Exhaustion, Apathy and Compassion Fatigue

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Compassion fatigue and boundaries

 

Compassion fatigue and boundaries are closely intertwined concepts that play a significant role in the lives of individuals in helping professions and caregiving roles. Compassion fatigue refers to the emotional, physical, and spiritual exhaustion that occurs over time when individuals constantly provide care and support to others. It is a gradual lessening of compassion for both oneself and those being cared for.

 

Boundaries, on the other hand, are the limits and guidelines that individuals set to protect their emotional well-being and prevent burnout. These boundaries define the space between oneself and others, ensuring that individuals maintain a healthy balance between empathy and self-care.

 

Britt Riddle, a therapist at the Mindfulness Center, explains that compassion fatigue is often caused by a lack of boundaries or blurred boundaries. When individuals do not establish clear limits in their caregiving roles, they risk becoming emotionally overwhelmed and losing their ability to empathize effectively. This can lead to exhaustion and a decrease in the quality of care provided.

 

Setting boundaries is crucial for protecting oneself from compassion fatigue. These boundaries can be both organizational and emotional. Organizational boundaries involve factors such as client or patient caseload and organizational support. Emotional boundaries, on the other hand, pertain to how individuals provide empathy and support to others. It is essential to strike a balance between being caring and involved without taking on the emotional burden of others.

 

One aspect of emotional boundaries is distinguishing between empathy and sympathy. Empathy involves being present with someone, acknowledging their emotions, and providing support without internalizing their feelings. It is about feeling with someone rather than for them. Sympathy, on the other hand, involves taking on the emotions of others, which can lead to emotional exhaustion and blurred boundaries.

 

Maintaining healthy emotional boundaries allows individuals to be present for others without sacrificing their own well-being. It enables them to provide support and care while still preserving their own emotional resilience. By recognizing the difference between feeling with someone and feeling for someone, individuals can avoid becoming overwhelmed and maintain a healthy balance in their caregiving roles.

 

Setting boundaries for compassion fatigue

 

Boundaries serve as a means of protecting the exchange of energy between individuals. Each person has a different capacity for how much energy they can give and receive without experiencing negative consequences such as anxiety, irritability, or resentment. Recognizing these limits is crucial for preventing compassion fatigue. When caregivers start feeling upset because they have scheduled someone when they didn’t want to, or when they carry the emotions of the day home and feel resentful, it is a clear indication that their boundaries have been crossed.

 

Feelings of resentment are often a red flag that boundaries have been breached. Resentment can arise when caregivers feel overwhelmed and unable to meet their own needs or responsibilities due to excessive emotional labor. It is important for caregivers to prioritize self-care and establish boundaries that allow them to maintain their own well-being. By doing so, they can continue to provide compassionate care without becoming emotionally drained.

 

Boundaries also play a role in respecting both oneself and others. By setting boundaries, individuals recognize that they are responsible for their own well-being and that it is not their job to do the emotional work for others. This autonomy allows individuals to maintain a healthy balance between caring for others and caring for themselves. Over-functioning or under-functioning can occur when individuals feel the need to take on responsibilities that are not theirs or when they neglect their own needs in favor of helping others. Establishing boundaries helps individuals find a middle ground where they can provide support without overextending themselves.

 

Anxiety often accompanies the desire to help and fix problems for others. However, soothing this anxiety does not always require taking action or producing immediate results. Instead, individuals can find solace in being present and creating space for others to do the necessary work themselves. Trusting that others are capable of managing their own emotional realities is an important aspect of setting boundaries. By allowing others to experience their own emotions and not trying to control or fix them, caregivers can offer genuine support and compassion.

 

Setting boundaries is not only beneficial for preventing compassion fatigue but also for enhancing compassion itself. Boundaries allow individuals to have a defined time and space for compassion, which can result in deeper presence and understanding. By protecting their own well-being through boundaries, caregivers can offer more genuine and sustainable support to those they care for.

 

Boundaries are essential for relationships

 

Boundaries are essential for relationships. we discuss the importance of boundaries in managing energy exchange and maintaining integrity within relationships. We emphasize that boundaries are not meant to be rules or punishments, but rather tools that help individuals navigate their interactions with others.

 

We refer to Brene Brown’s definition of boundaries, using the acronym BIG (Boundaries, Integrity, Generous). According to Brown, boundaries are necessary for individuals to stay in their integrity and assume the best intentions of others. This highlights the idea that boundaries are not meant to isolate or separate individuals, but rather to create a framework within which relationships can thrive.

 

We also discuss how boundaries can be seen as intentions. By being intentional with their time and energy, individuals can set clear boundaries and communicate their needs effectively. This allows for a more balanced and fulfilling exchange in relationships, as both parties understand and respect each other’s boundaries.

 

Listen to this episode HERE!

Ready to take the next step in your self-awareness?  Download some helpful worksheets HERE!

 

Boundaries: Being Honest With Yourself & Others

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Setting healthy boundaries is important.

Setting healthy boundaries is important for our overall well-being and happiness. It allows us to take control of our lives, prioritize our needs, and maintain healthy relationships with others. Without healthy boundaries, we may find ourselves feeling overwhelmed, resentful, and unfulfilled.

Megan and Elizabeth discuss the significance of identifying and addressing unhealthy boundaries. They acknowledge that it is normal to reassess what is working for us and what is not, especially during midlife. They emphasize the importance of reclaiming our time, energy, and joy in order to make the most out of the second half of our lives.

Unhealthy boundaries can manifest in various aspects of our lives, including our relationships with others and our own personal choices. Megan highlights the need to recognize when we are participating in or being affected by someone else’s unhealthy boundaries. This could involve feeling guilted into doing something or being pressured to engage in activities that do not align with our preferences or values.

To address unhealthy boundaries, they suggest first identifying where we are getting hooked in. This involves reflecting on our own boundaries and determining whether a boundary violation is occurring. It is essential to trust ourselves and feel comfortable saying no when something does not align with our needs or desires. They encourage listeners to appreciate the person asking but firmly assert their boundaries.

