The Gifts of Depression

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by Ashley Vaden, LMFT

 

“You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase:  make use of suffering.” These words, attributed to Henri-Frederic Amiel, hold a quiet truth that many of us resist. Depression, in all its weight and misery, feels like the enemy—something to escape, numb, or conquer. But what if depression were not an adversary, but a guide? An indicator or your next rite of passage?

 

Carl Jung reminds us that depression is not necessarily pathological. Often, it signals the need for profound change, a harbinger of transformation. Depression, when viewed through this lens, becomes less a punishment and more a messenger, carrying within it the potential for psychological renewal and creativity.

 

To “depress” means to “press down,” to force us into the depths of our own psyche. And though this descent is painful, is it purposeful. Depression pulls our energy and focus inward, away from the external world and distractions that we so often fixate upon. It demands that we stop looking outward for meaning and instead confront what lies within—the forgotten, the suppressed, the unconscious treasure of our own being.

 

James Hollis writes “It takes great courage to value depression, to respect it, not to try and medicate it away or distract ourselves from its misery. Down there is potential meaning split off from consciousness, but alive, dynamic.” Beneath the heaviness, beneath the despair, depression points us to what is hidden:  our instincts, passions, creative drives, and the fragments of our true selves. Depression serves as an opportunity to sift through our value system and determine what matters most. What we often experience as unbearable heaviness is, paradoxically, the weight of something alive struggling to emerge.

 

This descent into the depths is not a journey to be resisted. What we resist, after all, persists. The greatest treasures lie at the deepest places. Depression teaches us to dig, sift, and to descent without resistance, and unearth the psychological gold buried beneath. Yet, this does not mean identifying with depression or becoming lost within it. There is power in maintaining objectivity—in stepping back and observing it, not as something we are but as a part of us with something to teach.

 

In modern society, depression is heavily stigmatized, often seen as a personal failing or a condition to be cured quickly and quietly. We have little tolerance for its presence and even less space for expression. Thomas Moore in Care of the Soul challenges this perspective by suggesting that we reframe our relationship with depression entirely. Rather than pushing it to the margins of our lives, Moore argues that we create intentional spaces for depression—quiet, solitary sanctuaries within our communities. Imagine office buildings with dedicated rooms for solitude, , where people can retreat to sit with their feelings without shame or interruption. By making room for depression, not as an inconvenience but as a natural and meaningful part of life, we begin to strip away the stigma and embrace its potential to transform and renew us.

When we allow ourselves to sit with depression, to listen without judgement, it reveals its purpose:  to elicit dynamic change, to force a reorientation of the soul. It reminds us of what we have neglected within ourselves. Depression is not the end; it is the beginning of a renewal, a signpost pointing toward transformation and meaning.

 

So, when depression visits, as unwelcome as it may feel, consider this:  what lies beneath its weight? What treasure is hidden in the depth of it urges you to explore? It is in the descent, in the courage to feel and observe, that we begin to rise.

 

After acquiring my Master’s Degree at the University of Rochester, I returned to my home state of Kentucky. For the past 5 years, I have been serving adults, teens, and couples at The Mindfulness Center. I help clients heal and grow through means of self compassion and self-derived skills. I have felt especially drawn to attachment theory and Internal Family Systems, as I have found them to be the most empowering and effective modalities for complex trauma and relational distress. I hope to help people make use of their suffering and find purpose and meaning through life’s struggles.

 

To schedule an appointment with me click here.

How To Change Your Memories

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What are Maladaptively Stored Memories?

Our memories shape who we are, but sometimes, they can hold us back. Maladaptively stored memories are distressing experiences that haven’t been properly processed by the brain. They can be intrusive, causing flashbacks, nightmares, and intense emotions. They can be painful events from childhood when our brain wasn’t fully developed and the adults around us tried to “protect” us from what was happening. These memories need to be fully processed with a fully developed brain.

 

How Do They Affect Us?

Maladaptive memories can wreak havoc on our mental well-being. They can lead to:

  • Anxiety

  • Depression

  • Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

  • Unhealthy coping mechanisms

 

How Can Mindfulness Help?

Mindfulness practices can help us approach maladaptive memories with greater awareness and compassion. By learning to observe our thoughts and feelings without judgment, we can begin to detach from the emotional grip of the past.

Here are some mindfulness techniques that can help:

  • Meditation: Meditation can help us become more aware of our thoughts and feelings, and to let go of unhelpful attachments.

  • Journaling: Writing down our thoughts and feelings about a maladaptive memory can help us to process it and gain new insights.

  • Body awareness: Paying attention to our physical sensations can help us to identify and release tension associated with a maladaptive memory.

