At The Mindfulness Center, many clients are surprised when we discuss how holiday anxiety doesn’t just live in their worried thoughts about family dinner—it lives in their bodies and communicates through them during every family interaction, often without their awareness. The language of holiday anxiety is frequently non-verbal, and this can profoundly impact our most important family connections during what’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year.

Reading Between the Holiday Lines: Anxiety’s Physical Presence at Family Gatherings

Holiday family anxiety manifests physically in ways that relatives can sense, even when we’re trying our best to appear festive:

• The slight tension in shoulders or not-so-genuine smile while opening gifts in front of everyone
• Eyes that dart toward exits when certain family topics arise
• Arms crossed protectively during conversations about life choices
• A voice that shifts pitch or speeds up when relatives ask about sensitive subjects
• The subtle stepping back when a family member moves toward emotional intimacy or confrontation

These physical expressions aren’t intentional holiday rudeness—they’re the body’s authentic response to perceived threats in an environment where we most want to belong. However, they can send mixed messages that leave family members confused, hurt, or more likely to push harder for connection in ways that increase anxiety.

The Double-Bind of Holiday Family Communication

People with anxiety often find themselves in a holiday communication double-bind that looks something like this:

Words say: “I’m so excited about Christmas dinner at your house!”
Body says: Shallow breathing, fidgeting with phone, minimal eye contact when discussing plans.

Words say: “I love spending time with everyone.”
Body says: Positioning near doorways, checking the time frequently, tense facial expressions.

Words say: “I’m fine with however we do gift exchange this year.”
Body says: Rigid posture, forced smile, distracted responses to conversation.

Family members naturally respond more to the non-verbal cues than the verbal ones—it’s human instinct. Remember, over 90% of what we communicate is non-verbal. Only 10% of what we communicate are the words.This creates holiday disconnection, as the person with anxiety may genuinely want to enjoy family time, while their body tells a story of stress and discomfort.

Mindfulness: Bridging the Holiday Communication Gap

At The Mindfulness Center, we work with clients to bring awareness to this mind-body disconnection through several holiday-specific practices:

Holiday body scanning: Before and during family gatherings, take time to notice physical sensations linked to emotional states, building awareness of how family-related anxiety manifests uniquely in your body. Do you have a lump in your throat? Are your shoulders up by your ears? Is your heart beating faster than normal? 

Pre-gathering congruence check-ins: Before important family conversations or activities, take a moment to ensure your words, intentions, and physical presence are aligned. If they’re not, that’s valuable information about what you might need. 

Transparent holiday communication: With trusted family members, practice naming the physical experience: “I notice I’m feeling tense right now. I think I’m anxious about this topic, even though I want to be here with everyone.”

Mindful holiday movement: Taking short walks between family activities, stepping outside for fresh air, or even doing gentle stretches can help reconnect mind and body, making non-verbal cues more intentional and less anxiety-driven.

One client shared a holiday breakthrough: “I realized my mom wasn’t responding to my words about being happy to help with dinner, but to how my whole body seemed stressed and overwhelmed. Once I could acknowledge that tension and ask for what I actually needed—like a few minutes to decompress—everything changed.”

Creating a Non-Verbal Holiday Safe Haven

For family members supporting someone with anxiety during the holidays, understanding the non-verbal dimension creates opportunity for deeper seasonal connection:

• Honor both verbal and non-verbal messages without assuming either tells the complete holiday story
• Create physical environments that reduce threat responses (comfortable seating areas, quiet spaces for breaks, manageable group sizes)
• Offer your own calm, open body language as an anchor during challenging family moments
• Notice and gently name incongruent messages: “I hear you saying you’re enjoying dinner, but you seem tense. Would it help to take a few minutes outside together?”

Non-verbal communication happens whether we acknowledge it or not during family gatherings. By bringing mindful awareness to this dimension, those with anxiety can bring their full selves—both spoken and unspoken—into alignment with their holiday intentions, creating family connections built on authentic presence rather than performance.

In our next blog, we’ll explore how anxiety influences honesty and disclosure with family during the holidays, and how mindfulness can help navigate these emotionally charged waters with compassion.

 

Megan Bayles Bartley, MAMFT, LMFT, is a proud member of The American Society of Clinical Hypnosis and The International Society of Hypnosis.

She has written several contributions for the Ericksonian FoundationNewsletter multiple times! She’s even had her book RESET: Six Powerful Exercises to Refocus Your Attention on What Works for You and Let Go of What Doesn’t reviewed in the Newsletter. Read the review HERE!

The Plot Twist Nobody Saw Coming

Here’s what they don’t tell you about getting through perimenopause: on the other side lies a version of yourself that’s more authentic, more powerful, and more unapologetically you than you’ve ever been. Welcome to your fucking fabulous fifties.