One challenge in setting healthy boundaries is the fear of how others will react. We may worry about hurting someone’s feelings or damaging a relationship. However, Megan and Elizabeth emphasize the importance of trusting ourselves and allowing others to take care of themselves. It is not our responsibility to constantly please others at the expense of our own well-being.

 

Take care of yourself first.

They emphasize the importance of taking care of oneself first. Megan highlights how divorce or separation can serve as an eye-opener for individuals, prompting them to reevaluate their lives and make necessary changes. The conversation delves into the idea that stabilizing one’s own life may not necessarily lead to a stable relationship, as it also requires open communication and speaking one’s truth.

She also explores the concept of emotional dependency and attachment in relationships. She discusses how individuals may reach a point, often referred to as the “fuck it forties,” where they no longer want to be the stabilizing force in their family. This realization signifies a need for change and a desire for a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Throughout our lives, we experience significant changes every seven years. These changes can range from career shifts to becoming parents, and even personal health transformations. It is essential to recognize these shifts and reassess our boundaries and relationships accordingly. Megan emphasizes the importance of investing in oneself and allowing others to adjust to these changes.

The conversation also touches on the idea that taking care of oneself is not selfish but rather an act of self-care. It can inspire others to take action and prioritize their own well-being. By setting an example and demonstrating self-care, individuals can inspire their loved ones to do the same.

Develop independence, prioritize self-care.

Megan begins by discussing the importance of developing independence in children. She acknowledges their desire to care for and provide for their children but also recognizes that constantly doing things for them can hinder their growth and independence. She mentions that allowing children to make their own meals and take care of themselves is a reasonable skill for a 14-year-old. By doing everything for their children, they inadvertently create a codependent relationship where the child becomes reliant on them for everything.

 

Megan and Elizabeth then shift the focus to women in their forties who have lost themselves in the process of caring for others. They explain that some women never fully develop their own identity because they transition directly from their parents’ home into a relationship where they continue to meet the needs of others. As a result, they reach a point where they don’t even know what they want or what is healthy for them. This lack of self-awareness and self-care can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment.

To address this issue, they teach teenage girls the importance of showing up in a relationship and expressing their opinions. They use the example of choosing a restaurant for a date. Initially, the girls may say they don’t mind where they go because they want to be liked. However, if they never assert their preferences, they may become resentful that their partner never asks for their input. By not choosing, they are indirectly choosing to prioritize the other person’s needs over their own.

They emphasize that showing up as oneself and having preferences is an essential part of healthy relationships. They encourage individuals to express their likes and dislikes, whether it’s about food or any other aspect of life. By doing so, they are asserting their personality and communicating who they are to others. It is important to have an opinion and not always defer to others’ choices.

Honesty is difficult but important.

Megan and Elizabeth highlight the difficulty of being honest but also emphasize its importance in relationships. They acknowledge that while it is possible to force oneself to do something, it is more meaningful to make a conscious choice to be honest. This choice requires vulnerability and the willingness to let go of the need to control how others perceive us.

Being honest is not always easy. It requires stepping out of one’s comfort zone and facing potential judgment or rejection. They recognize that society often downplays the challenges of honesty and the fear of being judged. However, they stress the significance of addressing this difficulty and acknowledging the courage it takes to be honest.

 

Listen to Part 2 of Episode 4 from Season 3 HERE!

Boundaries During the Holidays

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Setting boundaries during the holidays.

The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. However, for many people, it can also be a time of stress, overwhelm, and exhaustion. The pressure to attend events, participate in traditions, and meet societal expectations can take a toll on mental and emotional well-being. That is why it is crucial to set boundaries during the holidays.

Setting boundaries is an act of self-care. It involves recognizing and prioritizing one’s own needs, protecting mental and emotional well-being, and maintaining healthy relationships. 

One aspect is the need to differentiate between what we think we “should” do (“shoulding” all over ourselves) and what truly brings us joy. Megan mentions the internal struggle of wanting to spend time with her children but questioning whether the activities they engage in are enjoyable for the whole family. This dilemma prompts her to examine their traditions and determine which ones serve the memories and experiences they desire, and which ones they are simply going through the motions for.

By examining our traditions and questioning their purpose, we can make conscious choices about what activities to engage in during the holiday season. This allows us to prioritize the events and traditions that bring us joy and create meaningful memories, while letting go of those that do not align with our values or preferences. It is essential to remember that it is okay to let go of traditions that no longer serve us or bring us happiness. We “should” not feel obligated to continue them simply because they are expected or have been done in the past. We “could” do it how we have done it in the past, or we could do it differently. What are the “Rainbow of Options”?

Another important aspect of setting boundaries is the impact of our attitude and energy on ourselves and those around us. She emphasizes the importance of being aware of the nonverbal communication we send when we force ourselves to participate in activities we do not enjoy. When we are not fully present or enthusiastic, it affects the overall atmosphere and energy of the event. By acknowledging our true feelings and choosing not to participate in activities that do not bring us joy, we can avoid draining ourselves and zapping the energy from the room.

It is important to be honest with ourselves and others about our boundaries. It is okay to change our minds, even at the last minute, and prioritize our well-being. She encourages listeners to ask for space or time alone if needed, without feeling guilty or obligated to attend events or engage in activities that do not align with their current needs. By communicating our boundaries honestly and respectfully, we allow ourselves the freedom to prioritize self-care and create a holiday season that is more aligned with our individual needs and desires.

Setting healthy boundaries is important.

Setting healthy boundaries is important in all aspects of life, including during the holiday season. One of the main reasons why setting boundaries is crucial is to prioritize our own needs. Megan mentions that it is essential to consider our own feelings and emotions when making decisions. It is not selfish to prioritize our own happiness and well-being. By setting boundaries, we can ensure that we are taking care of ourselves and not sacrificing our own needs for the sake of others.

Communication is also a key component of setting healthy boundaries. Megan mentions the importance of being honest and open about our boundaries. By communicating our needs and limitations, we can avoid resentment and misunderstandings. It is important to own our feelings and communicate them to others, especially when it comes to parenting. By being transparent with our children about our own emotions and limitations, we can teach them the importance of setting boundaries and taking care of themselves.

Take responsibility for your choices.

