When Emotions Run High While Parenting Teens: Communicating Through the Storm

By Megan Bayles Bartley, LMFT

We’ve all been there—standing in the kitchen, completely blindsided by our teenager’s emotional response to what seemed like a simple question. “How was your day?” somehow escalated into slammed doors and tears, leaving you wondering, “What just happened?”

Parents often come to me feeling like they’re walking on eggshells around their teens. They describe conversations that explode without warning and wounds that deepen with each miscommunication.

If this sounds familiar, I want you to know something important: This isn’t a reflection of your parenting. It’s an invitation to a new way of connecting.

The Gap Between Intention and Impact

One parent told me, “I thought I was being supportive by offering solutions, but my daughter just kept saying I wasn’t listening. It took me months to realize that when she talked about a problem, she didn’t want me to fix it—she wanted me to understand how she felt about it.”

This gap between what we intend to communicate and what our teens actually receive is the source of so much unnecessary pain.

The Art of Reflective Listening

When emotions are high, the most powerful thing you can do is this: Listen to understand, not to respond.

Try this mindful approach:

Pause before responding (count to three in your head if you need to)
Reflect what you hear (“It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated because…”)
Validate their emotional experience (“That makes sense. I can see why you’d feel that way”)
Ask what they need (“Would it help to talk more about this, or would you prefer some space?”)

When we respond from this place of presence, something shifts. The defensiveness begins to dissolve. The connection strengthens.

Repair Is More Important Than Perfection

Despite our best intentions, we will say the wrong thing. We will misunderstand. We will lose our patience.

And when that happens, we have an opportunity to model something profoundly important: how to repair relationship ruptures.

A sincere “I’m sorry I interrupted you. I really want to understand what you’re saying” goes further than perfect communication ever could. It shows our teens that relationships can withstand conflict—that love remains even when things get messy.

One mother told me how transformative it was when she started apologizing to her teenager: “It completely changed our dynamic. Now he apologizes too, without me asking. He’s learning that strong people admit when they’re wrong.”

Creating Space for Emotion

Many of us were raised to believe that certain emotions were unacceptable—that anger should be suppressed, that tears were a sign of weakness, that frustration should be overcome quickly and quietly.

If we want our teens to develop emotional intelligence, we need to make space for the full spectrum of feelings—theirs and ours.

Try saying: “It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to be hurtful.” “I see that you’re upset. Your feelings matter to me.” “I’m feeling frustrated right now and need a moment to calm down before we continue this conversation.”

When we honor emotion without being controlled by it, we teach our teens to do the same.

Remember, through all the storms of adolescence, your relationship is the lighthouse. Keep it lit with presence, compassion, and a willingness to begin again.

In next month’s blog, we’ll explore how to set boundaries that respect both your needs and your teen’s growing independence. Until then, breathe deeply and trust that each moment of connection, however brief, is making a difference.

Megan Bayles Bartley, MAMFT, LMFT, is a proud member of The American Society of Clinical Hypnosis and The International Society of Hypnosis.