Tools for Your Parenting Toolbox: ATTUNEMENT

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Parenting is hard. Period. But it is especially difficult and disheartening when your child is struggling and you don’t know how to best help them. Kids are experiencing unprecedented amounts of mental health issues due to the coronavirus pandemic, but we as parents can support them by using some simple therapeutic strategies at home. This will be the first in a series teaching you various healthy coping skills to implement with your children.

Hi! I’m Kim Hamilton. I’m a new therapist at Louisville Mindfulness Center. I specialize in working with kids, teens, and parents to create family harmony. I love to support parents by offering them tools for their parenting toolbox to handle the stress and uncertainty that comes along with parenting.

ATTUNEMENT

Let’s start with attuning. Our lives are busy chauffeuring kids to activities, helping with homework, making dinner, and still trying to fit in our own needs. It is easy to get caught up in the stress of it all and not pay attention to what is actually going on in our kids’ minds and lives. By noticing when they need a deeper level of attention, we strengthen our relationships with them and help them to better understand themselves and their feelings. So how exactly do we do attune?

Pay Attention

The first tool for your toolbox is to simply pay attention! Has their mood changed or has there been a shift to their normal routine? Take notice and dig deeper. They are most likely going to say they are fine and nothing is wrong, but don’t let the conversation stop there. Share with them what you are noticing and even offer a guess at what might be wrong in order to get the conversation started.

Reflect

Reflective listening is another tool that is great to use, not only with your kids but in all your relationships. Begin by listening closely to what they have to say. Then, repeat back to them what you heard them say in a paraphrased way. Lastly, ask your child if your understanding is correct and if you missed anything. For example, if they are arguing with a friend, ask them to explain to you what is going on. You can repeat back to them what you heard by saying, “What I heard you say is…Is that correct? Did I miss anything?” This will allow your child to process their emotions, consider how their actions contributed to the situation, and decide how to move forward.

Validate

Lastly, and possibly, most importantly, is validation. Your child may tell you something that you don’t like and is upsetting, and it is important for you as the parent not to react immediately. Just listen. Then validate their perspective instead of dismissing their feelings or trying to change their mind. As parents, we want to fix everything for our children. When we do this, when we fix things or give them the answer, they don’t experience the struggle that comes with the learning process. It’s ok for our kids to struggle a bit. Growth doesn’t happen without some discomfort. Validating doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but by acknowledging their pain, the struggle becomes easier for them and leads to behavior change.

I invite you to experiment with these steps to attune with your children. I’d love to know how it goes! Feel free to email me and let me know: [email protected].

If you liked what you read and feel I could be of assistance to you and your family, feel free to schedule a free 10-minute consult with me at your convenience online HERE!

 

Kim Hamilton, MAMFT specializes in working with kids, teens, and parents to bring emotional regulation and harmony to families and households. She works from a non-judgemental, solution-focused, non-pathologizing perspective that creates win-win scenarios within relationships. Megan Bayles Bartley is excited for Kim to join the team and knows she will be a wonderful resource for your family.

Find out more on Kim’s bio page on the Louisville Mindfulness Center website!

 

 

*This blog was inspired by the Washington Post article: “Five skills parents can learn so they can help their children cope”

Shifting Our Shit, Shifting Shit, Shit, Shifting, Podcast, Megan, Bartley, Rob, Giltner

Introducing Our NEW Podcast!!!

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Shifting Our Shit, Shifting Shit, Shit, Shifting, Podcast, Megan, Bartley, Rob, Giltner

 

After years of making guest appearances on podcasts and lots of encouragement from friends and clients to do my own, I have teamed up with one of Louisville Mindfulness Center’s very own therapist extraordinaire (and experienced podcaster), Rob Giltner. We talk candidly about our work with mindfulness and mental and emotional well-being. We also share plenty of our own personal stories so we can shift our shit right along with you!

Why stay Stuck With Sh!t when we can Shift Our Sh!t?!

UPDATE: We are now on SPOTIFY! (CLICK HERE TO LISTEN)  and APPLE Podcasts (CLICK HERE TO LISTEN). You will soon be able to find it wherever you normally get your podcasts AND we plan to release the video of our recordings as well! Sign up below to stay updated on new releases!

And thank you. Thank you all for all your encouragement. We couldn’t make this happen without you! <3 – Megan

A Gift For You!

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A Gift For You! 

We had a wonderful time during our Open House as Louisville Mindfulness Center celebrated its 5th anniversary!  We enjoyed catching up with friends and family from near and far with a few fun blasts from the past to boot! 

Again, we want to thank all of our supporters, whether you were able to make the event or not!! We are definitely feeling the love!

AND…. we want to spread that love even more! We are extending our half-price offer on our online courses through the month of July in honor of our anniversary! 

The two key online courses we currently have are “The Art of Saying No” and “Dealing With Difficult People”.

