractions. It can also involve engaging in activities that are soothing to our senses, such as listening to calming music or taking a relaxing bath. Sensory rest allows us to reset and recharge our senses, promoting a sense of calm and well-being.

 

Being creative is also a form of rest. Engaging in creative activities allows us to express ourselves and tap into our inner creativity. Whether it’s cooking, crafting, or engaging in artistic endeavors, being creative provides a sense of fulfillment and rejuvenation. It allows us to focus on the present moment and channel our energy into something that brings us joy.

 

Emotional rest is essential for our mental and emotional well-being. It involves taking the time to process and express our emotions in a safe and supportive environment. This can be achieved through talking to a trusted friend or therapist, journaling, or engaging in activities that promote emotional well-being, such as meditation or mindfulness practices. Emotional rest allows us to release pent-up emotions and find a sense of inner peace.

 

Social rest is another important aspect of self-care. It involves connecting with others and nurturing our relationships. Spending time with loved ones, having meaningful conversations, or simply enjoying the company of others can be incredibly rejuvenating. Social rest allows us to feel supported, understood, and valued, which contributes to our overall well-being.

 

Finally, spiritual rest involves connecting with something larger than ourselves. This can involve engaging in religious or spiritual practices, spending time in nature, or reflecting on our values and beliefs. Spiritual rest provides a sense of purpose and meaning, and allows us to find solace and peace in our lives.

 

Self-care is not selfish

 

Self-care is not selfish. This is a statement that is often misunderstood or dismissed. Many people view self-care as a luxury or a self-indulgent act, but in reality, it is a necessary practice for maintaining our overall well-being. Megan and Elizabeth discuss the importance of self-care and how it is not about being selfish, but rather about taking care of ourselves so that we can better take care of others.

 

They begin by acknowledging that there are many things happening in our lives, and being intentional about addressing each one is crucial. They emphasize the importance of self-awareness and knowing what we need to best take care of ourselves. This is not about being selfish, but rather about recognizing that just like a car needs gas and maintenance to run efficiently, we also need to know what will keep us running efficiently and last for as long as possible.

 

They address the notion that self-care is often seen as selfish because someone else may perceive that we are not giving them enough attention. They argue that we do not have to give others the amount of attention they want if it is not feasible for us. Instead, we need to understand our own limits and prioritize our own well-being. This does not mean neglecting others, but rather finding a balance that allows us to take care of ourselves while still being there for others.

 

Self-compassion is a key aspect of self-care. They explain that as helping professionals, it is common to put our own needs on the back burner in order to help others. However, they stress that taking care of ourselves is an act of self-compassion and is necessary for us to continue helping others effectively. They emphasize that we need to believe that we are worth taking the time to care for ourselves and that our inherent worthiness does not depend on achievements or external factors.

 

They also discuss the importance of setting boundaries and aligning our decisions with our values. They highlight the value in identifying what is truly important to us and using that as a guide for establishing boundaries and making decisions. They acknowledge that there may be situations in helping professions that stretch our boundaries, but it is crucial to bring self-compassion and self-care back into balance in other areas of our lives.

 

Listen to this episode HERE!

Ready to take the next step in your self-awareness?  Download some helpful worksheets HERE!

Exhaustion, Apathy and Compassion Fatigue

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Compassion fatigue and boundaries

 

Compassion fatigue and boundaries are closely intertwined concepts that play a significant role in the lives of individuals in helping professions and caregiving roles. Compassion fatigue refers to the emotional, physical, and spiritual exhaustion that occurs over time when individuals constantly provide care and support to others. It is a gradual lessening of compassion for both oneself and those being cared for.

 

Boundaries, on the other hand, are the limits and guidelines that individuals set to protect their emotional well-being and prevent burnout. These boundaries define the space between oneself and others, ensuring that individuals maintain a healthy balance between empathy and self-care.