Taking responsibility for our choices is an important aspect of setting boundaries. It requires acknowledging that we have control over our decisions and actions, and that we are responsible for the consequences that arise from them. Megan and Elizabeth discuss how parents need to take responsibility for the choices they make regarding their children’s activities and schedules. The encourage parents to be intentional about what they can physically do and not be afraid to say no or set limits.

They also touch on the importance of taking responsibility in relationships with parents. They mention the guilt and feelings that can arise when trying to balance the demands of visiting or calling parents. They highlight the need for open communication and assertiveness in expressing one’s limitations and boundaries. By taking responsibility for their choices, individuals can actively work towards finding a balance that works for them and their parents.

Ultimately, taking responsibility for our choices means recognizing that we have agency in our lives. It means acknowledging that we have the power to make decisions that are in our best interest and that align with our values and needs. By taking responsibility for our choices, we can create a life that is authentic and fulfilling. It allows us to prioritize our well-being and establish healthy boundaries that promote healthy relationships and self-care.

Listen to this episode HERE!

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Emotional Tornadoes

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Manage expectations, choose your response

Managing expectations and choosing our responses are crucial aspects of maintaining healthy boundaries and self-awareness. Megan discusses the importance of knowing what we need and understanding our expectations in various situations.

She begins by using the example of driving on the freeway to illustrate how expectations can lead to emotional activation. When someone cuts us off while driving, we have an expectation that people should drive safely. However, when our expectations aren’t met, we may become angry or frustrated. She emphasizes that having expectations is not inherently bad, but it’s essential to consider how we handle situations when our expectations are not met.

She shares the experience of living in a small rural community and then moving to Tampa, where she has encountered more aggressive driving behavior. She acknowledges that her expectations of people staying out of her lane have changed. However, she also practices perspective-taking, trying to understand why someone might be driving recklessly. She mentions a friend who suggests considering that the other driver may have an urgent need, like needing to use the restroom. This perspective helps her manage her feelings and respond calmly instead of reacting with aggression.

She highlights the importance of managing our feelings and responses, even when dealing with strangers. Megan discusses how the dysregulation of others can affect our own expectations and well-being. For instance, if someone’s reckless driving causes an accident, it may inconvenience us and raise our insurance rates. Therefore, it is crucial to observe our feelings and make conscious choices about how we respond to these situations.

Megan also extends the metaphor of driving to other scenarios, such as interactions at the grocery store or with coworkers. In these situations, someone else’s energy or mood can impact us. She questions how long we allow ourselves to carry those negative feelings and how upset we let ourselves become. She emphasizes the need to let go of expectations and not let others’ actions dictate our emotions.

She mentions the concept of “shoulding all over yourself,” which refers to having rigid expectations and beliefs about how things should be. She encourages listeners to consider if they are shooting all over themselves or others, and instead, adopt a more flexible mindset. By recognizing that people may not always follow the rules, we can focus on how we choose to respond to these situations.

 

Slowing things down, stopping to think, and identifying our desired response are suggested as helpful strategies. Taking a moment to reflect on our emotions and deciding how we want to react can lead to more thoughtful and intentional responses.

Set boundaries with others’ emotions.

They discuss the concept of setting boundaries with others’ emotions. She emphasizes the idea that we have the power to choose whether or not we allow other people’s emotions to affect us. Megan uses the analogy of being inside a bubble, where our emotions are supposed to stay within our own sphere. However, they acknowledge that some people, particularly highly sensitive individuals or empaths, may find it more challenging to maintain this boundary.

Megan and Elizabeth discuss the desire for other people to feel a certain way and how that can impact our own emotions. They give examples of situations where someone else’s hurry or worry can make us feel the same way. However, they emphasize the importance of holding onto our own emotions and not absorbing what others are feeling. They mention that this can be particularly difficult for highly sensitive people, as they are more attuned to their environment and the emotions of others.

They also explore the idea of using a “shit shield” or a metaphorical plexiglass shield to protect ourselves from other people’s emotions. This shield allows us to see and understand that someone else is feeling a certain way without having to take on their emotions ourselves. It is about giving ourselves permission to not feel responsible for someone else’s emotional state and to focus on our own regulation and well-being.

They also touch on the concept of over-functioning and under-functioning, which is another topic they plan to discuss in a future episode. They highlight the importance of not taking on the role of soothing someone else’s emotions if they are not asking for our help. Instead, they encourage listeners to focus on their own emotional regulation and not feel the need to save or help someone else unless it is explicitly requested.

Setting boundaries with emotional tornadoes.

Setting boundaries with emotional tornadoes is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and protecting our own emotional well-being. Megan and Elizabeth  discuss how we can easily get caught up in someone else’s emotional turmoil and be influenced by their emotions. This can lead to us adopting their emotions as our own and losing sight of our own boundaries.

They use the metaphor of a tornado to describe these emotionally overwhelming situations. They explain that sometimes, with unhealthy individuals, our best course of action is to simply observe the tornado without engaging with it. This means not allowing ourselves to be swept up in their emotions or getting reactive to their behavior. Instead, we should maintain a sense of awareness and control over our own emotions.

One example given is dealing with anxious people. When someone in our lives is feeling anxious and tries to project that onto us, it is important to recognize that we don’t have to take on their anxiety. We can choose to remain calm and not let their emotions affect us. By setting this boundary, we can protect ourselves from being overwhelmed and maintain our own emotional well-being.

Another aspect of setting boundaries with emotional tornadoes is recognizing our own limitations and knowing when we are not in the right emotional state to engage in certain conversations or activities. They discuss how one of them is a morning person and prefers to process emotions earlier in the day, while their child prefers to do so late at night. In this situation, they set a boundary by redirecting the child to their other parent, who is better equipped to handle late-night emotional discussions. This shows the importance of knowing our own boundaries and communicating them to others.

Ultimately, setting boundaries with emotional tornadoes is about taking care of ourselves and maintaining healthy relationships. It involves recognizing when we need to step back, observing without engaging, and communicating our boundaries to others. By prioritizing our own emotional regulation and well-being, we can navigate challenging situations with greater ease and foster healthier connections with others.

 

Listen to the episode 2, Part 2 from Season 3 HERE!

