Do I Stay or Do I Go?

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In general, relationships are tough, even for those who’ve been married, friends, or coworkers for years.

How do we recognize when a relationship is good for us or when a relationship isn’t good for us? Often, the lines are fuzzier than we’d like, black and white don’t apply, and we live in a foggy grey, feeling stuck. Sometimes happy. Sometimes frustrated. Almost always anxious. 

So much of this is normal. The images portrayed to us in movies or books present relationships, especially romantic relationships, and decisions that look easy. “The one” is always obvious. Friends are always funny and supportive. Sex is always amazing. Conversations over tough topics are nonexistent or minimal. So, when we encounter a real relationship and it doesn’t look like that, we really aren’t sure what to make of it, or how to assess if it’s “good” or not. Whether it’s a friend, coworker, or spouse, the proverbial question becomes, “do I stay or do I go?” 

Jennifer, Komis, Mindfulness, CenterAs a therapist, I specialize in helping people flourish, whether that means leaving a toxic relationship of some sort or working to improve a relationship in their life that’s worth it. I work with individuals who aren’t sure what they want and help them determine what’s a right choice for them, not THE right choice, as right choices are almost always multiple.

So, we talk about boundaries, feeling safe, communication, fears, hopes, and how in the world we might honor all of those things in the decisions we make for ourselves. We talk about how the messages we experience growing up sometimes influence how we see people or relationships now. We discuss how to choose what to do in our relationships, as opposed to living a life on autopilot that feels consistently unfulfilling. We make all the space we need to calmly tackle the hard questions about what the next steps might look like in workplaces, marriages, and friendships.

In short, I partner with you as you build a future you can be excited about and that nourishes you, mind, body, and spirit.

If this sounds interesting to you and you’d like to explore working with me, please feel free to schedule a free 10-minute phone consultation or first appointment with me HERE. I look forward to chatting with you!

Setting Boundaries = Regain Your Time and Energy

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Many of us put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be our best, most helpful, kind, and caring selves. People like us. They want to spend time with us. What a wonderful feeling! Yet sometimes we may just want and NEED time to ourselves.

When we let our boundaries slide or we feel guilty for saying no, we start to feel burnt out, exhausted, or even apathetic. Question: Are you ready to feel less stressed and anxious? Have you tried things in the past that have worked but need a refresher? Or does it feel like you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work?

Our new self-paced, online courses are a wonderful way to learn and set boundaries that WORK! After twenty-plus years of refining our techniques, we are making our methods more accessible to more people so anybody can live their most optimal life.

Let’s face it, none of us need more to DO. So what if we could THINK a bit differently and that could make all the difference? Our courses help you see new perspectives and shift your thinking just enough that you are able to begin to rewire your brain. Sign. Me. Up!

Here are some questions to ask yourself if it’s time to refresh your skills and abilities on setting excellent boundaries and “The Art of Saying No”:

  • Are you needing to refocus your time and attention less on others and more on yourself?
  • Do you get pulled into helping others when you wish you could say “No”?
  • Do you feel guilty when others need help and you can’t or don’t want to help?
  • Are others encouraging you to set boundaries and reduce the amount you offer your time to others?
  • Are you ready to reclaim your time, your energy, and perhaps even your identity?
  • Are you ready to FEEL MORE ALIVE and excited about life?

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, we have a tried and true solution for you.

Ultimately, we want you to feel lighter, freer, and more empowered.  Let us show you how!

CLICK HERE to find out more about our affordable self-paced online course options. 

 

couples playbook

The Couples Playbook

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Written by Rob Giltner, MAMFT

The process of self-soothing is extremely important.

