Tag Archive for: self care

Boundaries: Being Honest With Yourself & Others

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Setting healthy boundaries is important.

Setting healthy boundaries is important for our overall well-being and happiness. It allows us to take control of our lives, prioritize our needs, and maintain healthy relationships with others. Without healthy boundaries, we may find ourselves feeling overwhelmed, resentful, and unfulfilled.

Megan and Elizabeth discuss the significance of identifying and addressing unhealthy boundaries. They acknowledge that it is normal to reassess what is working for us and what is not, especially during midlife. They emphasize the importance of reclaiming our time, energy, and joy in order to make the most out of the second half of our lives.

Unhealthy boundaries can manifest in various aspects of our lives, including our relationships with others and our own personal choices. Megan highlights the need to recognize when we are participating in or being affected by someone else’s unhealthy boundaries. This could involve feeling guilted into doing something or being pressured to engage in activities that do not align with our preferences or values.

To address unhealthy boundaries, they suggest first identifying where we are getting hooked in. This involves reflecting on our own boundaries and determining whether a boundary violation is occurring. It is essential to trust ourselves and feel comfortable saying no when something does not align with our needs or desires. They encourage listeners to appreciate the person asking but firmly assert their boundaries.

One challenge in setting healthy boundaries is the fear of how others will react. We may worry about hurting someone’s feelings or damaging a relationship. However, Megan and Elizabeth emphasize the importance of trusting ourselves and allowing others to take care of themselves. It is not our responsibility to constantly please others at the expense of our own well-being.

 

Take care of yourself first.

They emphasize the importance of taking care of oneself first. Megan highlights how divorce or separation can serve as an eye-opener for individuals, prompting them to reevaluate their lives and make necessary changes. The conversation delves into the idea that stabilizing one’s own life may not necessarily lead to a stable relationship, as it also requires open communication and speaking one’s truth.

She also explores the concept of emotional dependency and attachment in relationships. She discusses how individuals may reach a point, often referred to as the “fuck it forties,” where they no longer want to be the stabilizing force in their family. This realization signifies a need for change and a desire for a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Throughout our lives, we experience significant changes every seven years. These changes can range from career shifts to becoming parents, and even personal health transformations. It is essential to recognize these shifts and reassess our boundaries and relationships accordingly. Megan emphasizes the importance of investing in oneself and allowing others to adjust to these changes.

The conversation also touches on the idea that taking care of oneself is not selfish but rather an act of self-care. It can inspire others to take action and prioritize their own well-being. By setting an example and demonstrating self-care, individuals can inspire their loved ones to do the same.

Develop independence, prioritize self-care.

Megan begins by discussing the importance of developing independence in children. She acknowledges their desire to care for and provide for their children but also recognizes that constantly doing things for them can hinder their growth and independence. She mentions that allowing children to make their own meals and take care of themselves is a reasonable skill for a 14-year-old. By doing everything for their children, they inadvertently create a codependent relationship where the child becomes reliant on them for everything.

 

Megan and Elizabeth then shift the focus to women in their forties who have lost themselves in the process of caring for others. They explain that some women never fully develop their own identity because they transition directly from their parents’ home into a relationship where they continue to meet the needs of others. As a result, they reach a point where they don’t even know what they want or what is healthy for them. This lack of self-awareness and self-care can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment.

To address this issue, they teach teenage girls the importance of showing up in a relationship and expressing their opinions. They use the example of choosing a restaurant for a date. Initially, the girls may say they don’t mind where they go because they want to be liked. However, if they never assert their preferences, they may become resentful that their partner never asks for their input. By not choosing, they are indirectly choosing to prioritize the other person’s needs over their own.

They emphasize that showing up as oneself and having preferences is an essential part of healthy relationships. They encourage individuals to express their likes and dislikes, whether it’s about food or any other aspect of life. By doing so, they are asserting their personality and communicating who they are to others. It is important to have an opinion and not always defer to others’ choices.

Honesty is difficult but important.

Megan and Elizabeth highlight the difficulty of being honest but also emphasize its importance in relationships. They acknowledge that while it is possible to force oneself to do something, it is more meaningful to make a conscious choice to be honest. This choice requires vulnerability and the willingness to let go of the need to control how others perceive us.

Being honest is not always easy. It requires stepping out of one’s comfort zone and facing potential judgment or rejection. They recognize that society often downplays the challenges of honesty and the fear of being judged. However, they stress the significance of addressing this difficulty and acknowledging the courage it takes to be honest.