The Wisdom of the Warrior

You’ve survived sleep deprivation, hormonal chaos, teenage attitudes, and marital renegotiation. You’ve learned to hold space for your anxiety without letting it drive the bus. You’ve discovered that advocating for yourself and setting boundaries isn’t selfish – it’s survival.

This isn’t just about getting through perimenopause. This is about emerging transformed.

The Mindful Integration

By now, mindfulness isn’t just a practice – it’s a way of being. You’ve learned to:

• Respond rather than react
• Honor your needs without guilt
• Communicate authentically
• Trust your inner wisdom

Marriage: The Next Chapter

Your relationship has weathered the storm. You’ve both learned that love isn’t just about compatibility – it’s about growing together through change. Your marriage might look different now, but it’s probably more honest, more intentional, and more resilient.

Parenting: The Long Game

Your teenagers are watching you navigate this transition with grace and grit. You’re teaching them that:

• Women’s experiences are valid and important
• Change is natural and survivable
• Asking for help is courageous
• Authenticity is more valuable than perfection

The Gifts of Going Through

Clarity: You know what matters now. The rest is just noise.

Confidence: You’ve survived your worst days. You can handle whatever comes next.

Compassion: For yourself and others navigating their own transitions.

Courage: To live authentically, speak truthfully, and love fiercely.

Your Fucking Fabulous Fifties Manifesto

I am not the woman I was in my thirties, and that’s exactly as it needs to be.

I choose relationships that nourish me and release those that drain me.

I trust my body’s wisdom, even when it’s inconvenient.

I parent from authenticity rather than anxiety.

I show up in my marriage as myself, not who I think I “should” be.

I honor my needs without apology.

I speak my truth with kindness but without compromise.

I embrace the messiness of being human.

I am not too much. I am exactly enough.

The Ripple Effect

Your journey through perimenopause doesn’t just change you – it changes everyone around you. Your teenagers learn about resilience. Your partner learns about adaptability. Your friends learn about authenticity. Your community learns about the strength that comes from vulnerability.

A Letter to Your Past Self

Dear woman in the thick of it,

I know you’re scared. I know you feel lost. I know you’re tired of feeling like you’re failing everyone.

You’re not failing. You’re transforming.

This chaos you’re experiencing? It’s the breakdown that comes before the breakthrough. Your body isn’t betraying you – it’s teaching you to listen. Your emotions aren’t too much – they’re information.

Trust the process. Trust yourself. Trust that on the other side of this storm is a version of yourself that you’ll absolutely love.

Your future self is fucking fabulous, and she’s worth every uncomfortable moment of growth. Remember, growth doesn’t happen without discomfort!

The Invitation

This is your invitation to stop apologizing for taking up space, for having needs, for being human. Your perimenopause journey isn’t just about hormones – it’s about reclaiming your power, your voice, and your right to exist fully in this world.

Your fucking fabulous fifties are waiting. And honey, they’re going to be incredible.

Resources for Your Journey

• Connect with other women going through this transition
• Consider therapy or counseling for additional support
• Explore hormone therapy options with healthcare providers
• Join perimenopause support groups online or in your community
• Practice self-compassion daily

Remember: You’re not just surviving this transition – you’re using it to become the woman you were always meant to be.

Here’s to your beautiful, messy, powerful journey. You’ve got this.

 

Megan Bayles Bartley, MAMFT, LMFT, is a proud member of The American Society of Clinical Hypnosis and The International Society of Hypnosis.

She has written several contributions for the Ericksonian FoundationNewsletter multiple times! She’s even had her book RESET: Six Powerful Exercises to Refocus Your Attention on What Works for You and Let Go of What Doesn’t reviewed in the Newsletter. Read the review HERE!

By Megan Bayles Bartley, LMFT

Welcome to the Club Nobody Talks About

Here’s the thing they don’t tell you about perimenopause: it’s not just about hot flashes and irregular periods. It’s about your body staging a complete renovation while you’re still living in the house. And honey, construction is messy.

You’re in your forties, maybe early fifties, and suddenly your body feels like it’s speaking a foreign language. Your sleep is scattered, your emotions swing like a pendulum, and your teenagers are looking at you like you’ve lost your damn mind. Spoiler alert: you haven’t. You’re just entering what I like to call the “fuck it forties” – that beautiful, chaotic time when your body (and the rest of you!) starts prioritizing different things.

The Anxiety Spiral: When Your Mind Joins the Party

Let’s get real about perimenopause anxiety. One day you’re handling life like the capable woman you are, and the next, you’re lying awake at 3 AM catastrophizing about whether you remembered to wash your teenager’s basketball jersey or if that slight change in your partner’s tone means your marriage is doomed.

This isn’t weakness. This isn’t failure. This is hormones doing the tango with your neurotransmitters while you’re trying to keep everyone else’s world spinning.

