Imagine if, in the midst of our heaviest moments, we were able to feel the lightness of being.

This elephant isn’t over thinking the moment, worried if she’s going to be safe in the water or how she will get dry again. She just jumps right in and trusts all will be ok. And look how much fun she’s having. I bet that water feels so refreshing!

What if we were to experience life this way? Instead of worrying about the situation and thinking 10 steps ahead we trust that all will be ok. Hey, we may even enjoy ourselves!​

Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration for One Another – Something brought you together initially.  Can you remember what it was?  Be in that memory for a few moments. Doesn’t it feel good to remember that excitement and newness? Marriage has a lot of ups and downs but the more you can focus on the positives and weather the down times well, you’ll be in good shape.

Fondness and Admiration are antidotes for Contempt (remember those Four Horsemen?!). When you start to get sarcastic, cynical, roll your eyes, use hostile humor, or feel an aggressive (or passive-aggressive) anger you are using Contempt. Notice this and let it go.  Don’t judge it or get angry at yourself for falling into it (again?!).  Just move on and focus on the things you admire about your partner and your relationship together.

Focus on those things in your relationship that FEEL GOOD!

The last few weeks we’ve focused on some predictors of divorce that Drs. John and Julie Gottman have diligently researched over the last 20 years. Whether separate, or together, the presence of The Four Horsemen, Harsh Startups, and Failed Repair Attempts can predict divorce 82 – 90+% of the time.  I have a theory about why these are such predominant factors in predicting divorce.

70 % of what we communicate is Non-Verbal Communication. Seventy Percent. 70!  Seventy percent of the time HOW we say something is more important that WHAT we say.  The tone and volume of our voices, our facial expressions, rolling of the eyes, smirking of the lips, body postures, hand gestures… These all communicate way more than our words.  In fact, we can remain silent and our body language can speak volumes alone.

I like to use babies as an example.  Before they are even able to speak words they communicate to us all day long.  They cry, they whine, they laugh, they grunt, they look away, they look in our eyes, they wiggle, they grab, they smile… and we understand (or learn to) what they are “saying.”

Oftentimes in our marriage, and other close relationships, we use non-verbal communication subconsciously to communicate things that might be too vulnerable to say out loud. An eye roll and arms crossed in front of our chest might communicate that we are hurt by something the other did or said and we are trying to protect ourselves from not getting hurt again.

So what if instead we maintain gentle eye contact, put our arms to our side and softly say, “I love you and I don’t like the way I talk to you.  I feel hurt. I don’t know what to do with this hurt that I feel and it has been coming out in my eye rolling and arms folded across my body.”  Whoa!  That might get someone’s attention!  Keep in mind that starting something new – a new behavior, a new way of communicating, etc. – can be difficult at first and takes some getting used to (for the sender and the receiver) but if you are consistent for at least a month, it will start to get easier.

So the next time you are in a conversation with your loved one, notice your non-verbal communication. Ask yourself, “What am I really trying to communicate? Is it working?  How might I communicate it differently?”​

I recently had the opportunity to talk with some veteran officers of the Louisville Metro Police Department.  One of the things we talked about were predictors of divorce.

Drs. John & Julie Gottman  have done some fantastic research on this topic.  They have named the major predictors of divorce, “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

Criticism – adding negative words about your partner’s character to a complaint implying, “What’s wrong with you?!”

Contempt – sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor

Defensiveness – blaming your partner conveying the message, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”

Stonewalling – a harsh start to a conversation with criticism and contempt leading to defensiveness, leading to more contempt and defensiveness until one partner tunes out

All relationships have these four elements from time to time but the important piece is how well your repair attempts go when these things pop up. Failed repair attempts are another predictor of divorce (look for more about failed repair attempts in upcoming posts…). With just the presence of these things on a consistent, long-term basis, Gottman’s research shows an 82% prediction of divorce. When you add failed repair attempts, that number climbs.​