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How Self-Awareness Plays a Role with Boundaries

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The Importance of Self-Awareness for Boundaries

 

Self-awareness plays a crucial role in establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. Boundaries are essential for maintaining our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. They define the limits and expectations we have for ourselves and others in various aspects of our lives, such as relationships, work, and personal space. Without self-awareness, it becomes challenging to recognize our own needs, desires, and limits, making it difficult to establish and enforce boundaries effectively.

 

Self-awareness involves having a clear understanding of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. It requires introspection and reflection to gain insight into our values, beliefs, and personal boundaries. When we are self-aware, we can identify when our boundaries are being crossed, and we can take appropriate action to protect ourselves.

 

Here are a few reasons why self-awareness is crucial for setting and maintaining boundaries:

 

  1. Understanding Personal Values and Needs: Self-awareness helps us identify our core values and needs. When we know what is important to us, we can set boundaries that align with these values. For example, if honesty is a core value, we can establish boundaries that prevent others from lying to us or expecting us to lie for them.

 

  1. Recognizing Emotional and Physical Limits: Self-awareness allows us to recognize our emotional and physical limits. We can identify when we are feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or exhausted, and set boundaries that protect our well-being. This may involve saying no to additional responsibilities, taking breaks when needed, or asking for support when necessary.

 

  1. Communicating Boundaries Effectively: Self-awareness enables us to communicate our boundaries effectively. When we understand our own needs and limits, we can clearly express them to others. This helps prevent misunderstandings and allows for open and honest communication in relationships.

 

  1. Respecting Others’ Boundaries: Self-awareness not only helps us establish our own boundaries but also enables us to respect the boundaries of others. When we are aware of our own boundaries, we are more likely to recognize and honor the boundaries set by others. This promotes healthy and respectful relationships.

 

  1. Building Self-Confidence: Self-awareness contributes to building self-confidence. When we have a clear understanding of our values, needs, and limits, we feel more confident in asserting ourselves and setting boundaries. This confidence allows us to prioritize our well-being and advocate for ourselves effectively.

 

Psychoeducation is not therapy, but it is an important aspect of therapy that provides educational information and tools for individuals to learn and understand themselves better. Therapy, on the other hand, delves deeper into the underlying reasons for our emotions and behaviors, exploring past experiences and their impact on our current triggers and reactions.

 

The podcast transcript highlights the distinction between psychoeducation and therapy. The hosts emphasize that they are not therapists and that the information they provide is not a substitute for therapy. Instead, their goal is to offer listeners an opportunity to learn new vocabulary and gain a better understanding of how they interact in the world and in their relationships.

 

Psychoeducation focuses on providing education about emotions, self-awareness, and communication dynamics. It offers insights into different theories and therapeutic techniques that can be helpful in understanding oneself and others. It may provide metaphors, tidbits, and ideas to consider, but it is not a substitute for the personalized and specific guidance that therapy provides.

 

Therapy, on the other hand, goes beyond psychoeducation. It involves delving deeper into the individual’s unique experiences and exploring the root causes of their emotions and reactions. Therapy aims to help individuals understand why they feel the way they do and how their early childhood experiences may be linked to their current triggers. It is a space for individuals to explore their own situations and work towards finding ways to stop becoming reactive in certain situations or with certain people.

 

Take control of your feelings.

Taking control of our feelings is crucial for our overall well-being and personal growth.we discuss the importance of understanding our emotions and how they impact our behavior. They explain that our prefrontal cortex is responsible for language and understanding, allowing us to connect our feelings to descriptive words and reasons behind them.

 

When we are stuck in the feeling part of our brain, we may struggle to express our emotions or understand why we are feeling a certain way. This is because the more primitive section of our brain, which develops early on, lacks the ability to use words to describe our emotions. This is why it is important to use feeling words with children to improve their vocabulary and emotional intelligence.

 

However, we also acknowledge that many adults may not have received this kind of emotional education in their childhood. As a result, they may struggle to regulate their own emotions and find it challenging to model healthy emotional expression for their children. We suggest that it is never too late to learn and improve in this area, and encourage adults to go back to the drawing board and develop their emotional vocabulary.

 

Control emotions, choose thoughtful response.

We discuss the importance of controlling our emotions and choosing thoughtful responses in various situations. We emphasize the need to claim our emotions and acknowledge that it is okay to feel upset when someone’s behavior upsets us. However, we also highlight the importance of not reacting impulsively but instead responding in a more controlled and thoughtful manner.

 

While it is crucial to react quickly in certain situations, such as avoiding a car accident, it is more beneficial to respond in situations involving loved ones and friends. Responding implies being in control of our emotions and thoughts, considering the best outcome for the situation, and acting accordingly.

 

Responding instead of reacting requires being in control of our emotions and feelings, as well as thinking through the situation. This distinction is significant because it allows us to approach the situation with a level-headed mindset and consider the consequences of our actions. By doing so, we can make more informed decisions and choose responses that are beneficial for all parties involved.

 

Boundaries are Essential for Self-Care

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Boundaries are essential for self-care

Boundaries are essential for self-care. This is a statement that holds true in all aspects of our lives, whether it be in our personal relationships, work environments, or even within ourselves. Boundaries are the limits and guidelines we set for ourselves and others to ensure that our needs, values, and well-being are respected and protected.
Megan Bayless-Bartley, introduces the topic of boundaries by addressing the feeling of being stuck or unfulfilled in life. She acknowledges that it is normal to reassess what is working and what is not at midlife. This is an important realization because it highlights the need for boundaries as a means to reclaim our time, energy, and joy.
Elizabeth McCormick, a boundaries expert, emphasizes the importance of boundaries by stating that it is what she does all day. She further explains that boundaries require both offense and defense, just like in the game Sequence. This analogy highlights the proactive and protective nature of boundaries. They are not just about setting limits, but also about preventing others from crossing them.
Megan and Elizabeth also touch on the challenges of maintaining boundaries, especially during the holiday season. This is a time when we may be required to spend time and energy around people or in situations that may test our boundaries. It is crucial to have clear boundaries in place to protect our mental and emotional well-being.
The comparison between boundaries and the game of Jenga further reinforces the idea that boundaries require delicacy and balance. Just like removing blocks in Jenga, setting and maintaining boundaries requires careful consideration and thoughtfulness. It is about finding the right balance between asserting ourselves and respecting the needs and boundaries of others.
Boundaries are not selfish or restrictive; they are a form of self-care. They allow us to prioritize our own well-being and ensure that we are not constantly sacrificing ourselves for the sake of others. By setting boundaries, we create a space for self-care, self-respect, and personal growth. We give ourselves permission to say no when necessary, to protect our time and energy, and to establish healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Setting boundaries is self-protection