 

Britt Riddle, a therapist at the Mindfulness Center, explains that compassion fatigue is often caused by a lack of boundaries or blurred boundaries. When individuals do not establish clear limits in their caregiving roles, they risk becoming emotionally overwhelmed and losing their ability to empathize effectively. This can lead to exhaustion and a decrease in the quality of care provided.

 

Setting boundaries is crucial for protecting oneself from compassion fatigue. These boundaries can be both organizational and emotional. Organizational boundaries involve factors such as client or patient caseload and organizational support. Emotional boundaries, on the other hand, pertain to how individuals provide empathy and support to others. It is essential to strike a balance between being caring and involved without taking on the emotional burden of others.

 

One aspect of emotional boundaries is distinguishing between empathy and sympathy. Empathy involves being present with someone, acknowledging their emotions, and providing support without internalizing their feelings. It is about feeling with someone rather than for them. Sympathy, on the other hand, involves taking on the emotions of others, which can lead to emotional exhaustion and blurred boundaries.

 

Maintaining healthy emotional boundaries allows individuals to be present for others without sacrificing their own well-being. It enables them to provide support and care while still preserving their own emotional resilience. By recognizing the difference between feeling with someone and feeling for someone, individuals can avoid becoming overwhelmed and maintain a healthy balance in their caregiving roles.

 

Setting boundaries for compassion fatigue

 

Boundaries serve as a means of protecting the exchange of energy between individuals. Each person has a different capacity for how much energy they can give and receive without experiencing negative consequences such as anxiety, irritability, or resentment. Recognizing these limits is crucial for preventing compassion fatigue. When caregivers start feeling upset because they have scheduled someone when they didn’t want to, or when they carry the emotions of the day home and feel resentful, it is a clear indication that their boundaries have been crossed.

 

Feelings of resentment are often a red flag that boundaries have been breached. Resentment can arise when caregivers feel overwhelmed and unable to meet their own needs or responsibilities due to excessive emotional labor. It is important for caregivers to prioritize self-care and establish boundaries that allow them to maintain their own well-being. By doing so, they can continue to provide compassionate care without becoming emotionally drained.

 

Boundaries also play a role in respecting both oneself and others. By setting boundaries, individuals recognize that they are responsible for their own well-being and that it is not their job to do the emotional work for others. This autonomy allows individuals to maintain a healthy balance between caring for others and caring for themselves. Over-functioning or under-functioning can occur when individuals feel the need to take on responsibilities that are not theirs or when they neglect their own needs in favor of helping others. Establishing boundaries helps individuals find a middle ground where they can provide support without overextending themselves.

 

Anxiety often accompanies the desire to help and fix problems for others. However, soothing this anxiety does not always require taking action or producing immediate results. Instead, individuals can find solace in being present and creating space for others to do the necessary work themselves. Trusting that others are capable of managing their own emotional realities is an important aspect of setting boundaries. By allowing others to experience their own emotions and not trying to control or fix them, caregivers can offer genuine support and compassion.

 

Setting boundaries is not only beneficial for preventing compassion fatigue but also for enhancing compassion itself. Boundaries allow individuals to have a defined time and space for compassion, which can result in deeper presence and understanding. By protecting their own well-being through boundaries, caregivers can offer more genuine and sustainable support to those they care for.

 

Boundaries are essential for relationships

 

Boundaries are essential for relationships. we discuss the importance of boundaries in managing energy exchange and maintaining integrity within relationships. We emphasize that boundaries are not meant to be rules or punishments, but rather tools that help individuals navigate their interactions with others.

 

We refer to Brene Brown’s definition of boundaries, using the acronym BIG (Boundaries, Integrity, Generous). According to Brown, boundaries are necessary for individuals to stay in their integrity and assume the best intentions of others. This highlights the idea that boundaries are not meant to isolate or separate individuals, but rather to create a framework within which relationships can thrive.

 

We also discuss how boundaries can be seen as intentions. By being intentional with their time and energy, individuals can set clear boundaries and communicate their needs effectively. This allows for a more balanced and fulfilling exchange in relationships, as both parties understand and respect each other’s boundaries.

