boundaries

The Link Between Boundaries & Resentment

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Resentment stems from unclear boundaries

 

The women begin by acknowledging that the word “resentment” has been mentioned multiple times in their discussions on boundaries. They suggest that boundaries act as a way to define what individuals are capable of and how they interact with others. Without clear boundaries, resentment can creep in.

 

The responsibility of setting and maintaining boundaries falls on individuals. They emphasize the importance of self-awareness and taking the time to consider one’s own feelings and agreements in any given situation. They use the example of couples therapy and the challenges that arise during the holiday season when there are numerous commitments and parties to attend. Many individuals struggle to express their limits and preferences, often opting to go along with their partner’s desires to avoid conflict. This can lead to resentment building up over time.

 

The hosts also discuss the difficulty of expressing boundaries without hurting others’ feelings or causing discomfort. They mention their own family’s humorous excuse of using “diarrhea” as a last-minute get-out-of-a-situation card. However, they stress the need for a more genuine and respectful approach to setting boundaries.

 

The conversation then shifts to the concept of exchange balance when it comes to boundaries. Individuals need to consider whether engaging in certain activities or commitments will give them something in return, whether it be energy, time, money, or other resources. They acknowledge that sometimes people do things without expecting anything in return, but it is crucial to maintain a balance and not consistently give without receiving.

 

Empowerment through setting boundaries

 

Setting boundaries is an essential aspect of empowerment. The women emphasize how women are often socialized to prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own. This lack of empowerment to voice their own needs can lead to feelings of resentment and being taken for granted. However, they highlight the importance of unlearning these societal expectations and empowering oneself by setting boundaries.

 

They discuss how they model boundary-setting for their children. By setting good boundaries with their kids, they are teaching them the importance of having a voice and being receptive to hearing others’ voices. This empowers their children to assert their own needs and desires, creating a more balanced and respectful dynamic.

 

The women also touch on the socialization of women to overemphasize empathy. While empathy is important, it “should” (shoulding!) not come at the expense of setting boundaries. Balancing empathy with boundaries is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and self-care. The women suggest that having empathy for oneself is equally important as having empathy for others. It encourages individuals to prioritize their own well-being by checking in with themselves and determining if a particular request aligns with their own needs and desires.

 

Embrace and communicate your boundaries

 

The women emphasize the importance of embracing and communicating personal boundaries. They begin by discussing the creation of a supportive environment and the need to surround oneself with understanding friends and individuals who respect one’s boundaries. They share their own experience as an introvert and how they have cultivated friendships with people who understand and accept their need for solitude.

 

CLICK HERE to listen to this episode! Season 3, Episode 5 (Part 2)

marriage counseling quiz, resentment, unmet needs, unmet expectations

Resentment & Unmet Needs

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Resentment is built over time

 

Resentment is a complex emotion that is built over time. Therapists Megan Bayles Bartley, Elizabeth McCormack, and Britt Riddle delve into the concept of resentment and its connection to boundaries in relationships. They discuss how resentment is not an immediate reaction but rather a culmination of smaller emotions and unmet needs.

 

They begin by acknowledging that resentment is often preceded by feelings of irritability and annoyance. These initial emotions serve as warning signs that something is amiss in a relationship. They explain resentment arises when individuals feel anger, frustration, and a sense of unfairness or injustice without having a voice that feels heard. It is the result of ongoing experiences where one’s needs and boundaries are repeatedly disregarded or overlooked.

 

They provide relatable examples of how resentment can manifest in different areas of life, such as work, romantic partnerships, and parenting. They emphasize the importance of having a voice and feeling heard in order to prevent resentment from building up. When individuals repeatedly express their discomfort or dissatisfaction but are not listened to or respected, resentment grows.

 

Resentment is likened to a fabric that experiences tiny tears and pulls over time. These small infractions and unaddressed discomforts accumulate, eventually leading to a hole in the fabric of the relationship. They highlight the significance of paying attention to these early signs of discomfort and frustration, as they can escalate into anger and resentment if left unaddressed.

 

They also discuss the internal conflict that often accompanies resentment. Individuals may not only feel resentful towards others but also towards themselves. They may blame themselves for overcommitting, allowing mistreatment, or staying in a relationship that doesn’t feel healthy. This internal resentment further adds to the weight and heaviness of the emotion.

 

In terms of physical sensations, they describe resentment as a heaviness that lingers and follows individuals wherever they go. It is an emotional burden that affects both the mind and body. They compare resentment to bricks being mortared together to form a solid, heavy structure. Each individual brick represents a specific incident or unmet need, and as these bricks accumulate, resentment becomes more entrenched and difficult to dismantle.

 

Resentment stems from unmet needs

 

They acknowledge that resentment is not a one-time occurrence but rather a result of ongoing frustrations and unaddressed emotions. The importance of paying attention to what is happening in relationships and recognizing one’s own sense of power and control. When individuals feel powerless and lacking control, they may let things slide or become avoidant, which can contribute to the buildup of resentment.

 

Avoidance is identified as a significant red flag that indicates a failure to fully utilize one’s energy. They suggest that saying yes to everything can prevent others from having the opportunity to contribute and fulfill their own needs. It encourages individuals to examine their actions and determine what truly brings them fulfillment and what drains their energy. By doing so, they can identify areas where they may need to say no and set boundaries to prevent resentment from accumulating.

 

Be present and avoid resentment

 

The episode begins by discussing the importance of being present and paying attention to one’s actions and choices. The women share a personal anecdote about sitting down to read a new novel instead of engaging in other tasks that could be done. Despite the long list of things to do, they acknowledge the need to prioritize self-care and enjoy the present moment. This decision is made in anticipation of upcoming time off during the holidays.