 

EMDR And Seeking Help

If you are struggling with maladaptive memories, you don’t have to go it alone. Our therapists can teach you coping mechanisms and help you process your experiences in a safe and supportive environment.

EMDR is a therapeutic technique specifically designed to help with reprocessing. Without having to fully re-experience the event. We can process current sensations and feelings that remind us of that previous event. We can then learn skills to address negative cognitions and triggering feelings to respond differently or have no response at all. Your memories don’t have to hold you back or make you feel powerless to your emotions. Reach out if you are wanting to feel more control and enjoyment in your life.

If you are interested in learning more please contact Elizabeth McCormack, LMFT for a 10 minute consultation to see if EMDR would be your next step to emotional freedom.

Mindfulness is a journey, not a destination. By developing a greater awareness of our thoughts and feelings, we can begin to heal from the past and create a brighter future.

Elizabeth, McCormack, Florida, therapist, mindfulness

Elizabeth McCormack, LMFT is our therapist at The Mindfulness Center offering EMDR. Feel free to schedule a FREE 10-minute consultation with her to see if working together is optimal for both of you. Or, if you’re ready to schedule your first therapy session, you can schedule with Elizabeth HERE!

understanding mindfulness, present

RESET: Embracing Growth Through Present Discomfort

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Embrace growth through discomfort.

“Embrace growth through discomfort” is a powerful concept that challenges us to step out of our comfort zones in order to achieve personal and professional growth. Megan discussed the importance of embracing discomfort as a means of pushing ourselves to new heights and reaching our full potential.

 

She explained that growth often comes from pushing ourselves beyond what we think we are capable of, and that this can only be achieved through discomfort. When we are comfortable, we are stagnant. We are not challenging ourselves or pushing ourselves to grow. It is only when we step outside of our comfort zones and embrace discomfort that we are able to truly grow and evolve as individuals.

 

Megan shared personal stories of times when they had to embrace discomfort in order to achieve her goals. She talked about the fear and uncertainty she felt, but also the sense of accomplishment and growth that came from pushing through those feelings. It was a reminder that growth is not always easy, but it is always worth it.

 

She also discussed the importance of seeking out discomfort in our daily lives. Whether it is trying something new, taking on a challenging project, or having difficult conversations, embracing discomfort is essential for personal growth. It is through these experiences that we learn more about ourselves, our capabilities, and our potential.

 

Shift “SHOULDS” to more empowering “COULDS”

Megan Bayless-Bartley discusses the importance of shifting to an empowering could in order to foster personal growth and self-empowerment. She emphasizes the negative impact of shoulds, which are limiting beliefs that often lead to feelings of guilt, judgment, and self-criticism. By replacing should with could, individuals can open themselves up to a wider range of options and possibilities, ultimately leading to a more positive and empowering mindset.

 

The concept of shifting shoulds to empowering coulds is a powerful tool for personal growth and self-empowerment. Shoulds are often rooted in external expectations, societal norms, and past conditioning, which can limit our ability to make choices that align with our true desires and values. When we constantly tell ourselves what we should be doing, we create a sense of obligation and pressure that can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.

 

Megan Bayles Bartley suggests that by embracing coulds, individuals can break free from the constraints of “shoulds” (shoulding all over ourselves) and embrace a more balanced and fulfilling life. By acknowledging where “shoulds” may have originated from, whether it be societal expectations, family influences, or personal beliefs, individuals can begin to challenge and reframe these limiting beliefs. This process of self-reflection and self-awareness allows individuals to take ownership of their choices and actions, and to cultivate a sense of agency and empowerment in their lives.

Listen to Season 4, Episode 5 of the Shifting Our Shit Podcast HERE!

marriage counseling quiz, resentment, unmet needs, unmet expectations

Resentment & Unmet Needs

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Resentment is built over time

 

Resentment is a complex emotion that is built over time. Therapists Megan Bayles Bartley, Elizabeth McCormack, and Britt Riddle delve into the concept of resentment and its connection to boundaries in relationships. They discuss how resentment is not an immediate reaction but rather a culmination of smaller emotions and unmet needs.

 

They begin by acknowledging that resentment is often preceded by feelings of irritability and annoyance. These initial emotions serve as warning signs that something is amiss in a relationship. They explain resentment arises when individuals feel anger, frustration, and a sense of unfairness or injustice without having a voice that feels heard. It is the result of ongoing experiences where one’s needs and boundaries are repeatedly disregarded or overlooked.

 

They provide relatable examples of how resentment can manifest in different areas of life, such as work, romantic partnerships, and parenting. They emphasize the importance of having a voice and feeling heard in order to prevent resentment from building up. When individuals repeatedly express their discomfort or dissatisfaction but are not listened to or respected, resentment grows.