Setting boundaries is self-protection. This holds true in various aspects of our lives, whether it be in our personal relationships, professional environments, or even within ourselves. Boundaries act as a safeguard, ensuring that we prioritize our own well-being and establish healthy boundaries with others.
Boundaries are described as limits or lines that mark the extent of an area or subject. However, boundaries extend beyond physical spaces and also encompass emotional boundaries. These emotional boundaries are crucial in understanding where we end and others begin in terms of our thoughts, feelings, and energy.
Megan uses the analogy of a yard to explain the concept of boundaries. Just as we have clear boundaries that define our physical space, we also need emotional boundaries to protect ourselves. These emotional boundaries allow us to have a sense of self-awareness and identify our own feelings. Without this self-awareness, we may find ourselves constantly influenced by the energy and emotions of others, leading to a lack of personal boundaries.
Setting boundaries is a form of self-protection. Boundaries serve as a means to establish what is acceptable and what is not for ourselves. By clearly defining our limits, we can create a space where we feel safe, respected, and valued. This self-protection extends to our emotional well-being, ensuring that we do not allow others to manipulate or exploit our emotions.
Setting boundaries is not only about protecting ourselves but also about fostering healthy relationships. When we have clear boundaries, we can communicate our needs, desires, and limits to others. This open communication allows for mutual understanding and respect, strengthening the foundation of any relationship. Boundaries also prevent us from overextending ourselves or sacrificing our own well-being for the sake of others.
In a society where we are often taught to prioritize the feelings and needs of others, setting boundaries can be seen as selfish or confrontational. However, Megan challenges this notion by highlighting that it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves. By prioritizing our own well-being and setting boundaries, we create space for growth, self-discovery, and personal fulfillment.

Self-awareness is key for communication

Self-awareness is key for communication. The ability to recognize and understand our own feelings and desires is essential for effective communication and building healthy relationships. In a world filled with constant sensory input and distractions, it is easy to lose touch with our own needs and emotions. However, by taking the time to check in with ourselves and ask what we need in each moment, we can better understand our own desires and communicate them effectively to others.
The concept of self-awareness is further explored through the idea of emotional boundaries. Megan and Elizabeth discuss how emotional boundaries involve assessing what we need in a given situation and how we will show up. This requires us to regulate ourselves based on our own needs and emotions, rather than being solely influenced by how others are showing up. By being aware of our own emotions and needs, we can navigate social situations more effectively and respond in a way that aligns with our own well-being.
They also touch on the importance of feeling identification and being able to articulate how we feel in different spaces. This level of self-awareness allows us to better understand ourselves and communicate our needs to others. It also enables us to have more productive and meaningful conversations, as we can express ourselves authentically and seek understanding from others.

Hold space for others’ feelings.

“Holding space for others’ feelings” is a concept that emphasizes the importance of creating a safe and non-judgmental environment for individuals to express their emotions and thoughts. It involves actively listening to others without interrupting or imposing our own opinions and judgments on them. This practice requires self-awareness, empathy, and the ability to regulate our own emotions.
They discuss the idea of observing and slowing down in order to hold space for others’ feelings. They emphasize the importance of mindfulness, which involves noticing and acknowledging our own emotions and reactions without attaching judgment to them. By practicing mindfulness, we can create a space where others feel heard and validated, allowing them to freely express themselves without fear of judgment or criticism.
One aspect of holding space for others’ feelings is co-regulation. This involves being a non-anxious presence and providing support to others in times of distress. Instead of trying to control or fix their emotions, we can simply be there for them, offering empathy and understanding. This approach is particularly effective with children, as it allows them to feel safe and supported, helping them to regulate their emotions more effectively.
Megan and Elizabeth also discuss the importance of curiosity in holding space for others’ feelings. By being curious, we can seek clarification and understanding, rather than jumping to conclusions or making assumptions. Curiosity allows us to approach conversations with an open mind, fostering deeper connections and reducing misunderstandings. It also encourages us to ask questions and actively listen, demonstrating our genuine interest in others’ experiences and perspectives.

 

Listen to Season 3, Episode 2 (Part 1) HERE!

More about Elizabeth McCormack HERE!

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What Therapists Say About Their Own Therapy

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Therapists benefit from therapy.

Therapy is often seen as a tool to help individuals navigate through challenging times in their lives, but it is not just for clients. Therapists themselves can greatly benefit from therapy as well. Megan Bayles Bartley and Bridgette Allen discuss their personal experiences with therapy and how it has positively impacted their lives.

Therapist Bridgette Allen shares her own journey with therapy, starting in adulthood. She explains that something unexpected happened in her life, leaving her feeling lost and confused. Her husband was proactive in seeking help for her, and she was able to connect with a therapist friend who helped her find the right therapist for her needs.

Bridgette’s first therapy session was with a therapist who was not specialized in her particular issue. Initially, she felt disappointed, thinking that she had scared away the therapist. However, the therapist recommended another therapist who had experience in the area Bridgette needed help with. Bridgette took a leap of faith and met with this therapist, who made her feel welcome and comfortable.

Through therapy, Bridgette was able to see things in her life differently than she had before. It was like discovering that the sky was not just blue, but different shades of blue. This shift in perspective gave her strength and a newfound sense of worth. Bridgette emphasizes that therapy helped her see the beauty of life and the joy of always learning and growing.

Bridgette’s positive experience with therapy led her to consider pursuing a career in the field. Initially, she wondered if her own therapy experience would make her unfit for the role of a therapist. However, she soon realized that her personal experience with therapy was actually an advantage. It allowed her to empathize with her clients and understand the transformative power of therapy.