  • When an individual feels flooded (emotionally overwhelmed) she/he may begin to have over 90bpm and it makes it very difficult to listen to understand, offer empathy, and dialogue. This may then result in stonewalling, criticism, and defensiveness.
  • Antidote to flooding is self-soothing. Being aware that you are flooded and that your partner might be flooded is the first step to avoid causing damage in a relationship.
    • What triggers you and your partner to feel flooded?
    • What ways does your partner soothe?
    • What is something your partner does that soothes you?
  • Couples who soothe are extremely more likely to come back to the argument and discuss the problem in a rational and gentle way leading to a solution.
    • Steps to manage flooding:
      • Being mindful
      • Pause
      • Soothe
      • Ask for a Break (not avoidance)
      • Come back to the problem

The act of accepting bids.

  • Couples have small moments throughout the day that build up and can “make or break” a relationship.
  • Bids are bids for connection.
    • Ex. Come sit with me while I read.
    • Do you love me?
    • Is it cold in here?
    • What do you think of this outift?
    • Look at this meme.
    • That cooking class looks fun.
    • I am so tired.
    • Did you see that?
    • I am fine.
  • Couples need to accept influence to accept the bid.
    • Accepting, understanding, and allowing your partners perspective, feelings, and needs into your decision-making process as a couple.
    • Find the emotion in the bid and turn towards.
  • Managing failed bids.
  • Couples must repair after failed bids because small moments can create lasting scars. Ex. A partner might be feeling lately that her partner is annoyed or frustrated towards her. She offers a bid to connect to feel valued. If her partner is not aware of the bid it has failed and she may be left feeling rejected and not important and that feeling can grow.
    • The Script to repair after failed bids:
      • Understand your partners subject reality. (Both partners have their own subject reality)
      • Communicate your understanding, make meaning of it.
      • Admit some role.
      • Offer empathy.
    • Ask follow up questions:
      • How have I/we been expressing needs for loneliness?
      • How have I/we been expressing needs to be alone?
      • Is there a better way I/we can express needs?
      • Is there a conversation we need to have but have not?
  • Understand the triggers
    • Events related to influence.
    • Events related to acceptance.
    • Events related to affection.
  • Triggers that go unnoticed can grow into emotional wounds that can corrupt relationships.
  • Find the “seeds” (dreams within conflict) to heal wounds.

Introducing Our Weekly Mindfulness and Stress Management Group!

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Weekly Mindfulness and Stress Management Group

Tuesdays, 5:30-6:30pm

We are excited to announce our Mindfulness and Stress Management Group starting 9/19/17 and continuing weekly every Tuesday.  The group meets at 5:30pm for one hour.

The group provides a relaxing and supportive atmosphere for you to develop skills to manage stress effectively and build positive relationships.  While the group will involve the teaching and practicing of mindfulness skills, there will also be opportunity for participants to process current stresses and receive feedback and support from others.

You are free to join the group on any week and participate for as long as you like; however, we encourage some consistency to give you the opportunity to get to know other people involved in the group and gain some momentum with your stress management.

We have limited spots available, so please make sure to sign up ahead of time through the scheduling section of our website.  The cost per session is $25.  Stewart Morgan, Marriage and Family Therapist Associate is facilitating the group.  If you have any questions, feel free to send him an email at LouisvilleMindfulnessCenter@gmail.com.

marriage counseling quiz

Do I Need Marriage Counseling Quiz

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When is it time to get Marriage Therapy?

do I need marriage counseling quiz by louisville marriage therapist Megan Bayles Bartley

  1. Are you and your spouse stuck in a pattern of thinking, feeling, or behaving that aren’t working for one or both of you?
  2. Do you find there is a fair amount of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and/or stonewalling that makes being around each other pretty unbearable?
  3. When there are arguments or mean things said, one or the both of you have a hard time taking responsibility of your words and actions or saying you’re sorry and being remorseful.
  4. Is there an issue or two that you have in your marriage that just keeps coming up over and over again?
  5. Your spouse says he/she won’t go to marriage therapy or doesn’t think your relationship needs it.

If you are experiencing one or more of these five situations, it is time to schedule an appointment with an certified marriage therapist.

Whether you come together as a couple or you come on your own, you will benefit from working through this difficult time. It won’t always feel great, but you likely begin to feel a relief that you have been wanting.

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