 

Resentment is likened to a fabric that experiences tiny tears and pulls over time. These small infractions and unaddressed discomforts accumulate, eventually leading to a hole in the fabric of the relationship. They highlight the significance of paying attention to these early signs of discomfort and frustration, as they can escalate into anger and resentment if left unaddressed.

 

They also discuss the internal conflict that often accompanies resentment. Individuals may not only feel resentful towards others but also towards themselves. They may blame themselves for overcommitting, allowing mistreatment, or staying in a relationship that doesn’t feel healthy. This internal resentment further adds to the weight and heaviness of the emotion.

 

In terms of physical sensations, they describe resentment as a heaviness that lingers and follows individuals wherever they go. It is an emotional burden that affects both the mind and body. They compare resentment to bricks being mortared together to form a solid, heavy structure. Each individual brick represents a specific incident or unmet need, and as these bricks accumulate, resentment becomes more entrenched and difficult to dismantle.

 

Resentment stems from unmet needs

 

They acknowledge that resentment is not a one-time occurrence but rather a result of ongoing frustrations and unaddressed emotions. The importance of paying attention to what is happening in relationships and recognizing one’s own sense of power and control. When individuals feel powerless and lacking control, they may let things slide or become avoidant, which can contribute to the buildup of resentment.

 

Avoidance is identified as a significant red flag that indicates a failure to fully utilize one’s energy. They suggest that saying yes to everything can prevent others from having the opportunity to contribute and fulfill their own needs. It encourages individuals to examine their actions and determine what truly brings them fulfillment and what drains their energy. By doing so, they can identify areas where they may need to say no and set boundaries to prevent resentment from accumulating.

 

Be present and avoid resentment

 

The episode begins by discussing the importance of being present and paying attention to one’s actions and choices. The women share a personal anecdote about sitting down to read a new novel instead of engaging in other tasks that could be done. Despite the long list of things to do, they acknowledge the need to prioritize self-care and enjoy the present moment. This decision is made in anticipation of upcoming time off during the holidays.

 

They highlight the importance of being aware of one’s own feelings and potential resentments. They mention how they would feel resentful if they were to spend another hour making holiday peanut butter fudge. Instead, they choose to be present and engage in an activity that brings them joy. This decision is made consciously to avoid building resentment.

 

The conversation then shifts to the age factor and how it impacts the ability to prioritize oneself. The women acknowledge that as they get closer to 50, they have gained wisdom and understanding about the importance of self-care. They reflect on how they would have approached things differently 10 years ago, emphasizing the need for self-compassion for those who are still learning to prioritize themselves.

 

Boundaries empower self-worth and growth

 

The hosts discuss the importance of finding self-worth within oneself rather than seeking external validation. They highlight the societal pressure for women to prioritize serving others and how this can lead to neglecting one’s own needs and desires. It is emphasized that in order to effectively serve others, individuals must first believe that they are worthy of taking care of themselves.

 

The concept of boundaries is then introduced as a means of empowering self-worth and growth. The hosts discuss the fear of confrontation and the difficulty in standing up for oneself. They provide an example of setting boundaries around conversations and the importance of asking for what one needs. By clearly expressing their boundaries, individuals can avoid resentment and maintain healthy relationships.

 

They highlight the significance of consent in setting boundaries. By using the word “consent,” individuals can assert their right to choose when and how they engage in certain conversations or activities. This empowers individuals to prioritize their own well-being and communicate their needs effectively.

 

Listen to this Episode of the Shifting Our Shit Podcast HERE!

ground yourself

Help! I have Compassion Fatigue! Now What?!

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Types of rest for self-care

 

Self-care has become a popular topic in recent years, with many people recognizing the importance of taking care of themselves in order to maintain their overall well-being. One aspect of self-care that is often overlooked is rest. Rest is not just about getting enough sleep or taking a vacation, but it encompasses various types of rest that are necessary for our physical, mental, and emotional health.

 

The first type of rest is physical rest. This is what most people think of when they hear the word rest – taking a nap or lying in bed. However, physical rest can also include activities such as yoga or light stretching, which allow our bodies to relax and recharge. Physical rest is essential for repairing and rejuvenating our muscles, as well as reducing physical fatigue.

 

Another type of rest is mental rest. This type of rest is crucial for those who have taxing mental jobs or find themselves constantly engaged in mentally challenging tasks. Mental rest can involve activities that allow our minds to take a break from thinking and problem-solving, such as engaging in a hobby or spending time in nature. It is important to give our minds the opportunity to recharge and replenish their cognitive resources.