 

They highlight the importance of being aware of one’s own feelings and potential resentments. They mention how they would feel resentful if they were to spend another hour making holiday peanut butter fudge. Instead, they choose to be present and engage in an activity that brings them joy. This decision is made consciously to avoid building resentment.

 

The conversation then shifts to the age factor and how it impacts the ability to prioritize oneself. The women acknowledge that as they get closer to 50, they have gained wisdom and understanding about the importance of self-care. They reflect on how they would have approached things differently 10 years ago, emphasizing the need for self-compassion for those who are still learning to prioritize themselves.

 

Boundaries empower self-worth and growth

 

The hosts discuss the importance of finding self-worth within oneself rather than seeking external validation. They highlight the societal pressure for women to prioritize serving others and how this can lead to neglecting one’s own needs and desires. It is emphasized that in order to effectively serve others, individuals must first believe that they are worthy of taking care of themselves.

 

The concept of boundaries is then introduced as a means of empowering self-worth and growth. The hosts discuss the fear of confrontation and the difficulty in standing up for oneself. They provide an example of setting boundaries around conversations and the importance of asking for what one needs. By clearly expressing their boundaries, individuals can avoid resentment and maintain healthy relationships.

 

They highlight the significance of consent in setting boundaries. By using the word “consent,” individuals can assert their right to choose when and how they engage in certain conversations or activities. This empowers individuals to prioritize their own well-being and communicate their needs effectively.

 

Listen to this Episode of the Shifting Our Shit Podcast HERE!

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Help! I have Compassion Fatigue! Now What?!

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Types of rest for self-care

 

Self-care has become a popular topic in recent years, with many people recognizing the importance of taking care of themselves in order to maintain their overall well-being. One aspect of self-care that is often overlooked is rest. Rest is not just about getting enough sleep or taking a vacation, but it encompasses various types of rest that are necessary for our physical, mental, and emotional health.

 

The first type of rest is physical rest. This is what most people think of when they hear the word rest – taking a nap or lying in bed. However, physical rest can also include activities such as yoga or light stretching, which allow our bodies to relax and recharge. Physical rest is essential for repairing and rejuvenating our muscles, as well as reducing physical fatigue.

 

Another type of rest is mental rest. This type of rest is crucial for those who have taxing mental jobs or find themselves constantly engaged in mentally challenging tasks. Mental rest can involve activities that allow our minds to take a break from thinking and problem-solving, such as engaging in a hobby or spending time in nature. It is important to give our minds the opportunity to recharge and replenish their cognitive resources.

 

Sensory rest is another type of rest that is often overlooked. In today’s fast-paced and overstimulating world, our senses are constantly bombarded with information and stimuli. Taking time to rest our senses can involve finding a quiet and peaceful environment, away from noise and distractions. It can also involve engaging in activities that are soothing to our senses, such as listening to calming music or taking a relaxing bath. Sensory rest allows us to reset and recharge our senses, promoting a sense of calm and well-being.

 

Being creative is also a form of rest. Engaging in creative activities allows us to express ourselves and tap into our inner creativity. Whether it’s cooking, crafting, or engaging in artistic endeavors, being creative provides a sense of fulfillment and rejuvenation. It allows us to focus on the present moment and channel our energy into something that brings us joy.

 

Emotional rest is essential for our mental and emotional well-being. It involves taking the time to process and express our emotions in a safe and supportive environment. This can be achieved through talking to a trusted friend or therapist, journaling, or engaging in activities that promote emotional well-being, such as meditation or mindfulness practices. Emotional rest allows us to release pent-up emotions and find a sense of inner peace.

 

Social rest is another important aspect of self-care. It involves connecting with others and nurturing our relationships. Spending time with loved ones, having meaningful conversations, or simply enjoying the company of others can be incredibly rejuvenating. Social rest allows us to feel supported, understood, and valued, which contributes to our overall well-being.

 

Finally, spiritual rest involves connecting with something larger than ourselves. This can involve engaging in religious or spiritual practices, spending time in nature, or reflecting on our values and beliefs. Spiritual rest provides a sense of purpose and meaning, and allows us to find solace and peace in our lives.

 

Self-care is not selfish

 

Self-care is not selfish. This is a statement that is often misunderstood or dismissed. Many people view self-care as a luxury or a self-indulgent act, but in reality, it is a necessary practice for maintaining our overall well-being. Megan and Elizabeth discuss the importance of self-care and how it is not about being selfish, but rather about taking care of ourselves so that we can better take care of others.

 

They begin by acknowledging that there are many things happening in our lives, and being intentional about addressing each one is crucial. They emphasize the importance of self-awareness and knowing what we need to best take care of ourselves. This is not about being selfish, but rather about recognizing that just like a car needs gas and maintenance to run efficiently, we also need to know what will keep us running efficiently and last for as long as possible.

 

They address the notion that self-care is often seen as selfish because someone else may perceive that we are not giving them enough attention. They argue that we do not have to give others the amount of attention they want if it is not feasible for us. Instead, we need to understand our own limits and prioritize our own well-being. This does not mean neglecting others, but rather finding a balance that allows us to take care of ourselves while still being there for others.

 

Self-compassion is a key aspect of self-care. They explain that as helping professionals, it is common to put our own needs on the back burner in order to help others. However, they stress that taking care of ourselves is an act of self-compassion and is necessary for us to continue helping others effectively. They emphasize that we need to believe that we are worth taking the time to care for ourselves and that our inherent worthiness does not depend on achievements or external factors.