Here’s your permission slip: You don’t have to be okay with feeling like this. You also don’t have to fix it all at once. In fact, you probably can’t. What you can do is accept that life is really uncomfortable right now.

Mindful Awareness: Your New Best Friend

Mindfulness isn’t about sitting cross-legged humming “Om” (though if that’s your thing, go for it). It’s about creating space between what you’re feeling and how you respond. When anxiety hits, try this:

1. Name it: “I’m feeling anxious about my daughter’s attitude.”
2. Claim it: “This is a normal response to hormonal changes. AND it is developmentally appropriate for my daughter to behave this way.”
3. Breathe through it: Three deep breaths where the exhale is longer than the inhale. (Simple yet VERY effective!)

The Marriage Reality Check

Your partner might be confused. Hell, you might be confused. The woman they married is still there, but she’s evolving. Your needs are changing. Your boundaries are shifting. And that’s not just okay – it’s necessary.

Communication becomes crucial: “I need you to know that when I seem irritable, it’s not about you. I’m navigating some big changes, and I need your patience while I figure this out.”

Parenting Teens While Your Brain Feels Like Swiss Cheese

The cosmic joke of perimenopause is that it often coincides with parenting adolescents. You’re both going through hormonal chaos, emotional upheaval, and identity shifts. It’s like a perfect storm of feelings.

Survival strategy: Lower the bar. Seriously. If everyone is fed, relatively clean, and still speaking to each other by bedtime (at least most of the time), you’ve won the day.

Your Homework (Because You’re Not Busy Enough)

This week, practice radical self-compassion. When you catch yourself spiraling, ask: “What would I tell my best friend if she were going through this?”

Remember: You’re not broken. You’re not failing. You’re in transition. And transitions, while messy, often lead to the most beautiful transformations.

Next month: We’ll dive into practical strategies for managing the day-to-day chaos while honoring your changing needs.

 

Megan Bayles Bartley, MAMFT, LMFT, is a proud member of The American Society of Clinical Hypnosis and The International Society of Hypnosis.

She has written several contributions for the Ericksonian FoundationNewsletter multiple times! She’s even had her book RESET: Six Powerful Exercises to Refocus Your Attention on What Works for You and Let Go of What Doesn’t reviewed in the Newsletter. Read the review HERE!

By Megan Bayles Bartley, LMFT

We’ve all been there—standing in the kitchen, completely blindsided by our teenager’s emotional response to what seemed like a simple question. “How was your day?” somehow escalated into slammed doors and tears, leaving you wondering, “What just happened?”

Parents often come to me feeling like they’re walking on eggshells around their teens. They describe conversations that explode without warning and wounds that deepen with each miscommunication.

If this sounds familiar, I want you to know something important: This isn’t a reflection of your parenting. It’s an invitation to a new way of connecting.

The Gap Between Intention and Impact

One parent told me, “I thought I was being supportive by offering solutions, but my daughter just kept saying I wasn’t listening. It took me months to realize that when she talked about a problem, she didn’t want me to fix it—she wanted me to understand how she felt about it.”

This gap between what we intend to communicate and what our teens actually receive is the source of so much unnecessary pain.

The Art of Reflective Listening

When emotions are high, the most powerful thing you can do is this: Listen to understand, not to respond.

Try this mindful approach:

• Pause before responding (count to three in your head if you need to)
• Reflect what you hear (“It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated because…”)
• Validate their emotional experience (“That makes sense. I can see why you’d feel that way”)
• Ask what they need (“Would it help to talk more about this, or would you prefer some space?”)

When we respond from this place of presence, something shifts. The defensiveness begins to dissolve. The connection strengthens.

Repair Is More Important Than Perfection

Despite our best intentions, we will say the wrong thing. We will misunderstand. We will lose our patience.

And when that happens, we have an opportunity to model something profoundly important: how to repair relationship ruptures.

A sincere “I’m sorry I interrupted you. I really want to understand what you’re saying” goes further than perfect communication ever could. It shows our teens that relationships can withstand conflict—that love remains even when things get messy.

One mother told me how transformative it was when she started apologizing to her teenager: “It completely changed our dynamic. Now he apologizes too, without me asking. He’s learning that strong people admit when they’re wrong.”

Creating Space for Emotion

Many of us were raised to believe that certain emotions were unacceptable—that anger should be suppressed, that tears were a sign of weakness, that frustration should be overcome quickly and quietly.

If we want our teens to develop emotional intelligence, we need to make space for the full spectrum of feelings—theirs and ours.

Try saying: “It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to be hurtful.” “I see that you’re upset. Your feelings matter to me.” “I’m feeling frustrated right now and need a moment to calm down before we continue this conversation.”

When we honor emotion without being controlled by it, we teach our teens to do the same.