 

Sensory rest is another type of rest that is often overlooked. In today’s fast-paced and overstimulating world, our senses are constantly bombarded with information and stimuli. Taking time to rest our senses can involve finding a quiet and peaceful environment, away from noise and distractions. It can also involve engaging in activities that are soothing to our senses, such as listening to calming music or taking a relaxing bath. Sensory rest allows us to reset and recharge our senses, promoting a sense of calm and well-being.

 

Being creative is also a form of rest. Engaging in creative activities allows us to express ourselves and tap into our inner creativity. Whether it’s cooking, crafting, or engaging in artistic endeavors, being creative provides a sense of fulfillment and rejuvenation. It allows us to focus on the present moment and channel our energy into something that brings us joy.

 

Emotional rest is essential for our mental and emotional well-being. It involves taking the time to process and express our emotions in a safe and supportive environment. This can be achieved through talking to a trusted friend or therapist, journaling, or engaging in activities that promote emotional well-being, such as meditation or mindfulness practices. Emotional rest allows us to release pent-up emotions and find a sense of inner peace.

 

Social rest is another important aspect of self-care. It involves connecting with others and nurturing our relationships. Spending time with loved ones, having meaningful conversations, or simply enjoying the company of others can be incredibly rejuvenating. Social rest allows us to feel supported, understood, and valued, which contributes to our overall well-being.

 

Finally, spiritual rest involves connecting with something larger than ourselves. This can involve engaging in religious or spiritual practices, spending time in nature, or reflecting on our values and beliefs. Spiritual rest provides a sense of purpose and meaning, and allows us to find solace and peace in our lives.

 

Self-care is not selfish

 

Self-care is not selfish. This is a statement that is often misunderstood or dismissed. Many people view self-care as a luxury or a self-indulgent act, but in reality, it is a necessary practice for maintaining our overall well-being. Megan and Elizabeth discuss the importance of self-care and how it is not about being selfish, but rather about taking care of ourselves so that we can better take care of others.

 

They begin by acknowledging that there are many things happening in our lives, and being intentional about addressing each one is crucial. They emphasize the importance of self-awareness and knowing what we need to best take care of ourselves. This is not about being selfish, but rather about recognizing that just like a car needs gas and maintenance to run efficiently, we also need to know what will keep us running efficiently and last for as long as possible.

 

They address the notion that self-care is often seen as selfish because someone else may perceive that we are not giving them enough attention. They argue that we do not have to give others the amount of attention they want if it is not feasible for us. Instead, we need to understand our own limits and prioritize our own well-being. This does not mean neglecting others, but rather finding a balance that allows us to take care of ourselves while still being there for others.

 

Self-compassion is a key aspect of self-care. They explain that as helping professionals, it is common to put our own needs on the back burner in order to help others. However, they stress that taking care of ourselves is an act of self-compassion and is necessary for us to continue helping others effectively. They emphasize that we need to believe that we are worth taking the time to care for ourselves and that our inherent worthiness does not depend on achievements or external factors.

 

They also discuss the importance of setting boundaries and aligning our decisions with our values. They highlight the value in identifying what is truly important to us and using that as a guide for establishing boundaries and making decisions. They acknowledge that there may be situations in helping professions that stretch our boundaries, but it is crucial to bring self-compassion and self-care back into balance in other areas of our lives.

 

Listen to this episode HERE!

Ready to take the next step in your self-awareness?  Download some helpful worksheets HERE!

Exhaustion, Apathy and Compassion Fatigue

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Compassion fatigue and boundaries

 

Compassion fatigue and boundaries are closely intertwined concepts that play a significant role in the lives of individuals in helping professions and caregiving roles. Compassion fatigue refers to the emotional, physical, and spiritual exhaustion that occurs over time when individuals constantly provide care and support to others. It is a gradual lessening of compassion for both oneself and those being cared for.

 

Boundaries, on the other hand, are the limits and guidelines that individuals set to protect their emotional well-being and prevent burnout. These boundaries define the space between oneself and others, ensuring that individuals maintain a healthy balance between empathy and self-care.

 

Britt Riddle, a therapist at the Mindfulness Center, explains that compassion fatigue is often caused by a lack of boundaries or blurred boundaries. When individuals do not establish clear limits in their caregiving roles, they risk becoming emotionally overwhelmed and losing their ability to empathize effectively. This can lead to exhaustion and a decrease in the quality of care provided.

 

Setting boundaries is crucial for protecting oneself from compassion fatigue. These boundaries can be both organizational and emotional. Organizational boundaries involve factors such as client or patient caseload and organizational support. Emotional boundaries, on the other hand, pertain to how individuals provide empathy and support to others. It is essential to strike a balance between being caring and involved without taking on the emotional burden of others.