 

Listen to this episode HERE!

Ready to take the next step in your self-awareness?  Download some helpful worksheets HERE!

 

Boundaries: Being Honest With Yourself & Others

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Setting healthy boundaries is important.

Setting healthy boundaries is important for our overall well-being and happiness. It allows us to take control of our lives, prioritize our needs, and maintain healthy relationships with others. Without healthy boundaries, we may find ourselves feeling overwhelmed, resentful, and unfulfilled.

Megan and Elizabeth discuss the significance of identifying and addressing unhealthy boundaries. They acknowledge that it is normal to reassess what is working for us and what is not, especially during midlife. They emphasize the importance of reclaiming our time, energy, and joy in order to make the most out of the second half of our lives.

Unhealthy boundaries can manifest in various aspects of our lives, including our relationships with others and our own personal choices. Megan highlights the need to recognize when we are participating in or being affected by someone else’s unhealthy boundaries. This could involve feeling guilted into doing something or being pressured to engage in activities that do not align with our preferences or values.

To address unhealthy boundaries, they suggest first identifying where we are getting hooked in. This involves reflecting on our own boundaries and determining whether a boundary violation is occurring. It is essential to trust ourselves and feel comfortable saying no when something does not align with our needs or desires. They encourage listeners to appreciate the person asking but firmly assert their boundaries.

One challenge in setting healthy boundaries is the fear of how others will react. We may worry about hurting someone’s feelings or damaging a relationship. However, Megan and Elizabeth emphasize the importance of trusting ourselves and allowing others to take care of themselves. It is not our responsibility to constantly please others at the expense of our own well-being.

 

Take care of yourself first.

They emphasize the importance of taking care of oneself first. Megan highlights how divorce or separation can serve as an eye-opener for individuals, prompting them to reevaluate their lives and make necessary changes. The conversation delves into the idea that stabilizing one’s own life may not necessarily lead to a stable relationship, as it also requires open communication and speaking one’s truth.

She also explores the concept of emotional dependency and attachment in relationships. She discusses how individuals may reach a point, often referred to as the “fuck it forties,” where they no longer want to be the stabilizing force in their family. This realization signifies a need for change and a desire for a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Throughout our lives, we experience significant changes every seven years. These changes can range from career shifts to becoming parents, and even personal health transformations. It is essential to recognize these shifts and reassess our boundaries and relationships accordingly. Megan emphasizes the importance of investing in oneself and allowing others to adjust to these changes.

The conversation also touches on the idea that taking care of oneself is not selfish but rather an act of self-care. It can inspire others to take action and prioritize their own well-being. By setting an example and demonstrating self-care, individuals can inspire their loved ones to do the same.

Develop independence, prioritize self-care.

Megan begins by discussing the importance of developing independence in children. She acknowledges their desire to care for and provide for their children but also recognizes that constantly doing things for them can hinder their growth and independence. She mentions that allowing children to make their own meals and take care of themselves is a reasonable skill for a 14-year-old. By doing everything for their children, they inadvertently create a codependent relationship where the child becomes reliant on them for everything.

 

Megan and Elizabeth then shift the focus to women in their forties who have lost themselves in the process of caring for others. They explain that some women never fully develop their own identity because they transition directly from their parents’ home into a relationship where they continue to meet the needs of others. As a result, they reach a point where they don’t even know what they want or what is healthy for them. This lack of self-awareness and self-care can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment.

To address this issue, they teach teenage girls the importance of showing up in a relationship and expressing their opinions. They use the example of choosing a restaurant for a date. Initially, the girls may say they don’t mind where they go because they want to be liked. However, if they never assert their preferences, they may become resentful that their partner never asks for their input. By not choosing, they are indirectly choosing to prioritize the other person’s needs over their own.