 

Listen to Part 2 of Episode 4 from Season 3 HERE!

worthy, let go, letting go, release

We Are Worthy Of Surrender

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Written by Megan Bayles Bartley, MAMFT, LMFT

“Let every Exhale
Remind you
You are worthy
Of Surrender.”
–Morgan Harper Nichols

What a wonderfully deep and great reminder for letting go! On our Exhale we are letting go of our breath, surrendering and trusting that there will be an inhale to fill up our lungs with the next breath.

The word worthy caught my attention. Perhaps it caught yours too. The idea that we are worthy of surrender speaks to me as “you deserve to let shit go” and even have permission to let shit go.

I’ve been re-reading “Awakening the Buddah Within” by Lama Surya Das and have been reminded of the idea that we suffer (get anxious, angry, annoyed) due to our attachments, especially to ideals and expectations.

Dealing with Difficult People

I have noticed in my own life, when I allow people to be exactly who they are, letting go of who I think they “should” be, I’m not so irritated or frustrated by them. This allows me to be more at peace and less irritated or frustrated with that person because I’m not wasting my energy thinking the person might change or that I could even get them to change.

For years, a practice of mine is to embrace that I only have control over myself. I have no control over anyone else. What I can choose is how I want to show up with others when I experience them as difficult. I choose not to allow myself to react to their current difficult nature even while my heart is racing and I want to scream. I choose not to hand over my power to that person or allow their behavior to control me.

Instead, I imagine as if they just threw me a rope in an effort to play tug-of-war with me. I get to decide if I pick up that rope and play their game or not. My goal is to notice the rope and think, “well, there’s that,” then redirect my attention and the conversation in a different direction.

This has not been easy for me. I have been at this particular practice for 12+ years and still struggle at times. Perhaps you may give it a go?

Self-Sabotage

Self-Sabotage: The Ways in Which we Hurt Ourselves, and What to do About it

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Written by Ashley Vaden, LMFT

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re familiar with the benefits of mindfulness and prioritizing self-care in day-to-day life. For the most part, we understand how mindfulness can bring awareness to harmful and intrusive thoughts and patterns, help us become less reactive, and is an adaptive, accessible way to deal with stress. We hear over and over again to “love ourselves” and put ourselves first, but as soon as we feel triggered or overwhelmed, our self-care practices are the first to go, if we even implement them at all.

What is getting in the way of our self-care?

What is contributing to our self-neglect, and how can we “fix” it? One obstacle to prioritizing our self-care may be self-sabotage. Now I know this phrase may sound quite dramatic, and your initial thought might be, “I’m not sabotaging myself!” But in fact, all of us can exhibit self-sabotaging behaviors to protect ourselves. That’s right; sometimes we self-sabotage to offer ourselves protection from painful feelings or realities. This becomes problematic when we aren’t aware of how we’re doing this or that we’re doing this, and we over-protect ourselves.

For example, if one has a deep fear of intimacy or commitment, one may continue to pick fights with a partner or even choose partners that are not compatible. Or I may have a project that I need to work on that typically gets put on the backburner as I prioritize running errands or hanging out with friends because I’m afraid to fail or put myself out there. An even more subtle way we can self-sabotage is by experiencing a lot of anxiety or cyclical thoughts to avoid dropping into the physical sensation of grief, which can be a very intense emotion.

What do we do about our self-sabotage?

Let’s go back to the word “fix,” because I think this is an important point: We don’t need to fix ourselves or even work on ourselves. I know this may sound like it’s conflicting with my overall message or point of this article, but let’s go deeper. There isn’t anything about you that needs “work” or “fixing.” In fact, all of the behaviors, patterns and thoughts that you’ve experienced and exhibited are ways that you’ve learned to survive throughout your lifetime to get your underlying needs met. The bottom line is, even if you’re self-sabotaging, you’re doing the best you can!

We all have needs; to feel safe, to feel seen, to have others notice us, and take delight in who we are. However, because we are imperfect humans and thus our parents or caregivers are imperfect, throughout our lives we will experience times when our needs are not met, or we are faced with something that floods our system that we just can’t integrate or make sense of at the time. These things can become “stuck” in us, or become part of our programming.

Understanding is Key

Maybe our parents got divorced when we were little, so we feel fear around close relationships. Maybe we saw a family member pursue a creative dream, and we heard our parents discuss how that person “will never make any money as a ____,” so we push down our own creative aspirations. Whatever the cause, once we bring awareness to our self-sabotage, that’s really all we need to do! Because that awareness and understanding are key. We learn what the underlying need is, and then we can determine how to meet that need in an adaptive way, instead of setting ourselves up for failure. We may also see that we don’t need protection from our worries at all!