 

One aspect of emotional boundaries is distinguishing between empathy and sympathy. Empathy involves being present with someone, acknowledging their emotions, and providing support without internalizing their feelings. It is about feeling with someone rather than for them. Sympathy, on the other hand, involves taking on the emotions of others, which can lead to emotional exhaustion and blurred boundaries.

 

Maintaining healthy emotional boundaries allows individuals to be present for others without sacrificing their own well-being. It enables them to provide support and care while still preserving their own emotional resilience. By recognizing the difference between feeling with someone and feeling for someone, individuals can avoid becoming overwhelmed and maintain a healthy balance in their caregiving roles.

 

Setting boundaries for compassion fatigue

 

Boundaries serve as a means of protecting the exchange of energy between individuals. Each person has a different capacity for how much energy they can give and receive without experiencing negative consequences such as anxiety, irritability, or resentment. Recognizing these limits is crucial for preventing compassion fatigue. When caregivers start feeling upset because they have scheduled someone when they didn’t want to, or when they carry the emotions of the day home and feel resentful, it is a clear indication that their boundaries have been crossed.

 

Feelings of resentment are often a red flag that boundaries have been breached. Resentment can arise when caregivers feel overwhelmed and unable to meet their own needs or responsibilities due to excessive emotional labor. It is important for caregivers to prioritize self-care and establish boundaries that allow them to maintain their own well-being. By doing so, they can continue to provide compassionate care without becoming emotionally drained.

 

Boundaries also play a role in respecting both oneself and others. By setting boundaries, individuals recognize that they are responsible for their own well-being and that it is not their job to do the emotional work for others. This autonomy allows individuals to maintain a healthy balance between caring for others and caring for themselves. Over-functioning or under-functioning can occur when individuals feel the need to take on responsibilities that are not theirs or when they neglect their own needs in favor of helping others. Establishing boundaries helps individuals find a middle ground where they can provide support without overextending themselves.

 

Anxiety often accompanies the desire to help and fix problems for others. However, soothing this anxiety does not always require taking action or producing immediate results. Instead, individuals can find solace in being present and creating space for others to do the necessary work themselves. Trusting that others are capable of managing their own emotional realities is an important aspect of setting boundaries. By allowing others to experience their own emotions and not trying to control or fix them, caregivers can offer genuine support and compassion.

 

Setting boundaries is not only beneficial for preventing compassion fatigue but also for enhancing compassion itself. Boundaries allow individuals to have a defined time and space for compassion, which can result in deeper presence and understanding. By protecting their own well-being through boundaries, caregivers can offer more genuine and sustainable support to those they care for.

 

Boundaries are essential for relationships

 

Boundaries are essential for relationships. we discuss the importance of boundaries in managing energy exchange and maintaining integrity within relationships. We emphasize that boundaries are not meant to be rules or punishments, but rather tools that help individuals navigate their interactions with others.

 

We refer to Brene Brown’s definition of boundaries, using the acronym BIG (Boundaries, Integrity, Generous). According to Brown, boundaries are necessary for individuals to stay in their integrity and assume the best intentions of others. This highlights the idea that boundaries are not meant to isolate or separate individuals, but rather to create a framework within which relationships can thrive.

 

We also discuss how boundaries can be seen as intentions. By being intentional with their time and energy, individuals can set clear boundaries and communicate their needs effectively. This allows for a more balanced and fulfilling exchange in relationships, as both parties understand and respect each other’s boundaries.

 

Listen to this episode HERE!

Ready to take the next step in your self-awareness?  Download some helpful worksheets HERE!

 

Boundaries During the Holidays

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Setting boundaries during the holidays.

The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. However, for many people, it can also be a time of stress, overwhelm, and exhaustion. The pressure to attend events, participate in traditions, and meet societal expectations can take a toll on mental and emotional well-being. That is why it is crucial to set boundaries during the holidays.

Setting boundaries is an act of self-care. It involves recognizing and prioritizing one’s own needs, protecting mental and emotional well-being, and maintaining healthy relationships. 

One aspect is the need to differentiate between what we think we “should” do (“shoulding” all over ourselves) and what truly brings us joy. Megan mentions the internal struggle of wanting to spend time with her children but questioning whether the activities they engage in are enjoyable for the whole family. This dilemma prompts her to examine their traditions and determine which ones serve the memories and experiences they desire, and which ones they are simply going through the motions for.

By examining our traditions and questioning their purpose, we can make conscious choices about what activities to engage in during the holiday season. This allows us to prioritize the events and traditions that bring us joy and create meaningful memories, while letting go of those that do not align with our values or preferences. It is essential to remember that it is okay to let go of traditions that no longer serve us or bring us happiness. We “should” not feel obligated to continue them simply because they are expected or have been done in the past. We “could” do it how we have done it in the past, or we could do it differently. What are the “Rainbow of Options”?