They emphasize that showing up as oneself and having preferences is an essential part of healthy relationships. They encourage individuals to express their likes and dislikes, whether it’s about food or any other aspect of life. By doing so, they are asserting their personality and communicating who they are to others. It is important to have an opinion and not always defer to others’ choices.

Honesty is difficult but important.

Megan and Elizabeth highlight the difficulty of being honest but also emphasize its importance in relationships. They acknowledge that while it is possible to force oneself to do something, it is more meaningful to make a conscious choice to be honest. This choice requires vulnerability and the willingness to let go of the need to control how others perceive us.

Being honest is not always easy. It requires stepping out of one’s comfort zone and facing potential judgment or rejection. They recognize that society often downplays the challenges of honesty and the fear of being judged. However, they stress the significance of addressing this difficulty and acknowledging the courage it takes to be honest.

 

Listen to Part 2 of Episode 4 from Season 3 HERE!

Boundaries During the Holidays

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Setting boundaries during the holidays.

The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. However, for many people, it can also be a time of stress, overwhelm, and exhaustion. The pressure to attend events, participate in traditions, and meet societal expectations can take a toll on mental and emotional well-being. That is why it is crucial to set boundaries during the holidays.

Setting boundaries is an act of self-care. It involves recognizing and prioritizing one’s own needs, protecting mental and emotional well-being, and maintaining healthy relationships. 

One aspect is the need to differentiate between what we think we “should” do (“shoulding” all over ourselves) and what truly brings us joy. Megan mentions the internal struggle of wanting to spend time with her children but questioning whether the activities they engage in are enjoyable for the whole family. This dilemma prompts her to examine their traditions and determine which ones serve the memories and experiences they desire, and which ones they are simply going through the motions for.

By examining our traditions and questioning their purpose, we can make conscious choices about what activities to engage in during the holiday season. This allows us to prioritize the events and traditions that bring us joy and create meaningful memories, while letting go of those that do not align with our values or preferences. It is essential to remember that it is okay to let go of traditions that no longer serve us or bring us happiness. We “should” not feel obligated to continue them simply because they are expected or have been done in the past. We “could” do it how we have done it in the past, or we could do it differently. What are the “Rainbow of Options”?

Another important aspect of setting boundaries is the impact of our attitude and energy on ourselves and those around us. She emphasizes the importance of being aware of the nonverbal communication we send when we force ourselves to participate in activities we do not enjoy. When we are not fully present or enthusiastic, it affects the overall atmosphere and energy of the event. By acknowledging our true feelings and choosing not to participate in activities that do not bring us joy, we can avoid draining ourselves and zapping the energy from the room.

It is important to be honest with ourselves and others about our boundaries. It is okay to change our minds, even at the last minute, and prioritize our well-being. She encourages listeners to ask for space or time alone if needed, without feeling guilty or obligated to attend events or engage in activities that do not align with their current needs. By communicating our boundaries honestly and respectfully, we allow ourselves the freedom to prioritize self-care and create a holiday season that is more aligned with our individual needs and desires.

Setting healthy boundaries is important.

Setting healthy boundaries is important in all aspects of life, including during the holiday season. One of the main reasons why setting boundaries is crucial is to prioritize our own needs. Megan mentions that it is essential to consider our own feelings and emotions when making decisions. It is not selfish to prioritize our own happiness and well-being. By setting boundaries, we can ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and not sacrificing our own needs for the sake of others.

Communication is also a key component of setting healthy boundaries. Megan mentions the importance of being honest and open about our boundaries. By communicating our needs and limitations, we can avoid resentment and misunderstandings. It is important to own our feelings and communicate them to others, especially when it comes to parenting. By being transparent with our children about our own emotions and limitations, we can teach them the importance of setting boundaries and taking care of themselves.

Take responsibility for your choices.

Taking responsibility for our choices is an important aspect of setting boundaries. It requires acknowledging that we have control over our decisions and actions, and that we are responsible for the consequences that arise from them. Megan and Elizabeth discuss how parents need to take responsibility for the choices they make regarding their children’s activities and schedules. The encourage parents to be intentional about what they can physically do and not be afraid to say no or set limits.