Whether you’re new to setting mindful boundaries, needing a quick yet comprehensive refresher on your boundary-setting skills, or you’re wanting to take your self-care practice to the next level, these wonderful, bite-sized videos are written and presented by Megan Bayles Bartley herself! For those of you who have spent time with Megan, you know she’s bursting with inspiration and empowerment to help you live your best life! You don’t want to miss out!

Plus, these courses are cheaper than ONE therapy session! Who can say “No” to that?! 

Check them out here: https://mindfulness-center.com/awaken-autopilot/

Setting Boundaries = Regain Your Time and Energy

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Many of us put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be our best, most helpful, kind, and caring selves. People like us. They want to spend time with us. What a wonderful feeling! Yet sometimes we may just want and NEED time to ourselves.

When we let our boundaries slide or we feel guilty for saying no, we start to feel burnt out, exhausted, or even apathetic. Question: Are you ready to feel less stressed and anxious? Have you tried things in the past that have worked but need a refresher? Or does it feel like you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work?

Our new self-paced, online courses are a wonderful way to learn and set boundaries that WORK! After twenty-plus years of refining our techniques, we are making our methods more accessible to more people so anybody can live their most optimal life.

Let’s face it, none of us need more to DO. So what if we could THINK a bit differently and that could make all the difference? Our courses help you see new perspectives and shift your thinking just enough that you are able to begin to rewire your brain. Sign. Me. Up!

Here are some questions to ask yourself if it’s time to refresh your skills and abilities on setting excellent boundaries and “The Art of Saying No”:

  • Are you needing to refocus your time and attention less on others and more on yourself?
  • Do you get pulled into helping others when you wish you could say “No”?
  • Do you feel guilty when others need help and you can’t or don’t want to help?
  • Are others encouraging you to set boundaries and reduce the amount you offer your time to others?
  • Are you ready to reclaim your time, your energy, and perhaps even your identity?
  • Are you ready to FEEL MORE ALIVE and excited about life?

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, we have a tried and true solution for you.

Ultimately, we want you to feel lighter, freer, and more empowered.  Let us show you how!

CLICK HERE to find out more about our affordable self-paced online course options. 

 

Megan Bartley Licensed Therapist Mindfulness Practitioner

Kindness – Pay it Forward

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This reminder hangs in the kitchenette at my office. 🤩
It was given to me by a dear friend and it reminds me to:
1) be kind, and ✌️
2) pay it forward. 🌿
I had the opportunity this past week to make a difference in someone’s life in an unexpected way without them knowing who did it. I didn’t know this person, I just sensed they could use some kindness. ❤
Then today, I needed some assistance and someone I didn’t know showed me an unexpected kindness that was very helpful. 😍

6 Simple, easy ways to pay kindness forward…🌞

1) Smile.
2) Smile and make eye contact with people. Just because, no reason.
3) Make a point to pause and hold the door a little longer for someone who really needs it.
4) Give someone a compliment…perhaps the checker at the grocery, or the clerk at the convenience store. Tell them you see them.
5) Pay the bill for the person behind you in the drive thru.
6) …. How do you like to pay kindness forward?! 🤔
the art of living

The Art of Living

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Written by Megan Bayles Bartley, MAMFT, LMFT

“All the art of living lies in the fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” -Havelock Ellis

All relationships have a tension or delicate balance between aspects that we like and dislike or things that work well and are a challenge.

So too, do we tend to have multiple feelings or emotions of an event, say, the loss of a loved one. We are sad they are gone, yet relieved they are no longer suffering.

This plays into my “yes, and” philosophy of living life, that I gleamed from my days of improv comedy.

Yes, I love you, And sometimes I find you difficult to be around. 

When we limit ourselves to dichotomous thinking, we miss the Rainbow of Options. Getting stuck in black/white, right/wrong, good/bad thinking sets us and others up for failure rather than success.

If we choose “right” then others are “wrong.” When our “right” doesn’t work out, we feel like we have failed.

If instead we look at the whole rainbow of options we could choose, we are limitless.

95% of the options may be things you would never actually do, but at least they are there for you if you need them.

This Rainbow of Options gives you more flexibility rather than keeping you rigid and binary. Much of mental illness can be due to rigidity while mental well-being can lie in the ability for have flexibility of thinking.

Think: Growth Mindset vs. Fixed Mindset!

worthy, let go, letting go, release

We Are Worthy Of Surrender

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Written by Megan Bayles Bartley, MAMFT, LMFT

“Let every Exhale
Remind you
You are worthy
Of Surrender.”
–Morgan Harper Nichols

What a wonderfully deep and great reminder for letting go! On our Exhale we are letting go of our breath, surrendering and trusting that there will be an inhale to fill up our lungs with the next breath.

The word worthy caught my attention. Perhaps it caught yours too. The idea that we are worthy of surrender speaks to me as “you deserve to let shit go” and even have permission to let shit go.