 

They also discuss the importance of setting boundaries and aligning our decisions with our values. They highlight the value in identifying what is truly important to us and using that as a guide for establishing boundaries and making decisions. They acknowledge that there may be situations in helping professions that stretch our boundaries, but it is crucial to bring self-compassion and self-care back into balance in other areas of our lives.

 

Listen to this episode HERE!

Ready to take the next step in your self-awareness?  Download some helpful worksheets HERE!

Exhaustion, Apathy and Compassion Fatigue

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Compassion fatigue and boundaries

 

Compassion fatigue and boundaries are closely intertwined concepts that play a significant role in the lives of individuals in helping professions and caregiving roles. Compassion fatigue refers to the emotional, physical, and spiritual exhaustion that occurs over time when individuals constantly provide care and support to others. It is a gradual lessening of compassion for both oneself and those being cared for.

 

Boundaries, on the other hand, are the limits and guidelines that individuals set to protect their emotional well-being and prevent burnout. These boundaries define the space between oneself and others, ensuring that individuals maintain a healthy balance between empathy and self-care.

 

Britt Riddle, a therapist at the Mindfulness Center, explains that compassion fatigue is often caused by a lack of boundaries or blurred boundaries. When individuals do not establish clear limits in their caregiving roles, they risk becoming emotionally overwhelmed and losing their ability to empathize effectively. This can lead to exhaustion and a decrease in the quality of care provided.

 

Setting boundaries is crucial for protecting oneself from compassion fatigue. These boundaries can be both organizational and emotional. Organizational boundaries involve factors such as client or patient caseload and organizational support. Emotional boundaries, on the other hand, pertain to how individuals provide empathy and support to others. It is essential to strike a balance between being caring and involved without taking on the emotional burden of others.

 

One aspect of emotional boundaries is distinguishing between empathy and sympathy. Empathy involves being present with someone, acknowledging their emotions, and providing support without internalizing their feelings. It is about feeling with someone rather than for them. Sympathy, on the other hand, involves taking on the emotions of others, which can lead to emotional exhaustion and blurred boundaries.

 

Maintaining healthy emotional boundaries allows individuals to be present for others without sacrificing their own well-being. It enables them to provide support and care while still preserving their own emotional resilience. By recognizing the difference between feeling with someone and feeling for someone, individuals can avoid becoming overwhelmed and maintain a healthy balance in their caregiving roles.

 

Setting boundaries for compassion fatigue

 

Boundaries serve as a means of protecting the exchange of energy between individuals. Each person has a different capacity for how much energy they can give and receive without experiencing negative consequences such as anxiety, irritability, or resentment. Recognizing these limits is crucial for preventing compassion fatigue. When caregivers start feeling upset because they have scheduled someone when they didn’t want to, or when they carry the emotions of the day home and feel resentful, it is a clear indication that their boundaries have been crossed.

 

Feelings of resentment are often a red flag that boundaries have been breached. Resentment can arise when caregivers feel overwhelmed and unable to meet their own needs or responsibilities due to excessive emotional labor. It is important for caregivers to prioritize self-care and establish boundaries that allow them to maintain their own well-being. By doing so, they can continue to provide compassionate care without becoming emotionally drained.

 

Boundaries also play a role in respecting both oneself and others. By setting boundaries, individuals recognize that they are responsible for their own well-being and that it is not their job to do the emotional work for others. This autonomy allows individuals to maintain a healthy balance between caring for others and caring for themselves. Over-functioning or under-functioning can occur when individuals feel the need to take on responsibilities that are not theirs or when they neglect their own needs in favor of helping others. Establishing boundaries helps individuals find a middle ground where they can provide support without overextending themselves.

 

Anxiety often accompanies the desire to help and fix problems for others. However, soothing this anxiety does not always require taking action or producing immediate results. Instead, individuals can find solace in being present and creating space for others to do the necessary work themselves. Trusting that others are capable of managing their own emotional realities is an important aspect of setting boundaries. By allowing others to experience their own emotions and not trying to control or fix them, caregivers can offer genuine support and compassion.

 

Setting boundaries is not only beneficial for preventing compassion fatigue but also for enhancing compassion itself. Boundaries allow individuals to have a defined time and space for compassion, which can result in deeper presence and understanding. By protecting their own well-being through boundaries, caregivers can offer more genuine and sustainable support to those they care for.

 

Boundaries are essential for relationships

 

Boundaries are essential for relationships. we discuss the importance of boundaries in managing energy exchange and maintaining integrity within relationships. We emphasize that boundaries are not meant to be rules or punishments, but rather tools that help individuals navigate their interactions with others.

 

We refer to Brene Brown’s definition of boundaries, using the acronym BIG (Boundaries, Integrity, Generous). According to Brown, boundaries are necessary for individuals to stay in their integrity and assume the best intentions of others. This highlights the idea that boundaries are not meant to isolate or separate individuals, but rather to create a framework within which relationships can thrive.

 

We also discuss how boundaries can be seen as intentions. By being intentional with their time and energy, individuals can set clear boundaries and communicate their needs effectively. This allows for a more balanced and fulfilling exchange in relationships, as both parties understand and respect each other’s boundaries.

 

Listen to this episode HERE!

Ready to take the next step in your self-awareness?  Download some helpful worksheets HERE!

 

Boundaries: Being Honest With Yourself & Others

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Setting healthy boundaries is important.

Setting healthy boundaries is important for our overall well-being and happiness. It allows us to take control of our lives, prioritize our needs, and maintain healthy relationships with others. Without healthy boundaries, we may find ourselves feeling overwhelmed, resentful, and unfulfilled.