Just like anyone else, therapists can face challenges and struggles in their lives that can benefit from professional help. By going through therapy themselves, therapists gain valuable insights and tools that can enhance their ability to help their clients.

Therapists benefit from therapy in several ways. First, it allows them to gain a deeper understanding of the therapeutic process from the client’s perspective. This firsthand experience helps therapists develop empathy and compassion, which are crucial qualities in their profession. Second, therapy helps therapists identify and address any personal issues or biases that may impact their work with clients. By working through their own challenges, therapists can become more self-aware and better equipped to assist others.

Learning from clients is essential.

Learning from clients is essential for therapists. It is through their interactions with clients that therapists gain valuable insights, develop empathy, address personal issues, and practice self-care. Therapy is not only a tool for helping clients, but also a means for therapists to grow both personally and professionally.

One of the main benefits of learning from clients is gaining personal insights. Through their work with clients, therapists are exposed to a wide range of experiences, perspectives, and emotions. This exposure allows therapists to gain a deeper understanding of human behavior and the complexities of the human mind. By witnessing the struggles and triumphs of their clients, therapists can reflect on their own lives and gain insights into their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This self-reflection can lead to personal growth and a greater understanding of oneself.

Embrace growth through challenging relationships.

Embracing growth through challenging relationships is a key aspect of personal development and self-improvement. This concept is explored when Megan and Bridgette te te discuss their experiences working with clients, particularly those who possess Type A personalities. The speakers initially express apprehension and intimidation when working with such clients, but eventually come to appreciate the growth and learning opportunities that arise from these challenging relationships.

They acknowledge that working with Type A clients allows them to expand their own understanding of themselves and their capabilities. They learn to navigate the intense energy and high expectations of these clients, ultimately finding that they can thrive in such environments. This growth is attributed to the safe space created by the therapist, where clients feel comfortable and open to receiving guidance and support.

They also highlight the vulnerability that comes with seeking help and acknowledging that one cannot do everything themselves. They emphasize the importance of seeking outside perspectives and new ways of thinking to overcome roadblocks and initiate personal growth. By engaging with therapists, clients are able to hear their own thoughts and experiences reflected back to them, often in a new and enlightening way. This external perspective can provide the necessary insight and motivation for clients to make positive changes in their lives.

The discussion also touches on the benefits of therapy for couples. The therapists acknowledge that couples often come to therapy with the expectation that their partner needs to change. However, they encourage couples to shift their focus to their own behaviors and perspectives, recognizing that even small changes in themselves can have a significant impact on the relationship. By taking responsibility for their own growth and development, couples can create a positive ripple effect that influences their partner’s behavior and the overall dynamics of the relationship.

 

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Learn more about Bridgette HERE!

Bridgette Allen, Bridgette, therapist, lexington, louisville

Meet Relationship Expert, Bridgette Allen, LMFT!

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The Impact of Therapy on Parenting

Bridget Allen, LMFT, is a therapist who brings positivity and extroversion to her work. She has a unique perspective on reassessing midlife and finding fulfillment. Megan asks Bridget about her favorite song that represents the day, and she mentions “Walking on Sunshine,” a song that often pops up for her. This choice reflects her positive outlook and serves as a reminder to find joy even on challenging days.

Bridget shares her background, growing up in Salmon, Idaho, and later moving to Pocatello. She mentions struggling in school due to difficulty maintaining attention, but also expresses her love for people and dancing. She recalls feeling limited by the idea of only meeting a small part of the population, which contrasts with her current profession as a therapist, where she gets to know and help numerous individuals.

Megan inquires about Bridget’s journey to becoming a therapist, and she reveals that she initially worked in retail management. It wasn’t until her son started experiencing difficulties in school that she sought therapy for him and realized that she identified with many of the issues he was facing. This experience opened her eyes to the field of therapy and ultimately led her to pursue it as a career. Bridget’s personal journey serves as an example of how unexpected events can lead to new paths and opportunities for growth and fulfillment.

Reassessing midlife for fulfillment is a normal and necessary process. Megan emphasizes the importance of taking the time to reflect, make changes, and seek joy and fulfillment in the second half of life. Bridget’s personal journey illustrates how unexpected experiences can lead to new opportunities and a sense of purpose.

Insightful therapy experiences shape careers.

Insightful therapy experiences can have a profound impact on individuals and shape their careers. 

Bridget mentions working with a therapist who provided valuable insight, not only for her child but also for her as a parent. This experience highlights the transformative power of therapy in gaining a deeper understanding of oneself and others. It also emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and seeking guidance when navigating complex familial dynamics.

For Megan, her decision to pursue a master’s degree and become a therapist was influenced by their own struggles with focus and attention. Through therapy and medication, she discovered a love for reading and studying, which ultimately led her to pursue a career in therapy. 

The women also touch on the importance of therapists seeking therapy themselves. While their programs did not require therapy as a part of their training, they acknowledge the value of having someone solely focused on them for 50 minutes. This experience provides a different level of insight and self-reflection, enabling therapists to better understand themselves and their clients.

When discussing the type of clients they enjoy working with, Megan and Bridget highlight the importance of helping individuals who have achieved success in various areas of their lives but struggle with specific aspects, such as relationships. These clients energize them because they are willing to examine their own parts and work towards growth. 

Patterns in relationships, childhood dynamics.

One of the main things discussed is patterns in relationships and how they are influenced by childhood dynamics. They acknowledge that people often choose partners who are different from them, but also highlight the tendency to unconsciously seek out individuals who resemble certain aspects of their parents or caregivers.

Individuals may be drawn to partners who possess qualities that they either admire or wish to change in their own parents. This can lead to a repetition of certain dynamics or behaviors from childhood, as individuals unconsciously recreate familiar patterns in their adult relationships. For example, someone who grew up with a parent who was emotionally unavailable may find themselves attracted to partners who display similar traits.