I’ve been re-reading “Awakening the Buddah Within” by Lama Surya Das and have been reminded of the idea that we suffer (get anxious, angry, annoyed) due to our attachments, especially to ideals and expectations.

Dealing with Difficult People

I have noticed in my own life, when I allow people to be exactly who they are, letting go of who I think they “should” be, I’m not so irritated or frustrated by them. This allows me to be more at peace and less irritated or frustrated with that person because I’m not wasting my energy thinking the person might change or that I could even get them to change.

For years, a practice of mine is to embrace that I only have control over myself. I have no control over anyone else. What I can choose is how I want to show up with others when I experience them as difficult. I choose not to allow myself to react to their current difficult nature even while my heart is racing and I want to scream. I choose not to hand over my power to that person or allow their behavior to control me.

Instead, I imagine as if they just threw me a rope in an effort to play tug-of-war with me. I get to decide if I pick up that rope and play their game or not. My goal is to notice the rope and think, “well, there’s that,” then redirect my attention and the conversation in a different direction.

This has not been easy for me. I have been at this particular practice for 12+ years and still struggle at times. Perhaps you may give it a go?

instincts

Trusting Your Instincts

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Written by Megan Bayles Bartley, MAMFT, LMFT

“Be willing to trust your instincts, especially if you cannot find answers elsewhere.”~Brian Koslow

This means listening to your gut and your heart. You are the expert on yourself. No one knows you or your situation better than you. So trust yourself.

Many of us have a hard time trusting ourselves. This is to be expected when we are surrounded by others placing their expectations for us on us. Our loved ones love us AND they manage(d) their anxieties of being a parent by “parenting” us in ways that sometimes didn’t feel great for us when we were young (and perhaps even today as adults!).

Were they wrong or bad for doing this? Not necessarily. They likely didn’t know better and saw others doing the same.

What we can do now is offer ourselves new options.

Pretend we’re re-parenting ourselves. We all still have the little 7 year old in us who is still needing something they haven’t gotten. Ask them what it is they are needing. I’m sure they’d be happy to tell you. And likely you already have a good idea.

Then allow your adult self to help get your 7-year-old self’s needs met. You likely do this easily and willingly for others. Now do it for yourself. You deserve it, even if you’ve felt perhaps you didn’t.

Perhaps you also allow this to have an impact on your own parenting?

Notice when you’re managing your anxiety by expecting certain things of your children rather than just allowing them to show up exactly as they are. Don’t get me wrong, there is a fine balance between guiding/teaching/parenting children and allowing them to be themselves. However, perhaps this is a reminder that we all just want to be loved and accepted for exactly who we are.

We all deserve that.

fatal flaws

Fatal Flaws: Navigating Destructive Relationships with People who have Disorders of Personality & Character

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I have noticed how frequently these days that folks are seeking help for people in their lives that they suspect are “narcissistic” or have a personality disorder.  The symptoms and behaviors that accompany these conditions can be debilitating to the families, friends, and even co-workers who interact with them on a daily basis. It’s no wonder that so many are reaching out for help in search of how to cope and heal these complex and painful intersections in their lives.

In my work with those seeking help and clarification with these experiences, I have often recommended an excellent book for those looking to shore up and expand the work they are doing in their individual/family sessions.  The book is entitled Fatal Flaws by Dr. Stuart Yudofsky.

Personal, accessible, and penetrating, Dr. Yudofsky’s work provides a comprehensive approach to navigating the complex world of personality disorders. Dr. Yudofsky weaves real-life experiences from his work in ways that will likely resonate with those who have had similar encounters in their own lives. The book also utilizes several scales to assist in determining whether or not a personality disorder exists.

Proper assessment is crucial in this area. I really encourage those who are struggling with someone they suspect may be “narcissistic” or to have a personality disorder to seek out a therapist to help them wade through the many variables that influence these conditions. Doing so can provide clarity and the establishment of strong boundaries that are crucial in restoring relationships and individual health.

forgive, love, kindness

How To Forgive

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Written by Megan Bayles Bartley, MAMFT, LMFT

“How do I forgive? How can I let go? When will this feeling go away? How do I get over this?”

These are phrases I hear daily. These are phrases I’ve asked my own therapist.

The best advice I was given is to find compassion for the person or the behavior as well as for myself. I had no idea what this looked like. I wasn’t even really open to the idea at first. It seemed that if I was compassionate, I would be excusing the person and the behavior. It took me years, if not decades, to allow that compassion to slowly become more present in my life and feel it make a home in my heart. It was DEFINITELY not an easy process.

The more compassion grew inside of me, I finally understood why it is so important. I thought of all the years I spent (perhaps wasted) in anger, fear, and anxiety that hurt me much more than it hurt anyone else.

Be open to compassion. If not for someone else, at least for yourself.

When you are compassionate with yourself, you model for others how to treat you. When you are compassionate with others, you invite them to be compassionate with you.

You deserve it. You are worth it.

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