Megan and Elizabeth discuss the significance of identifying and addressing unhealthy boundaries. They acknowledge that it is normal to reassess what is working for us and what is not, especially during midlife. They emphasize the importance of reclaiming our time, energy, and joy in order to make the most out of the second half of our lives.

Unhealthy boundaries can manifest in various aspects of our lives, including our relationships with others and our own personal choices. Megan highlights the need to recognize when we are participating in or being affected by someone else’s unhealthy boundaries. This could involve feeling guilted into doing something or being pressured to engage in activities that do not align with our preferences or values.

To address unhealthy boundaries, they suggest first identifying where we are getting hooked in. This involves reflecting on our own boundaries and determining whether a boundary violation is occurring. It is essential to trust ourselves and feel comfortable saying no when something does not align with our needs or desires. They encourage listeners to appreciate the person asking but firmly assert their boundaries.

One challenge in setting healthy boundaries is the fear of how others will react. We may worry about hurting someone’s feelings or damaging a relationship. However, Megan and Elizabeth emphasize the importance of trusting ourselves and allowing others to take care of themselves. It is not our responsibility to constantly please others at the expense of our own well-being.

 

Take care of yourself first.

They emphasize the importance of taking care of oneself first. Megan highlights how divorce or separation can serve as an eye-opener for individuals, prompting them to reevaluate their lives and make necessary changes. The conversation delves into the idea that stabilizing one’s own life may not necessarily lead to a stable relationship, as it also requires open communication and speaking one’s truth.

She also explores the concept of emotional dependency and attachment in relationships. She discusses how individuals may reach a point, often referred to as the “fuck it forties,” where they no longer want to be the stabilizing force in their family. This realization signifies a need for change and a desire for a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Throughout our lives, we experience significant changes every seven years. These changes can range from career shifts to becoming parents, and even personal health transformations. It is essential to recognize these shifts and reassess our boundaries and relationships accordingly. Megan emphasizes the importance of investing in oneself and allowing others to adjust to these changes.

The conversation also touches on the idea that taking care of oneself is not selfish but rather an act of self-care. It can inspire others to take action and prioritize their own well-being. By setting an example and demonstrating self-care, individuals can inspire their loved ones to do the same.

Develop independence, prioritize self-care.

Megan begins by discussing the importance of developing independence in children. She acknowledges their desire to care for and provide for their children but also recognizes that constantly doing things for them can hinder their growth and independence. She mentions that allowing children to make their own meals and take care of themselves is a reasonable skill for a 14-year-old. By doing everything for their children, they inadvertently create a codependent relationship where the child becomes reliant on them for everything.

 

Megan and Elizabeth then shift the focus to women in their forties who have lost themselves in the process of caring for others. They explain that some women never fully develop their own identity because they transition directly from their parents’ home into a relationship where they continue to meet the needs of others. As a result, they reach a point where they don’t even know what they want or what is healthy for them. This lack of self-awareness and self-care can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment.

To address this issue, they teach teenage girls the importance of showing up in a relationship and expressing their opinions. They use the example of choosing a restaurant for a date. Initially, the girls may say they don’t mind where they go because they want to be liked. However, if they never assert their preferences, they may become resentful that their partner never asks for their input. By not choosing, they are indirectly choosing to prioritize the other person’s needs over their own.

They emphasize that showing up as oneself and having preferences is an essential part of healthy relationships. They encourage individuals to express their likes and dislikes, whether it’s about food or any other aspect of life. By doing so, they are asserting their personality and communicating who they are to others. It is important to have an opinion and not always defer to others’ choices.

Honesty is difficult but important.

Megan and Elizabeth highlight the difficulty of being honest but also emphasize its importance in relationships. They acknowledge that while it is possible to force oneself to do something, it is more meaningful to make a conscious choice to be honest. This choice requires vulnerability and the willingness to let go of the need to control how others perceive us.

Being honest is not always easy. It requires stepping out of one’s comfort zone and facing potential judgment or rejection. They recognize that society often downplays the challenges of honesty and the fear of being judged. However, they stress the significance of addressing this difficulty and acknowledging the courage it takes to be honest.

 

Listen to Part 2 of Episode 4 from Season 3 HERE!

Boundaries During the Holidays

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Setting boundaries during the holidays.

The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. However, for many people, it can also be a time of stress, overwhelm, and exhaustion. The pressure to attend events, participate in traditions, and meet societal expectations can take a toll on mental and emotional well-being. That is why it is crucial to set boundaries during the holidays.

Setting boundaries is an act of self-care. It involves recognizing and prioritizing one’s own needs, protecting mental and emotional well-being, and maintaining healthy relationships. 

One aspect is the need to differentiate between what we think we “should” do (“shoulding” all over ourselves) and what truly brings us joy. Megan mentions the internal struggle of wanting to spend time with her children but questioning whether the activities they engage in are enjoyable for the whole family. This dilemma prompts her to examine their traditions and determine which ones serve the memories and experiences they desire, and which ones they are simply going through the motions for.

By examining our traditions and questioning their purpose, we can make conscious choices about what activities to engage in during the holiday season. This allows us to prioritize the events and traditions that bring us joy and create meaningful memories, while letting go of those that do not align with our values or preferences. It is essential to remember that it is okay to let go of traditions that no longer serve us or bring us happiness. We “should” not feel obligated to continue them simply because they are expected or have been done in the past. We “could” do it how we have done it in the past, or we could do it differently. What are the “Rainbow of Options”?