They also emphasize the role of self-awareness in breaking these patterns. By recognizing the similarities between their current partner and their parents, individuals can gain insight into their own behaviors and reactions within the relationship. This self-awareness allows them to challenge and change these patterns, ultimately leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Childhood dynamics are seen as a significant factor in shaping relationship patterns. They acknowledge that the family dynamic in which individuals grow up is the only one they have to reference, which can limit their ability to envision and seek out healthier dynamics in their adult relationships. However, therapy can help individuals expand their understanding of what is possible in relationships and provide them with tools to create the relationships they desire.

Therapy is portrayed as a valuable resource for exploring and understanding these patterns. Bridget mentions that therapy can provide a safe space for individuals to reflect on their childhood experiences and how they may be influencing their current relationships. By gaining insight into these dynamics, individuals can work towards breaking negative patterns and developing healthier ways of relating to others.

Listen to this Episode of the S.O.S. Podcast HERE!

Find out more about Bridgette Allen, LMFT HERE!

Couples Therapy & Sexual Intimacy

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Therapy experiences and their importance.

Therapy is a process that involves seeking professional help to address and resolve personal issues, emotional struggles, and mental health challenges. It provides individuals with a safe and supportive space to explore their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and work towards personal growth and healing. 

Many individuals reach a point in their lives where they question whether they have achieved all they set out to do and if they feel fulfilled. This feeling of stagnation or dissatisfaction is common during midlife, prompting individuals to reassess what is working for them and what is not. Therapy is a means to reclaim one’s time, energy, and joy, and make the most out of the second half of life.

Rob Giltner, shares his own experience with therapy. Rob reveals that his first encounter with therapy was forced upon him by his parents when he was around 10 to 12 years old. While the details are hazy, he acknowledges that his early therapy experiences were not positive. This negative experience has led him to develop a pet peeve when clients share their own negative experiences with therapy. He emphasizes the importance of finding the right fit with a therapist and encourages clients to seek a new therapist if they are not comfortable or satisfied with their current one.

The conversation then delves into the role of parents in determining whether a child needs therapy. Both Megan and Rob agree that parents might not force their children into therapy unless there are clear signs of negative behavior or emotional struggles. They emphasize the importance of open communication and support within the family, as parents can often play a significant role in addressing their child’s issues without the need for professional intervention.

Rob also highlights the privilege of being surrounded by therapists in his professional life. He mentions the benefit of having supervisors who are therapists, as they provide guidance and support that can be personally transformative. Additionally, he acknowledges the therapeutic nature of the relationships within their own therapy center, where compassion, honesty, and authenticity are valued. The creation of a positive and supportive environment among therapists contributes to their overall well-being and enhances the quality of care they provide to their clients.

Communication and compromise in relationships.

We know the importance of finding a therapist who is helpful and supportive. Rob shares that he eventually found a therapist who was beneficial to him, but he only sees them sparingly. He also mentions the positive influence of being around the mindfulness center, which rubs off on him and provides additional support.

There is great importance in having a support system during challenging seasons of life. Seeking premarital therapy before getting married, can help couples navigate potential issues and strengthen their relationship. Megan discusses libido in relationships. They share a story they heard about a priest telling a wife that she should have sex whenever her husband wants, due to his higher libido. This story horrifies them, and they express their disagreement with such a perspective. They then delve into a discussion about how to navigate differences in libido within a relationship.

They highlight the importance of open communication and being able to talk about difficult topics such as libido. They acknowledge that discussing sex can sometimes be taboo in relationships, but it is crucial to address these issues. They mention the need for both partners to be able to share their needs and wants, while also being open to accepting their partner’s influence. They emphasize the importance of teamwork and compromise in finding solutions that work for both individuals in the relationship.

Sexual intimacy changes over time.

Sexual intimacy is a crucial aspect of any romantic relationship, but it is not static and unchanging. Sexual intimacy changes over time. Megan and Rob discuss the normalcy of couples having different libidos, as they are two separate individuals with different experiences and needs. It is natural for sexual intimacy to evolve and shift as the relationship progresses and as individuals go through different stages of life.

They mention that early on in a relationship, couples tend to be more sexually intimate. This can be attributed to the excitement and curiosity that comes with a new partnership. There is a dopamine rush and a sense of investment in getting to know each other. Megan and Rob emphasize the importance of curiosity in a relationship, as it fosters exploration and the creation of shared meaning. Trying new things and stepping out of one’s comfort zone together can strengthen the bond between partners.

However, as time goes on and life’s stressors and responsibilities increase, sexual intimacy may change. They mention factors such as having children or work demands that can shift the focus away from sexual intimacy. Stress can affect performance, and the need for safety and emotional vulnerability can also impact a couple’s ability to be sexually intimate. They describe sexual intimacy as fragile, vulnerable, and delicate, requiring caution and care.

It is important to note that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to a healthy sex life in a relationship. What works for one couple may not work for another. They caution against comparing oneself to societal expectations or rigid standards set by popular culture. They stress the need for couples to define their own normalcy and determine what constitutes a healthy sex life for their specific relationship. This requires open and honest communication between partners.

Discussing sex can be challenging and uncomfortable for many couples. However, they highlight the value of being open and honest with each other, especially for therapists who understand the importance of addressing sexual intimacy in relationships. They emphasize that the brain is the largest sex organ, and how individuals think and feel about sex can greatly impact their sexual experiences. Hormonal changes, such as menopause or aging, can also affect sexual intimacy.

Couples therapy for healing and growth.

Couples therapy is a valuable tool for healing and growth within relationships. The work that is involved in couples therapy and the benefits that can be gained from it are huge. There are many accomplishments that can be achieved through couples therapy,  it is not a one-size-fits-all approach and may not be suitable for every couple.

Some couples may only need therapy for maintenance purposes, where they can discuss their concerns and leave with clarity. However, the focus of this particular therapy is on couples who have experienced significant loss, struggle with communication, or feel disconnected from each other. This therapy aims to help couples reconnect, repair their relationship, and heal from past wounds.

Couples therapy is collaborative in nature. The therapist works closely with the couple to develop a plan that aligns with their specific needs and goals. This collaborative approach ensures that the therapy is tailored to the couple’s unique circumstances and challenges.

Just as one exercises their body at the gym, couples are encouraged to practice their communication skills and relationship-building exercises outside of therapy. This practice helps to reinforce the skills learned in therapy and allows couples to make progress in their relationship.