They also touch on the importance of taking responsibility in relationships with parents. They mention the guilt and feelings that can arise when trying to balance the demands of visiting or calling parents. They highlight the need for open communication and assertiveness in expressing one’s limitations and boundaries. By taking responsibility for their choices, individuals can actively work towards finding a balance that works for them and their parents.

Ultimately, taking responsibility for our choices means recognizing that we have agency in our lives. It means acknowledging that we have the power to make decisions that are in our best interest and that align with our values and needs. By taking responsibility for our choices, we can create a life that is authentic and fulfilling. It allows us to prioritize our well-being and establish healthy boundaries that promote healthy relationships and self-care.

Listen to this episode HERE!

worry

Emotional Tornadoes

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Manage expectations, choose your response

Managing expectations and choosing our responses are crucial aspects of maintaining healthy boundaries and self-awareness. Megan discusses the importance of knowing what we need and understanding our expectations in various situations.

She begins by using the example of driving on the freeway to illustrate how expectations can lead to emotional activation. When someone cuts us off while driving, we have an expectation that people should drive safely. However, when our expectations aren’t met, we may become angry or frustrated. She emphasizes that having expectations is not inherently bad, but it’s essential to consider how we handle situations when our expectations are not met.

She shares the experience of living in a small rural community and then moving to Tampa, where she has encountered more aggressive driving behavior. She acknowledges that her expectations of people staying out of her lane have changed. However, she also practices perspective-taking, trying to understand why someone might be driving recklessly. She mentions a friend who suggests considering that the other driver may have an urgent need, like needing to use the restroom. This perspective helps her manage her feelings and respond calmly instead of reacting with aggression.

She highlights the importance of managing our feelings and responses, even when dealing with strangers. Megan discusses how the dysregulation of others can affect our own expectations and well-being. For instance, if someone’s reckless driving causes an accident, it may inconvenience us and raise our insurance rates. Therefore, it is crucial to observe our feelings and make conscious choices about how we respond to these situations.

Megan also extends the metaphor of driving to other scenarios, such as interactions at the grocery store or with coworkers. In these situations, someone else’s energy or mood can impact us. She questions how long we allow ourselves to carry those negative feelings and how upset we let ourselves become. She emphasizes the need to let go of expectations and not let others’ actions dictate our emotions.

She mentions the concept of “shoulding all over yourself,” which refers to having rigid expectations and beliefs about how things should be. She encourages listeners to consider if they are shooting all over themselves or others, and instead, adopt a more flexible mindset. By recognizing that people may not always follow the rules, we can focus on how we choose to respond to these situations.

 

Slowing things down, stopping to think, and identifying our desired response are suggested as helpful strategies. Taking a moment to reflect on our emotions and deciding how we want to react can lead to more thoughtful and intentional responses.

Set boundaries with others’ emotions.

They discuss the concept of setting boundaries with others’ emotions. She emphasizes the idea that we have the power to choose whether or not we allow other people’s emotions to affect us. Megan uses the analogy of being inside a bubble, where our emotions are supposed to stay within our own sphere. However, they acknowledge that some people, particularly highly sensitive individuals or empaths, may find it more challenging to maintain this boundary.

Megan and Elizabeth discuss the desire for other people to feel a certain way and how that can impact our own emotions. They give examples of situations where someone else’s hurry or worry can make us feel the same way. However, they emphasize the importance of holding onto our own emotions and not absorbing what others are feeling. They mention that this can be particularly difficult for highly sensitive people, as they are more attuned to their environment and the emotions of others.

They also explore the idea of using a “shit shield” or a metaphorical plexiglass shield to protect ourselves from other people’s emotions. This shield allows us to see and understand that someone else is feeling a certain way without having to take on their emotions ourselves. It is about giving ourselves permission to not feel responsible for someone else’s emotional state and to focus on our own regulation and well-being.