Another important aspect of setting boundaries is the impact of our attitude and energy on ourselves and those around us. She emphasizes the importance of being aware of the nonverbal communication we send when we force ourselves to participate in activities we do not enjoy. When we are not fully present or enthusiastic, it affects the overall atmosphere and energy of the event. By acknowledging our true feelings and choosing not to participate in activities that do not bring us joy, we can avoid draining ourselves and zapping the energy from the room.

It is important to be honest with ourselves and others about our boundaries. It is okay to change our minds, even at the last minute, and prioritize our well-being. She encourages listeners to ask for space or time alone if needed, without feeling guilty or obligated to attend events or engage in activities that do not align with their current needs. By communicating our boundaries honestly and respectfully, we allow ourselves the freedom to prioritize self-care and create a holiday season that is more aligned with our individual needs and desires.

Setting healthy boundaries is important.

Setting healthy boundaries is important in all aspects of life, including during the holiday season. One of the main reasons why setting boundaries is crucial is to prioritize our own needs. Megan mentions that it is essential to consider our own feelings and emotions when making decisions. It is not selfish to prioritize our own happiness and well-being. By setting boundaries, we can ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and not sacrificing our own needs for the sake of others.

Communication is also a key component of setting healthy boundaries. Megan mentions the importance of being honest and open about our boundaries. By communicating our needs and limitations, we can avoid resentment and misunderstandings. It is important to own our feelings and communicate them to others, especially when it comes to parenting. By being transparent with our children about our own emotions and limitations, we can teach them the importance of setting boundaries and taking care of themselves.

Take responsibility for your choices.

Taking responsibility for our choices is an important aspect of setting boundaries. It requires acknowledging that we have control over our decisions and actions, and that we are responsible for the consequences that arise from them. Megan and Elizabeth discuss how parents need to take responsibility for the choices they make regarding their children’s activities and schedules. The encourage parents to be intentional about what they can physically do and not be afraid to say no or set limits.

They also touch on the importance of taking responsibility in relationships with parents. They mention the guilt and feelings that can arise when trying to balance the demands of visiting or calling parents. They highlight the need for open communication and assertiveness in expressing one’s limitations and boundaries. By taking responsibility for their choices, individuals can actively work towards finding a balance that works for them and their parents.

Ultimately, taking responsibility for our choices means recognizing that we have agency in our lives. It means acknowledging that we have the power to make decisions that are in our best interest and that align with our values and needs. By taking responsibility for our choices, we can create a life that is authentic and fulfilling. It allows us to prioritize our well-being and establish healthy boundaries that promote healthy relationships and self-care.

Listen to this episode HERE!

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Emotional Tornadoes

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Manage expectations, choose your response

Managing expectations and choosing our responses are crucial aspects of maintaining healthy boundaries and self-awareness. Megan discusses the importance of knowing what we need and understanding our expectations in various situations.

She begins by using the example of driving on the freeway to illustrate how expectations can lead to emotional activation. When someone cuts us off while driving, we have an expectation that people should drive safely. However, when our expectations aren’t met, we may become angry or frustrated. She emphasizes that having expectations is not inherently bad, but it’s essential to consider how we handle situations when our expectations are not met.

She shares the experience of living in a small rural community and then moving to Tampa, where she has encountered more aggressive driving behavior. She acknowledges that her expectations of people staying out of her lane have changed. However, she also practices perspective-taking, trying to understand why someone might be driving recklessly. She mentions a friend who suggests considering that the other driver may have an urgent need, like needing to use the restroom. This perspective helps her manage her feelings and respond calmly instead of reacting with aggression.

She highlights the importance of managing our feelings and responses, even when dealing with strangers. Megan discusses how the dysregulation of others can affect our own expectations and well-being. For instance, if someone’s reckless driving causes an accident, it may inconvenience us and raise our insurance rates. Therefore, it is crucial to observe our feelings and make conscious choices about how we respond to these situations.

Megan also extends the metaphor of driving to other scenarios, such as interactions at the grocery store or with coworkers. In these situations, someone else’s energy or mood can impact us. She questions how long we allow ourselves to carry those negative feelings and how upset we let ourselves become. She emphasizes the need to let go of expectations and not let others’ actions dictate our emotions.

She mentions the concept of “shoulding all over yourself,” which refers to having rigid expectations and beliefs about how things should be. She encourages listeners to consider if they are shooting all over themselves or others, and instead, adopt a more flexible mindset. By recognizing that people may not always follow the rules, we can focus on how we choose to respond to these situations.

 

Slowing things down, stopping to think, and identifying our desired response are suggested as helpful strategies. Taking a moment to reflect on our emotions and deciding how we want to react can lead to more thoughtful and intentional responses.

Set boundaries with others’ emotions.

They discuss the concept of setting boundaries with others’ emotions. She emphasizes the idea that we have the power to choose whether or not we allow other people’s emotions to affect us. Megan uses the analogy of being inside a bubble, where our emotions are supposed to stay within our own sphere. However, they acknowledge that some people, particularly highly sensitive individuals or empaths, may find it more challenging to maintain this boundary.

Megan and Elizabeth discuss the desire for other people to feel a certain way and how that can impact our own emotions. They give examples of situations where someone else’s hurry or worry can make us feel the same way. However, they emphasize the importance of holding onto our own emotions and not absorbing what others are feeling. They mention that this can be particularly difficult for highly sensitive people, as they are more attuned to their environment and the emotions of others.