Accountability is another important aspect of couples therapy. Some couples may need external accountability to stay on track with their goals and commitments. The therapist provides this accountability and helps the couple set measurable goals to track their progress. If the goals are not being met, the therapist helps the couple explore the reasons behind it and find alternative approaches.

While the work involved in couples therapy may sound stern and rigid, the therapist assures that it is also soft, comforting, and healing. The therapy incorporates art, music, metaphor, and other creative approaches to make the process more engaging and effective. The therapist places a strong emphasis on creating a comfortable and safe environment for all participants, ensuring that everyone feels heard, seen, respected, and loved.

Listen to this Episode HERE!

Learn more about Rob HERE!

Rob Giltner, Men's Group, Men's Health, Purpose

Meet Couples Therapy Expert Rob Giltner, LMFT!

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In Shifting Our Shit (SOS) Podcast Season 2, Episode 8, Rob Giltner’s passion for couples is evident as he discusses his work as a therapist. Rob’s interest in couples therapy stems from his personal experiences and natural inclination towards being a “feeler.” His ability to understand and navigate powerful emotions makes him well-suited for helping couples navigate their own emotional landscapes. This empathy and understanding are crucial in creating a safe and supportive environment for couples to explore their relationship dynamics.

 

Rob’s journey to becoming a therapist started with his recognition of the mindful perspective and the importance of relationships. As he grew older, he developed a deeper understanding of emotions and their impact on individuals and their relationships. This understanding likely fueled his desire to pursue a career in therapy and help couples build healthier, more fulfilling connections.

 

Being a male therapist in a field often dominated by women is noteworthy, as it brings a unique perspective and representation to couples seeking therapy. Rob’s ability to connect with both male and female clients is a valuable asset, as it allows him to address the needs and concerns of both partners in a relationship. His presence in the field challenges stereotypes and promotes inclusivity, making therapy more accessible and relatable for all couples.

 

Rob’s passion for couples is further highlighted by his commitment to prioritizing social health and fostering connections among individuals. He recognizes the challenges of maintaining social relationships as one grows older and believes in the importance of creating opportunities for people to come together. This dedication to building community and supporting social well-being extends beyond his therapy practice and demonstrates his genuine care for the well-being of couples and individuals alike.

 

Passion for working with couples.

From the beginning of the episode, Rob mentions his ability to connect with emotions and suggests that he has a natural affinity for understanding and empathizing with others. This sensitivity likely plays a significant role in his ability to connect with couples and help them navigate their relationship challenges.

 

Rob emphasizes the importance of relationships in his own life, including family, friends, and romantic partnerships. He recognizes the value of these connections and the impact they have on personal growth and well-being. This recognition likely fuels his passion for working with couples, as he understands the transformative power that healthy and fulfilling relationships can have on individuals and their overall happiness.

 

Rob’s interest in relationships deepened during college when he took a class on the subject. This experience sparked a desire to learn more and led him to seek out additional resources, such as reading and watching videos. This eagerness to expand his knowledge and understanding of relationships demonstrates his dedication to his craft and his commitment to providing the best possible support to couples.

 

Rob’s parents played a significant role in supporting his passion for working with couples. They connected him with couples therapists they knew, highlighting their belief in his abilities and potential in this field. This support likely reinforced his passion and provided him with valuable insights and experiences that shaped his approach to therapy.

 

Rob’s decision to pursue graduate school immediately after completing his undergraduate degree further exemplifies his dedication to his chosen path. He did not hesitate to continue his education and further develop his skills and knowledge in couples therapy. This commitment to continuous learning and growth is essential in a field that requires therapists to stay up-to-date with the latest research and therapeutic techniques.

 

When asked about his specific interest in working with couples, Rob admits that it was not something he initially considered during college. However, upon entering seminary, he quickly realized that couples therapy was his true calling. While he acknowledges that his skills and expertise have expanded to include individual work, his passion for couples remains unwavering. He describes couples therapy as his “jam” and something he thinks about in his spare time. This level of enthusiasm and dedication is a testament to his genuine passion for helping couples build healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

 

Rob’s ability to connect with couples and ease their concerns is evident in his approach to therapy. He compares therapy to getting an oil change in a car, emphasizing the importance of regular maintenance and addressing wear and tear in relationships. By using this analogy, he normalizes the idea of seeking therapy and encourages couples to see it as a proactive step towards maintaining a healthy and thriving relationship. This approach helps to alleviate any fears or stigmas associated with therapy and fosters a sense of hope and possibility for couples seeking support.

 

Relationships are complex and rewarding.

Relationships are complex and rewarding. Rob discusses the intricacies of relationships and the challenges that individuals face when navigating them. He highlights the importance of recognizing the individuality of each person within a relationship and how this can contribute to the complexity of the dynamic.

 

Rob emphasizes that relationships involve multiple variables and that these variables can greatly impact the overall health and success of the relationship. He acknowledges that relationship stress can have a significant impact on other areas of our lives and emphasizes the importance of protecting and repairing these connections.

 

One aspect of relationships that Rob finds particularly intriguing is the puzzle-like nature of working with couples. He describes the process of therapy as a collaborative effort, where he acts as a guide rather than pushing individuals in a specific direction. He enjoys the challenge of helping couples navigate through the maze of their relationship, finding solutions and resolutions together. This process can be both present and empathetic, as well as intellectually stimulating, as he works with couples to solve the puzzle of their relationship.

 

While therapy can often involve heavy and difficult topics, Rob finds great joy in witnessing couples overcome challenges and find their way out of the maze. He describes this process as euphoric, relieving, and hopeful. It is a moment of triumph and growth for the individuals involved and a testament to the resilience of their relationship.

 

Rob also introduces a spirituality component to his work, acknowledging that there is often a sense of sacredness and intimacy in the vulnerability that couples bring to therapy. He values the perspective of spirituality and recognizes that it can play a significant role in the healing and growth of relationships. He encourages couples to explore this aspect if it resonates with them, but also acknowledges that spirituality can take many forms and can be unique to each individual.

 

Listen to this Episode HERE!

Learn more about Rob HERE!

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