They also touch on the concept of over-functioning and under-functioning, which is another topic they plan to discuss in a future episode. They highlight the importance of not taking on the role of soothing someone else’s emotions if they are not asking for our help. Instead, they encourage listeners to focus on their own emotional regulation and not feel the need to save or help someone else unless it is explicitly requested.

Setting boundaries with emotional tornadoes.

Setting boundaries with emotional tornadoes is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and protecting our own emotional well-being. Megan and Elizabeth  discuss how we can easily get caught up in someone else’s emotional turmoil and be influenced by their emotions. This can lead to us adopting their emotions as our own and losing sight of our own boundaries.

They use the metaphor of a tornado to describe these emotionally overwhelming situations. They explain that sometimes, with unhealthy individuals, our best course of action is to simply observe the tornado without engaging with it. This means not allowing ourselves to be swept up in their emotions or getting reactive to their behavior. Instead, we should maintain a sense of awareness and control over our own emotions.

One example given is dealing with anxious people. When someone in our lives is feeling anxious and tries to project that onto us, it is important to recognize that we don’t have to take on their anxiety. We can choose to remain calm and not let their emotions affect us. By setting this boundary, we can protect ourselves from being overwhelmed and maintain our own emotional well-being.

Another aspect of setting boundaries with emotional tornadoes is recognizing our own limitations and knowing when we are not in the right emotional state to engage in certain conversations or activities. They discuss how one of them is a morning person and prefers to process emotions earlier in the day, while their child prefers to do so late at night. In this situation, they set a boundary by redirecting the child to their other parent, who is better equipped to handle late-night emotional discussions. This shows the importance of knowing our own boundaries and communicating them to others.

Ultimately, setting boundaries with emotional tornadoes is about taking care of ourselves and maintaining healthy relationships. It involves recognizing when we need to step back, observing without engaging, and communicating our boundaries to others. By prioritizing our own emotional regulation and well-being, we can navigate challenging situations with greater ease and foster healthier connections with others.

 

Listen to the episode 2, Part 2 from Season 3 HERE!

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Therapist Elizabeth McCormack shares what she’s learned personally about boundaries!

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Therapy is essential for growth.

Hitting a plateau or feeling unfulfilled is a common experience at midlife. It is normal to reassess what is working and what is not, and to want to reclaim one’s time, energy, and joy. 

Megan believes that therapists benefit from undergoing therapy themselves. Clients can only go as deep and as far as their therapists have gone.  This sentiment is echoed by Elizabeth McCormack, who shares her own experiences with therapy.

Elizabeth reveals that she had her first therapy session in high school, a time when she was going through the challenges of coming of age and dealing with the complexities of her parents’ divorce. However, she quickly realized that the therapist she saw did not understand her experiences as a young teenage girl, and she discontinued therapy after a few sessions.

Despite this initial negative experience, Elizabeth later pursued therapy during graduate school when her father passed away. She felt that it was necessary to work through the unresolved issues in her relationship with her father. She also has continued therapy on and off in different settings, depending on the circumstances she was facing.

Elizabeth emphasizes the importance of the therapeutic relationship and finding the right therapist. She advises her clients to give therapy a few sessions and to trust their instincts. If they feel uncomfortable or do not trust their therapist, she encourages them to find someone else. She believes that 80% of the effectiveness of therapy is dependent on having the right therapist.

She also acknowledges the challenges of finding the right therapist, especially during times of transition or relocation. Elizabeth shares her own difficulties in finding a therapist when she moved from state to state. She recognizes that moving is one of the most challenging life experiences and that therapy can be crucial in helping individuals navigate through these transitions.

The essential role of therapy in personal growth and fulfillment is crucial. Therapy provides individuals with the tools to navigate through challenging periods, work through unresolved issues, and manage stress and anxiety. Ultimately, therapy is a valuable resource for individuals seeking personal growth, fulfillment, and a greater sense of well-being.

Transitioning in therapy is therapeutic.