They also explore the idea of using a “shit shield” or a metaphorical plexiglass shield to protect ourselves from other people’s emotions. This shield allows us to see and understand that someone else is feeling a certain way without having to take on their emotions ourselves. It is about giving ourselves permission to not feel responsible for someone else’s emotional state and to focus on our own regulation and well-being.

They also touch on the concept of over-functioning and under-functioning, which is another topic they plan to discuss in a future episode. They highlight the importance of not taking on the role of soothing someone else’s emotions if they are not asking for our help. Instead, they encourage listeners to focus on their own emotional regulation and not feel the need to save or help someone else unless it is explicitly requested.

Setting boundaries with emotional tornadoes.

Setting boundaries with emotional tornadoes is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and protecting our own emotional well-being. Megan and Elizabeth  discuss how we can easily get caught up in someone else’s emotional turmoil and be influenced by their emotions. This can lead to us adopting their emotions as our own and losing sight of our own boundaries.

They use the metaphor of a tornado to describe these emotionally overwhelming situations. They explain that sometimes, with unhealthy individuals, our best course of action is to simply observe the tornado without engaging with it. This means not allowing ourselves to be swept up in their emotions or getting reactive to their behavior. Instead, we should maintain a sense of awareness and control over our own emotions.

One example given is dealing with anxious people. When someone in our lives is feeling anxious and tries to project that onto us, it is important to recognize that we don’t have to take on their anxiety. We can choose to remain calm and not let their emotions affect us. By setting this boundary, we can protect ourselves from being overwhelmed and maintain our own emotional well-being.

Another aspect of setting boundaries with emotional tornadoes is recognizing our own limitations and knowing when we are not in the right emotional state to engage in certain conversations or activities. They discuss how one of them is a morning person and prefers to process emotions earlier in the day, while their child prefers to do so late at night. In this situation, they set a boundary by redirecting the child to their other parent, who is better equipped to handle late-night emotional discussions. This shows the importance of knowing our own boundaries and communicating them to others.

Ultimately, setting boundaries with emotional tornadoes is about taking care of ourselves and maintaining healthy relationships. It involves recognizing when we need to step back, observing without engaging, and communicating our boundaries to others. By prioritizing our own emotional regulation and well-being, we can navigate challenging situations with greater ease and foster healthier connections with others.

 

Listen to the episode 2, Part 2 from Season 3 HERE!

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How Self-Awareness Plays a Role with Boundaries

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The Importance of Self-Awareness for Boundaries

 

Self-awareness plays a crucial role in establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. Boundaries are essential for maintaining our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. They define the limits and expectations we have for ourselves and others in various aspects of our lives, such as relationships, work, and personal space. Without self-awareness, it becomes challenging to recognize our own needs, desires, and limits, making it difficult to establish and enforce boundaries effectively.

 

Self-awareness involves having a clear understanding of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. It requires introspection and reflection to gain insight into our values, beliefs, and personal boundaries. When we are self-aware, we can identify when our boundaries are being crossed, and we can take appropriate action to protect ourselves.

 

Here are a few reasons why self-awareness is crucial for setting and maintaining boundaries:

 

  1. Understanding Personal Values and Needs: Self-awareness helps us identify our core values and needs. When we know what is important to us, we can set boundaries that align with these values. For example, if honesty is a core value, we can establish boundaries that prevent others from lying to us or expecting us to lie for them.

 

  1. Recognizing Emotional and Physical Limits: Self-awareness allows us to recognize our emotional and physical limits. We can identify when we are feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or exhausted, and set boundaries that protect our well-being. This may involve saying no to additional responsibilities, taking breaks when needed, or asking for support when necessary.

 

  1. Communicating Boundaries Effectively: Self-awareness enables us to communicate our boundaries effectively. When we understand our own needs and limits, we can clearly express them to others. This helps prevent misunderstandings and allows for open and honest communication in relationships.

 

  1. Respecting Others’ Boundaries: Self-awareness not only helps us establish our own boundaries but also enables us to respect the boundaries of others. When we are aware of our own boundaries, we are more likely to recognize and honor the boundaries set by others. This promotes healthy and respectful relationships.

 

  1. Building Self-Confidence: Self-awareness contributes to building self-confidence. When we have a clear understanding of our values, needs, and limits, we feel more confident in asserting ourselves and setting boundaries. This confidence allows us to prioritize our well-being and advocate for ourselves effectively.

 

Psychoeducation is not therapy, but it is an important aspect of therapy that provides educational information and tools for individuals to learn and understand themselves better. Therapy, on the other hand, delves deeper into the underlying reasons for our emotions and behaviors, exploring past experiences and their impact on our current triggers and reactions.

 

The podcast transcript highlights the distinction between psychoeducation and therapy. The hosts emphasize that they are not therapists and that the information they provide is not a substitute for therapy. Instead, their goal is to offer listeners an opportunity to learn new vocabulary and gain a better understanding of how they interact in the world and in their relationships.

 

Psychoeducation focuses on providing education about emotions, self-awareness, and communication dynamics. It offers insights into different theories and therapeutic techniques that can be helpful in understanding oneself and others. It may provide metaphors, tidbits, and ideas to consider, but it is not a substitute for the personalized and specific guidance that therapy provides.

 

Therapy, on the other hand, goes beyond psychoeducation. It involves delving deeper into the individual’s unique experiences and exploring the root causes of their emotions and reactions. Therapy aims to help individuals understand why they feel the way they do and how their early childhood experiences may be linked to their current triggers. It is a space for individuals to explore their own situations and work towards finding ways to stop becoming reactive in certain situations or with certain people.

 

Take control of your feelings.