How to Increase our Awareness of Self-Sabotaging Behaviors:

Here are 3 simple strategies to increase awareness of self-sabotaging behaviors so that we are in greater alignment with our worth and value:

Identify Core Beliefs

Let me ask you this. If I told you by next year, you would have a dream come true, such as a loving relationship, or double the amount of money in your savings account, what negative thoughts or obstacles come up for you? “Oh that would never happen, I’m too needy” or “I’m terrible with money; I’ll never have a cushion to fall back on.” Write them all down. Now, instead of spending time obsessing over what is getting in the way of you reaching this dream, use these thoughts as guides for what you want to work on and what needs you have.

For example, feeling insecure and desperate in relationships may be an indicator that I need to work on building self-trust and keeping small promises that I make to myself. Poor money habits can lead me to make a plan and keep boundaries around my spending. This awareness is key because once we understand our negative core beliefs and thoughts, we can be awakened to how we are holding ourselves back. When we see that these beliefs are optional, we can then be intentional about our worth.

Develop a Journaling Practice

Type or write from your stream of thoughts without editing, trying to write “well,” or judging your thoughts. This is how you meet yourself! You’ll notice themes that continue to re-emerge, identify triggers much more readily, and even solve your own struggles by being introduced to them more and more over time. When you feel triggered, ask yourself “Does this feeling remind me of an earlier time in my life?” By looking back, we may recall painful memories or experiences where this feeling originates and our needs were not met, or we were not authentic to ourselves. Then, direct your attention to what you need to stay in your worth in the present moment.

Remember that “self-sabotage,” while it may sound scary, is really just a way we’ve protected ourselves when something is no longer working. Sometimes, we get tired of our own stuff or tired of feeling the way that we do. It’s important to remember in those moments that we’re doing the best we can, and we aren’t “wrong” for feeling how we feel. But in order to implement self-care practices that we know will be helpful for us long term, we have to identify ways in which we are holding ourselves back, and how to meet those needs and feel security while attempting to branch out and put ourselves first.

I hope you’ve found this helpful. If you’d like to go deeper, next time I will be writing about what to do to implement changes in your life and work toward your goals/leave self-sabotage in the dust!

the subtle art of not giving a fuck

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

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Written by Megan Bayles Bartley, MAMFT, LMFT

The title of this book caught my attention recently while I was at the airport. Working with many people who have anxiety or feel stressed out I thought it could be an interesting read. I like things that make us question the status quo and may be a bit provocative. The subtitle drove home my decision to purchase it: “A counterintuitive approach to living a good life.” Even cooler!

I was curious about the author and what his credentials are so I looked on the back cover and discovered he was a well-followed blogger. Hmmm… Not your typical (potentially dry) self-help PhD? Not surprising with a title like this. My graduate studies had taught me to be leary about non-scientific based information, but I’m an out-of-the-box thinker, so I’m usually willing to let things speak for themself. As I read I realized Manson has no specific education or credential as a therapist or in the mental health field. What he does have is his own personal experiences, which he shares freely in the book (which is different than most PhD, self-help authors!). He’s likable and seemingly very open, which is a plus for me. Essentially what I found is a very direct and easy-to-understand and assimilate way to communicate mindfulness (without really talking about mindfulness!). Even cooler!

I have many clients who are not “readers” and I’m always on the lookout for books that may be interesting to the uninterested reader. This book fits the profile. I have recommended it to several people and they *loved* the title and were willing to give it a whirl upon my recommendation.

A few of the premises in the book that caught my attention:

  1. We can never really avoid being in pain and discomfort (he uses the word suffering), so choose what you want to be in discomfort about.
  2. Choose what you want to give a f*ck about rather than giving a f*ck about everything.
  3. Your emotions are there for a very good reason – to give you feedback, to get your attention. So PAY ATTENTION to them!
  4. Make sure you are aligning with your values and priorities. Are the people you surround yourself with people you strive to be like? Are the decisions you are making assisting you in being the best version of yourself?
  5. Failure is to be expected! Welcome it. Learn from it! Perfectionism can keep us from living in reality… I mean really, at what point is “perfection” achieved?! Or are you always telling yourself you’re STILL not good enough.
  6. It’s ok to say “No.” Again, choosing what you do and don’t want to participate in establishes appropriate boundaries.

I found it to be a very enjoyable, humorous, entertaining read, and am glad I read it.

Intrigued?! Give it a whirl for yourself!

 

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