Transitioning in therapy is therapeutic because it allows individuals to learn new things, gain a different perspective, and re-narrate their story. The process of transitioning from one therapist to another provides an opportunity to explore and process past experiences, trauma, and emotions. It allows individuals to reflect on their journey and gain a deeper understanding of themselves.

One of the benefits of transitioning in therapy is the chance to learn new things. Each therapist has a unique approach and perspective, which can offer fresh insights and techniques. By working with different therapists, individuals can expand their knowledge and gain new tools for personal growth and healing.

Transitioning in therapy also allows individuals to re-narrate their story. As they move from one therapist to another, they have the opportunity to reflect on their past experiences and how they have evolved over time. They can examine their childhood, teenage years, and any traumatic events that have shaped their lives. By re-telling their story, individuals can gain a new understanding of themselves and their emotions.

It allows individuals to focus on the present and future. While it is important to acknowledge and process the past, therapy also encourages individuals to look forward and set goals for personal growth. Therapists at the Mindfulness Center, for example, are solution-focused and help clients identify where they want to be headed. By exploring the past, individuals can gain insights and knowledge that can help them navigate their current challenges and move forward in a more fulfilling way.

Therapy can be particularly beneficial for high-functioning individuals who are experiencing a point of stagnation or feeling stuck. Therapy provides a space for them to talk through their challenges and gain support from someone who understands and empathizes with their experiences. Trust is an essential component of therapy, and individuals can trust that their therapist has either been through similar experiences or has helped others overcome similar challenges.

Shift, boundaries, independence, growth, connection.

One of the key themes is the need to shift. Elizabeth emphasizes the importance of recognizing when something needs to change and taking action to make that shift. This can apply to various aspects of life, including work, relationships, and personal growth. By paying attention to how one feels and questioning their actions and motivations, individuals can identify areas where change is needed and take steps to make that shift.

Setting boundaries is another important aspect discussed in the podcast. Over-functioning, whether it be at work or in personal relationships, can lead to feelings of burnout and dependency. Elizabeth encourages listeners to examine their own behavior and question whether their helping is truly beneficial or if it is keeping others dependent on them. Setting boundaries allows individuals to maintain their own independence and encourages others to take responsibility for themselves.

Independence and personal growth are so important. The importance of allowing children to make mistakes and learn from them, even if it means experiencing discomfort. This same principle applies to adults as well. Personal growth often comes from trying new things, making mistakes, and learning from them. It is important to embrace discomfort and navigate through it in order to grow and develop as individuals.

Connection is another key theme, particularly in the context of couples therapy. Elizabeth mentions the Gottman model, which focuses on building a strong friendship and connection within a relationship. This involves actively listening, showing interest, and being present for one’s partner. By prioritizing connection, couples can strengthen their relationship and improve overall satisfaction.

Effective communication is key.

Effective communication is key in all aspects of life, especially in relationships. Megan discusses the importance of resolving conflict, understanding each other’s needs, and maintaining a strong emotional connection.

One aspect of effective communication is the ability to resolve conflict. Megan acknowledges that it is common for couples to have recurring fights or unresolvable issues. However, she emphasizes the importance of addressing these conflicts instead of letting them simmer. By having open and honest conversations about their concerns, couples can work towards finding solutions and improving their relationship.

Another aspect of effective communication is the need for open dialogue about expectations and desires. Megan mentions that many couples struggle with feeling unsatisfied in their sex lives or have different expectations regarding love and intimacy. By openly discussing these topics and seeking a third party’s perspective, couples can gain insight into what is normal and find ways to improve their relationship.

Megan and Elizabeth talk about the significance of fostering connection and maintaining a strong emotional bond. They note that it is important for couples to be friends and to continuously work on their friendship. This involves prioritizing quality time together. By nurturing their emotional connection, couples can strengthen their relationship and navigate challenges more effectively. 

If you want to learn more about boundaries, communication, and therapy join us on this episode of shifting our shit as we talk with Elizabeth. 

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