Taking control of our feelings is crucial for our overall well-being and personal growth.we discuss the importance of understanding our emotions and how they impact our behavior. They explain that our prefrontal cortex is responsible for language and understanding, allowing us to connect our feelings to descriptive words and reasons behind them.

 

When we are stuck in the feeling part of our brain, we may struggle to express our emotions or understand why we are feeling a certain way. This is because the more primitive section of our brain, which develops early on, lacks the ability to use words to describe our emotions. This is why it is important to use feeling words with children to improve their vocabulary and emotional intelligence.

 

However, we also acknowledge that many adults may not have received this kind of emotional education in their childhood. As a result, they may struggle to regulate their own emotions and find it challenging to model healthy emotional expression for their children. We suggest that it is never too late to learn and improve in this area, and encourage adults to go back to the drawing board and develop their emotional vocabulary.

 

Control emotions, choose thoughtful response.

We discuss the importance of controlling our emotions and choosing thoughtful responses in various situations. We emphasize the need to claim our emotions and acknowledge that it is okay to feel upset when someone’s behavior upsets us. However, we also highlight the importance of not reacting impulsively but instead responding in a more controlled and thoughtful manner.

 

While it is crucial to react quickly in certain situations, such as avoiding a car accident, it is more beneficial to respond in situations involving loved ones and friends. Responding implies being in control of our emotions and thoughts, considering the best outcome for the situation, and acting accordingly.

 

Responding instead of reacting requires being in control of our emotions and feelings, as well as thinking through the situation. This distinction is significant because it allows us to approach the situation with a level-headed mindset and consider the consequences of our actions. By doing so, we can make more informed decisions and choose responses that are beneficial for all parties involved.

 

curious, curiosity, boundaries, self, care

Stay Curious!

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Curiosity fosters understanding and connection.

Curiosity fosters understanding and connection. Elizabeth McCormack and Meganl, delve into the importance of curiosity in relationships and how it can lead to a deeper understanding of others.

Curiosity is a mindset that allows individuals to approach situations with a neutral to positive mindset. It is a place of open-mindedness and wonder, where one is not trying to control or change the thoughts of others. Instead, curiosity encourages individuals to seek understanding and learn from different perspectives.

Megan emphasizes that curiosity can be particularly beneficial in situations of miscommunication or conflict. By approaching these situations with curiosity, individuals can avoid reactive responses and instead respond in a more helpful manner. They can acknowledge the emotions or thoughts of the other person without feeling the need to change them. This creates a space for open dialogue and fosters a sense of connection.

Curiosity is present during the holiday season, a time when family gatherings and social events can bring about uncomfortable conversations or disagreements. Megan and Elizabeth encourage listeners to approach these situations with curiosity, rather than trying to change or convince others of their own opinions. By listening and being open to different perspectives, individuals can maintain a sense of connection and avoid unnecessary conflicts.

She also discusses the importance of boundaries in fostering curiosity. She explains that setting boundaries allows individuals to protect their time and energy. If someone does not feel emotionally secure in a relationship, they can limit their time and energy spent with that person. By setting boundaries, individuals can create a safe space for curiosity to thrive and promote understanding and connection.

Curiosity fosters understanding and connection by allowing individuals to approach situations with an open mind and a desire to learn from others. It encourages active listening and creates a safe space for dialogue, even in situations of disagreement. By setting boundaries, individuals can protect their emotional well-being and create an environment where curiosity can flourish. Ultimately, curiosity is a powerful tool that can lead to deeper connections and a greater understanding of others.

Setting boundaries is self-care.

Setting boundaries is an essential aspect of self-care. We know the importance of establishing limits in relationships to protect one’s emotional well-being and maintain a sense of comfort and safety.

Megan and Elizabeth discuss the concept of emotional trust, which involves trusting others to regulate their emotions in a way that is predictable and comfortable for us. When we trust someone emotionally, we know what to expect from them, and this predictability creates a sense of safety. On the other hand, if someone has a history of unpredictable emotional behavior, it becomes more challenging to trust them, and we may need to be more cautious and expend more energy in our interactions with them.

It is crucial to recognize that setting boundaries is our responsibility, not the responsibility of others. Boundaries are not meant to manage or control the behavior of others but to protect our own well-being. It is up to us to follow through with the boundaries we set and communicate our needs and limits clearly.

There are different types of boundaries. For instance, it may involve setting a time limit for social engagements and being firm in leaving when that time is up, even if others try to persuade us to stay longer. It could also involve establishing a boundary for ourselves in response to a family member who tends to shout during conversations, such as leaving the room when the shouting begins.

By setting and maintaining our boundaries, we prioritize our own needs and energy levels. This allows us to avoid becoming people-pleasers or sacrificing our well-being for the sake of others’ comfort. It is essential to remember that our needs are our responsibility, and we can challenge ourselves to not let the needs of others overshadow our own.

Setting boundaries is an act of self-care. It involves recognizing and communicating our needs, limits, and comfort levels in relationships. By establishing and maintaining boundaries, we protect our emotional well-being and create a space where we can prioritize ourselves. It is crucial to remember that boundaries are not about controlling others but about taking care of ourselves. Through setting boundaries, we can cultivate healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

 

Click HERE to listen to this episode!

Find out more about Elizabeth HERE!