Remember, through all the storms of adolescence, your relationship is the lighthouse. Keep it lit with presence, compassion, and a willingness to begin again.

In next month’s blog, we’ll explore how to set boundaries that respect both your needs and your teen’s growing independence. Until then, breathe deeply and trust that each moment of connection, however brief, is making a difference.

 

Megan Bayles Bartley, MAMFT, LMFT, is a proud member of The American Society of Clinical Hypnosis and The International Society of Hypnosis.

She has written several contributions for the Ericksonian FoundationNewsletter multiple times! She’s even had her book RESET: Six Powerful Exercises to Refocus Your Attention on What Works for You and Let Go of What Doesn’t reviewed in the Newsletter. Read the review HERE!

by Ashley Vaden, LMFT

 

It was one of those Sundays when the weight of an endless to-do list—each task not insurmountable in itself—still managed to overwhelm me. Rather than spiral into endless doom scrolling, I reached for “The Antidote:  Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking” by Oliver Burkeman, and discovered a concept buried in the epilogue that resonated with me deeply:  Negative Capability.

Negative Capability, as the philosopher John Keats so eloquently defines, is the ability “to be in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason.” In other words, it’s about becoming comfortable with ambiguity instead of compulsively chasing neat, tidy answers. Burkeman emphasizes this in “The Antidote” by adding “sometimes the most valuable of all talents is to be able to not seek resolution; to notice the craving for completeness or comfort, and not feel compelled to follow where it leads.” In a culture that prizes certainty and quick fixes, learning to sit with the unknown can feel both rebellious and liberating.

What’s most brilliant and somewhat maddening about Negative Capability is that Keats was a mere 22 when he casually penned this concept in a letter after a drunken night with his pal, Dilke. Disgruntled by Dilke’s endless quest for definitiveness, Keats writes , “he will never come at a truth so long as he lives, because he is always trying at it.” Philosophers, historians and the like have been elaborating and musing on the concept of Negative Capability ever since. The neuropsychologist and author Paul Pearsall also seems to have been inspired by Keats’ wisdom, as Pearsall describes a kind of “openture,” where we open ourselves up to experiences of awe and even shock when we let go of the endless struggle for certitude.

I want to be clear that this is not about resigning ourselves to mediocrity. It’s more of an invitation to embrace life’s inherent messiness—recognizing that not ever mystery needs to be unraveled, and there is nothing noble about banging our heads against the wall. These reflections remind us that our relentless pursuit of the truth can blind us to the quiet beauty found in simply experiencing life as it unfolds. Negative here holding the dual meaning of “doing less” or “not doing,” and intentionally and willingly turning toward unpleasant emotions and sensations.

Frankly, I’m quite bored by the endless trope of platitudes—the insistence that we “have it all together.” In moments of vulnerability, the bravest thing we can do is sit with someone in the dark, offering no contrived advice or smug “I told you so’s,” but simply hold space and be present. Whether it’s the labyrinth of modern dating or the relentless demands of work, we’re conditioned to believe that every problem must have a swift solution, that we can manifest and abundance mindset our way out of suffering, and a gratitude practice means the end of our struggles. Yet sometimes the most profound wisdom is found in doing less—allowing ourselves and others to sit with discomfort and uncertainty, instead of feeling pressured to “know” or “fix” things immediately. Sometimes the greatest gift we can give someone is to say “I don’t know why that happened to you” and believe that they have value and deservingness nonetheless.

We might connect with the concept of Negative Capability in our mindfulness practice. By simply learning to sit with discomfort from the perspective of observer, to face the negative emotion and take a step back,  by creating distance between ourselves and a preconceived identity and coinciding thoughts, we not only reduce anxiety but also build emotional resilience and adaptability over time. In embracing Negative Capability, we open ourselves to a more authentic way of being—a practice that values the journey over the destination, mystery over resolution, and quiet acceptance over frenetic striving. Perhaps in admitting that we don’t, and may never, have all the answers, we discover deeper and more resilient forms of peace. At the very least, it seems in our best interest to embrace with humility our humanness and discard the arrogance of recycled advice.

I’ve always taken issue with the idea that sociology and psychology are the “soft sciences,” not Nobel Prize worthy in and of themselves because they are less quantifiable and hard to credit to one person vs another. However, I argue that the hardest thing we can do is face uncertainty head on, and hold the hands of our loved ones as they venture to do the same.

 

After acquiring my Master’s Degree at the University of Rochester, I returned to my home state of Kentucky. For the past 5 years, I have been serving adults, teens, and couples at The Mindfulness Center. I help clients heal and grow through means of self compassion and self-derived skills. I have felt especially drawn to attachment theory and Internal Family Systems, as I have found them to be the most empowering and effective modalities for complex trauma and relational distress. I hope to help people make use of their suffering and find purpose and meaning through life’s struggles.

To schedule an appointment with me click here.