Another important aspect of setting boundaries is the impact of our attitude and energy on ourselves and those around us. She emphasizes the importance of being aware of the nonverbal communication we send when we force ourselves to participate in activities we do not enjoy. When we are not fully present or enthusiastic, it affects the overall atmosphere and energy of the event. By acknowledging our true feelings and choosing not to participate in activities that do not bring us joy, we can avoid draining ourselves and zapping the energy from the room.

It is important to be honest with ourselves and others about our boundaries. It is okay to change our minds, even at the last minute, and prioritize our well-being. She encourages listeners to ask for space or time alone if needed, without feeling guilty or obligated to attend events or engage in activities that do not align with their current needs. By communicating our boundaries honestly and respectfully, we allow ourselves the freedom to prioritize self-care and create a holiday season that is more aligned with our individual needs and desires.

Setting healthy boundaries is important.

Setting healthy boundaries is important in all aspects of life, including during the holiday season. One of the main reasons why setting boundaries is crucial is to prioritize our own needs. Megan mentions that it is essential to consider our own feelings and emotions when making decisions. It is not selfish to prioritize our own happiness and well-being. By setting boundaries, we can ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and not sacrificing our own needs for the sake of others.

Communication is also a key component of setting healthy boundaries. Megan mentions the importance of being honest and open about our boundaries. By communicating our needs and limitations, we can avoid resentment and misunderstandings. It is important to own our feelings and communicate them to others, especially when it comes to parenting. By being transparent with our children about our own emotions and limitations, we can teach them the importance of setting boundaries and taking care of themselves.

Take responsibility for your choices.

Taking responsibility for our choices is an important aspect of setting boundaries. It requires acknowledging that we have control over our decisions and actions, and that we are responsible for the consequences that arise from them. Megan and Elizabeth discuss how parents need to take responsibility for the choices they make regarding their children’s activities and schedules. The encourage parents to be intentional about what they can physically do and not be afraid to say no or set limits.

They also touch on the importance of taking responsibility in relationships with parents. They mention the guilt and feelings that can arise when trying to balance the demands of visiting or calling parents. They highlight the need for open communication and assertiveness in expressing one’s limitations and boundaries. By taking responsibility for their choices, individuals can actively work towards finding a balance that works for them and their parents.

Ultimately, taking responsibility for our choices means recognizing that we have agency in our lives. It means acknowledging that we have the power to make decisions that are in our best interest and that align with our values and needs. By taking responsibility for our choices, we can create a life that is authentic and fulfilling. It allows us to prioritize our well-being and establish healthy boundaries that promote healthy relationships and self-care.

Listen to this episode HERE!

Meet Anxiety Expert, Jennifer Komis, LMFT!

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Jennifer Komis is a marriage and family therapist who specializes in anxiety and panic disorders. She is also passionate about pet-assisted therapy and works for the Humane Society. Jennifer grew up in Wisconsin and Kentucky, and she got into therapy due to her personal experiences and the influence of her therapists.

Jennifer pursued both a Master of Divinity and a Master of Family Therapy at Presbyterian Seminary. Initially, her focus was on the Master of Divinity because she wanted to work within spiritual communities to advocate for animal welfare. She quickly realized that becoming a therapist would be a more nuanced way to help people. She changed her focus to the Master of Family Therapy while maintaining the Master of Divinity to be able to speak the language of the people she would be assisting.

Jennifer’s interest in animals has always been present, and she has always had cats as pets. She is deeply passionate about pet-assisted therapy and believes in the healing power of animals. In addition to her work as a therapist, Jennifer also works for the Humane Society as a director of marketing. Through her work, she strives to ensure that animals are cared for internationally.

Jennifer’s love for animals and her belief in the power of therapy led her to combine her interests in spirituality and counseling. She is dedicated to helping individuals who may have been hurt or are struggling with deeper meaning in their lives. Jennifer’s goal is not to provide all the answers but to be a supportive presence and help her clients explore their own answers.

Slowing down reduces anxiety.

Jennifer Komis discusses her journey into the world of animal shelters and how it led her to want to make a difference. She emphasizes the need for awareness of the needs that animals in Kentucky have and the importance of mobilizing community members to help. Jennifer and her family and friends started volunteering for a local animal foundation, and they have since fostered cats, kittens, and dogs. This experience has been inspirational for Jennifer, as she has witnessed the resilience and adaptability of these animals, which has taught her a lot.