 

Boundaries are Essential for Self-Care

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Boundaries are essential for self-care

Boundaries are essential for self-care. This is a statement that holds true in all aspects of our lives, whether it be in our personal relationships, work environments, or even within ourselves. Boundaries are the limits and guidelines we set for ourselves and others to ensure that our needs, values, and well-being are respected and protected.
Megan Bayless-Bartley, introduces the topic of boundaries by addressing the feeling of being stuck or unfulfilled in life. She acknowledges that it is normal to reassess what is working and what is not at midlife. This is an important realization because it highlights the need for boundaries as a means to reclaim our time, energy, and joy.
Elizabeth McCormick, a boundaries expert, emphasizes the importance of boundaries by stating that it is what she does all day. She further explains that boundaries require both offense and defense, just like in the game Sequence. This analogy highlights the proactive and protective nature of boundaries. They are not just about setting limits, but also about preventing others from crossing them.
Megan and Elizabeth also touch on the challenges of maintaining boundaries, especially during the holiday season. This is a time when we may be required to spend time and energy around people or in situations that may test our boundaries. It is crucial to have clear boundaries in place to protect our mental and emotional well-being.
The comparison between boundaries and the game of Jenga further reinforces the idea that boundaries require delicacy and balance. Just like removing blocks in Jenga, setting and maintaining boundaries requires careful consideration and thoughtfulness. It is about finding the right balance between asserting ourselves and respecting the needs and boundaries of others.
Boundaries are not selfish or restrictive; they are a form of self-care. They allow us to prioritize our own well-being and ensure that we are not constantly sacrificing ourselves for the sake of others. By setting boundaries, we create a space for self-care, self-respect, and personal growth. We give ourselves permission to say no when necessary, to protect our time and energy, and to establish healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Setting boundaries is self-protection

Setting boundaries is self-protection. This holds true in various aspects of our lives, whether it be in our personal relationships, professional environments, or even within ourselves. Boundaries act as a safeguard, ensuring that we prioritize our own well-being and establish healthy boundaries with others.
Boundaries are described as limits or lines that mark the extent of an area or subject. However, boundaries extend beyond physical spaces and also encompass emotional boundaries. These emotional boundaries are crucial in understanding where we end and others begin in terms of our thoughts, feelings, and energy.
Megan uses the analogy of a yard to explain the concept of boundaries. Just as we have clear boundaries that define our physical space, we also need emotional boundaries to protect ourselves. These emotional boundaries allow us to have a sense of self-awareness and identify our own feelings. Without this self-awareness, we may find ourselves constantly influenced by the energy and emotions of others, leading to a lack of personal boundaries.
Setting boundaries is a form of self-protection. Boundaries serve as a means to establish what is acceptable and what is not for ourselves. By clearly defining our limits, we can create a space where we feel safe, respected, and valued. This self-protection extends to our emotional well-being, ensuring that we do not allow others to manipulate or exploit our emotions.
Setting boundaries is not only about protecting ourselves but also about fostering healthy relationships. When we have clear boundaries, we can communicate our needs, desires, and limits to others. This open communication allows for mutual understanding and respect, strengthening the foundation of any relationship. Boundaries also prevent us from overextending ourselves or sacrificing our own well-being for the sake of others.
In a society where we are often taught to prioritize the feelings and needs of others, setting boundaries can be seen as selfish or confrontational. However, Megan challenges this notion by highlighting that it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves. By prioritizing our own well-being and setting boundaries, we create space for growth, self-discovery, and personal fulfillment.

Self-awareness is key for communication

Self-awareness is key for communication. The ability to recognize and understand our own feelings and desires is essential for effective communication and building healthy relationships. In a world filled with constant sensory input and distractions, it is easy to lose touch with our own needs and emotions. However, by taking the time to check in with ourselves and ask what we need in each moment, we can better understand our own desires and communicate them effectively to others.
The concept of self-awareness is further explored through the idea of emotional boundaries. Megan and Elizabeth discuss how emotional boundaries involve assessing what we need in a given situation and how we will show up. This requires us to regulate ourselves based on our own needs and emotions, rather than being solely influenced by how others are showing up. By being aware of our own emotions and needs, we can navigate social situations more effectively and respond in a way that aligns with our own well-being.
They also touch on the importance of feeling identification and being able to articulate how we feel in different spaces. This level of self-awareness allows us to better understand ourselves and communicate our needs to others. It also enables us to have more productive and meaningful conversations, as we can express ourselves authentically and seek understanding from others.

Hold space for others’ feelings.

“Holding space for others’ feelings” is a concept that emphasizes the importance of creating a safe and non-judgmental environment for individuals to express their emotions and thoughts. It involves actively listening to others without interrupting or imposing our own opinions and judgments on them. This practice requires self-awareness, empathy, and the ability to regulate our own emotions.
They discuss the idea of observing and slowing down in order to hold space for others’ feelings. They emphasize the importance of mindfulness, which involves noticing and acknowledging our own emotions and reactions without attaching judgment to them. By practicing mindfulness, we can create a space where others feel heard and validated, allowing them to freely express themselves without fear of judgment or criticism.
One aspect of holding space for others’ feelings is co-regulation. This involves being a non-anxious presence and providing support to others in times of distress. Instead of trying to control or fix their emotions, we can simply be there for them, offering empathy and understanding. This approach is particularly effective with children, as it allows them to feel safe and supported, helping them to regulate their emotions more effectively.
Megan and Elizabeth also discuss the importance of curiosity in holding space for others’ feelings. By being curious, we can seek clarification and understanding, rather than jumping to conclusions or making assumptions. Curiosity allows us to approach conversations with an open mind, fostering deeper connections and reducing misunderstandings. It also encourages us to ask questions and actively listen, demonstrating our genuine interest in others’ experiences and perspectives.

 

Listen to Season 3, Episode 2 (Part 1) HERE!

More about Elizabeth McCormack HERE!

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