Jennifer is passionate about the topic of anxiety and panic disorders. Jennifer has written a series of blogs on anxiety and expresses her desire to communicate important information about anxiety to the general public. There is the misconception that a person’s life needs to be constantly in motion and filled with high expectations in order to be successful. Jennifer wishes to convey that there is an alternative, slower path that can lead to a better and more mindful way of living. Slowing down can actually optimize one’s functioning and diminish anxiety. This countercultural message challenges the notion that faster is always better.

Jennifer knows that slowing down allows individuals to respond rather than react in their lives, which can lead to personal growth and fulfillment. She believes that this message is valuable for her clients at The Mindfulness Center, as it helps them become their best selves in various aspects of their lives, such as their careers and family relationships. Jennifer emphasizes that faster is not always better and hopes to convey this message through her blogs.

Jennifer also touches on the importance of self-awareness and being mindful of one’s own desires and boundaries. Instead of constantly feeling the need to do things out of obligation or pressure, Jennifer encourages individuals to take a step back and evaluate whether they truly want to engage in certain activities. By doing so, individuals can gain clarity and make choices that align with their own values and preferences, reducing feelings of anxiety and overwhelm.

Rest is resistance, chronic illness.

One of the key themes that Jennifer Komis explores is the concept of rest as resistance. In a society that values productivity and constant activity, taking time to rest and recharge can be seen as a form of resistance against the pressures of capitalism. Komis argues that rest is not only necessary for our physical and mental well-being, but it is also a way to push back against societal expectations and prioritize our own needs.

Komis points out that our bodies often send us signals when we are not taking enough time to rest. Chronic headaches, stomach aches, and other psychosomatic symptoms can be a result of holding onto stress and not giving ourselves the opportunity to slow down. By paying attention to these signals and listening to our bodies, we can begin to understand what they are trying to tell us. Perhaps our body is urging us to slow down and take a break, to prioritize self-care and rest.

The idea of rest as resistance is particularly relevant in a capitalist society that values constant productivity and hustle. Komis highlights the importance of recognizing that we need periods of rest and rejuvenation in order to function at our best. Just as nature follows cycles of rest and growth, so too could we. In fall and winter, before the spring and summer of productivity, we could take the time to rest and recharge. Similarly, in a 24-hour period, we have the nighttime for sleep and rejuvenation. These natural cycles remind us that rest is an essential part of life.

As individuals reach their 40s, Komis suggests that they often experience a shift in mindset. Referred to as the “fuck it 40s,” this stage is characterized by a desire to prioritize one’s own well-being and do what is best for oneself. After years of grinding and pushing through, individuals reach a point where they realize that the current way of life is no longer working for them. This is a natural progression towards recognizing the importance of rest and self-care.

Komis also touches on the topic of chronic illness, which many individuals at The Mindfulness Center have experienced. She acknowledges that the cultural pressure to constantly be active and productive can contribute to chronic illness. By not allowing ourselves to rest and recover, we put our bodies under immense stress, which can lead to physical and mental health issues. Komis and her colleagues at The Mindfulness Center have personally dealt with chronic illness and have found healing through mindfulness and self-care practices.

Listen to this SOS Podcast Episode HERE!

Find out more about Jennifer HERE!

Tools for Your Toolbox for Stress & Anxiety: Mindfulness

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Finding Your Way Out of the Stress & Anxiety Trap with Mindfulness (Part 2)

Imagine you are walking into the ocean. The waves crash against your knees and the sand slides
between your toes. As you walk deeper into the water, you notice subtle currents pull you in different
directions, left, right, or out further. It’s hard not to drift in the direction of the current; at times, it may
even feel impossible. You glance at the shore and notice you’ve drifted quite a ways in a direction you
did not intend. Now, imagine that instead of amid the currents, you are standing on the shore looking
out at the ocean. You’re noticing how the water rolls in and out, how the currents swirl and pull and
push the water. This time, you’re just watching the currents as your feet remain firmly fixed on the sand.
You notice the sun warming your shoulders, the seagulls singing overhead, and you begin to walk down
the beach in a direction of your choosing.

You may be wondering, what in the world does the beach have to do with mindfulness? Well, it provides
a metaphor for the experience of our daily lives. We may live on autopilot and go, go, go where the
currents takes us, without pausing to decide for ourselves if we really want to go there, how we really
want to respond, or if, maybe, we would just like to rest. Mindfulness reminds us that we have the
choice to ground our feet in the steadiness of any moment, observe it and decide how we would like to
respond to it. Mindfulness suggests that when we notice the current, we step back, observe it, and
decide what’s next, instead of reacting like perhaps we always have. In short, mindfulness allows us to
awaken from the autopilot and take back control of our lives.

If you like the idea of slowing down your mind, learning to watch your thoughts and observe your body’s
sensations, and making intentional choices from that space, the mindfulness approach we specialize in
at The Mindfulness Center may be the perfect way to free yourself from the stress and anxiety trap.
Don’t worry, you don’t need a yoga studio membership, extra time in your day, or even a clear mind to
practice mindfulness. We’ll teach you how to do it in the everyday moments of your life, whether at
your desk at work or while driving a carful of kids home from school. And don’t forget to check out our
next newsletter where we’ll discuss another tool for your toolbox: the internal family systems approach
to finding your way out of the stress and anxiety trap!

Jennifer Komis, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist who helps you learn new ways of solving problems and healing. She wants you to know that hope is always available to you, however dismal life may seem. My clients describe me as authentic, down-to-earth, non-judgmental, and real.

She is currently only offering teletherapy services. Teletherapy allows us to meet conveniently face-to-face online without you needing to worry about traffic or childcare. Telehealth therapy is shown to be an effective way to address the vast majority of psychological and relational concerns. I welcome you to email me any questions you have or sign up for a free phone consultation or first telehealth session using the links.

CLICK HERE to schedule a free 10 minute consultation with Jennifer TODAY!

 

Tools for your Toolbox for Stress & Anxiety: CBT Exercises

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Finding Your Way Out of the Stress & Anxiety Trap

by Jennifer Komis, LMFT

Do you know that your body knows you are anxious before you are conscious of anxiety? Your body
reacts to stress triggers rapidly, creating a tightening in your chest, tension across your forehead, or
maybe a dry mouth or upset stomach. Because the mind and body are inextricably linked like this,
therapists can treat anxiety and stress in multiple ways: we can provide interventions to help calm the
mind AND we can collaborate with you to help calm the body. This is good news, as you have MANY
options of treatment that can help you find your way out of the stress and anxiety trap!
If you prefer to examine how your thoughts impact your behaviors, cognitive behavioral therapy may be
a good fit for you. If you like the idea of slowing down your mind, learning to watch your thoughts and
observe your body’s sensations, a mindfulness approach may be most helpful. If identifying the inner
parts of yourself that feel anxious and working to calm them sounds appealing, internal family systems
could be just your thing. And if learning breathing techniques and physical relaxation exercises floats
your boat, therapy that focuses first on the body could be perfect for you.
At the Louisville Mindfulness Center, we are well-versed in all these approaches to treating stress and
anxiety. We consider it a privilege to get to know you personally and determine which approach (or
approaches) feels like the right fit for you. In this blog series, we’ll give you a preview of these
techniques and show you how to alleviate anxiety through each approach. Today’s focus? The cognitive
behavioral approach!

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

CBT helps you uncover the core thoughts leading you to feel anxious and helps you become aware of
how those thoughts may be driving your actions. Check out an example:

 Stressful event: I got frustrated and raised my voice to my child today.
 What are the resulting thoughts that maintain my stress or anxiety? (e.g., I’m not a good mom.)
 What feelings do these thoughts lead me to have? (e.g., sadness, hopelessness, apathy)
 What behaviors do these thoughts lead me to do? (e.g., give up on tasks, crash on couch, avoid
to-do list)

CBT offers hope because it reminds us that if you change your thoughts, you change your actions! So, in
therapy, we work on reframing the core thoughts that are keeping you stuck and replacing them with
thoughts that bring you more freedom and the actions you desire. For example:

 Old thought: I’m not a good mom.
 New thought: I’m normal because most (if not all) parents struggle with frustration with their
children. I shouldn’t beat myself up. I also did a lot of things well today as a parent.
 New feelings: accepted, calm, motivated
 New behaviors: takes a break for self-care and reflection, calls friend to process stress, moves on
with the day’s tasks

Your turn! What’s a reoccurring thought that may be keeping you stuck? Can you challenge it? Think
about it another way? Give it a try and see how changing your thoughts can cause a positive ripple effect
throughout your day. Then, check out our next newsletter where we’ll discuss another tool for your
toolbox: the mindfulness approach to finding your way out of the stress and anxiety trap!

Jennifer Komis, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist who helps you learn new ways of solving problems and healing. She wants you to know that hope is always available to you, however dismal life may seem. My clients describe me as authentic, down-to-earth, non-judgmental, and real.

She is currently only offering teletherapy services. Teletherapy allows us to meet conveniently face-to-face online without you needing to worry about traffic or childcare. Telehealth therapy is shown to be an effective way to address the vast majority of psychological and relational concerns. I welcome you to email me any questions you have or sign up for a free phone consultation or first telehealth session using the links.

CLICK HERE to schedule a free 10 minute consultation with Jennifer TODAY!

 

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